Thursday, December 18, 2008
This amazing, beautiful, wonderful video was created by the supremely talented AuPretender. Ain't she something! It's really and truly all I wanted for Christmas. And I got it. I musta been better than I thought this year.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
How did you do it Bill? HowEVER did you manage to restrain yourself? Men with less self control would have been all over Denise Rattray like Marines on a whore. Yes Bill, you little rascal you, just because you're a vampire doesn't mean you ain't a fuckin' gentleman. Cause gentlemen, even vampire gentlemen, know that it ain't polite to make smelly on the belly with another man's wife.
From the time she whirled her classy snout around to say "well hel-lo" I could see the barely contained lust in your eyes. I just know you would have given at least 60 years off your life if Mack had ordered something that DID give him a good case of the runs so you could be alone with that enchanting creature for just a few precious minutes. You know, cop a feel or two under the table. Maybe snag a run in those PANTYHOSE fer chrissake. I just HATE when women wear pantyhose with those damn happy pants (cause your ass looks like it's smiling from cheek to cheek). Oh you poor man, what agony you must have suffered in denying yourself the want - no, the need - to ask her to take out her clip. We all know what a major jones you have for the hair. She's somewhat like the Creature From The Black Lagoon. I'm not saying that she was FROM the Black Lagoon, I'm saying that what's between her thighs IS the Black Lagoon. I expect it would make a monster of most any poor sap that cared to sojourn there. That's probably what happend to Mack. He might have been as nice as Hoyt until she popped a cap in his noggin with her snatch.
Mack, I heard through the grapevine that the house specialty - the potted meat - is pretty much guaranteed to give a guy a good case of the trots as everyone knows potted meat is just chock full of chopped up peckers, among other more mysterious ingredients that I can't even force myself to think about. And if you ask politely I hear Layfayette will even serve it on toast points with chopped egg. Cause after all it is the redneck caviar. Can't nobody say we southerners don't have class! And I just love your ring! WHEREVER did you get it? Tiffany's? Jacob the Jeweler? Cartier? Well, wherever it was, I do hope the designer got a bonus, cause it was something to behold. A real jawbreaker - I mean jawdropper. I do hope Bill had enough forethought to snag it and keep it for just that special someone before he threw that aluminum home sweet home on top of you. No, not the Sook. Cause we all know what a big fuckin' mouth that girl has. Wouldn't take her but one person commenting on how "unique" that ring was before she would riv it up for a long one and regale that poor sucker with all the details of where it came from and how she happened to acquire it.
And Mack (btw, did you all know this actor is the son of Michal J. Parks?) how did you like your necklace that Miss Sookie Stackhouse, waitress from Bon Temps gave you? Took your breath away, didn't it? It was indeed a Chain of Fools.
I wonder if the guy who owned the truck where Sookie found that chain ever missed it?
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
What, pray tell, IS an Alabama Thunderpussy? When I first saw this shirt on Jason in Episode 2, (after I finally stopped laughing and got some more oxygen in my lungs) I knew I just had to get to the bottom of this. So many possibilities have swirled through my feverish brain since I first saw it, but still no positive answer.
Is it someone from Jason's past? Some sort of a horndog club he was a member of? A rock band? What he would like to have from Santa more than anything? Does Jason have an affinity for something fishy this way comes from the land of Roll Tide? Or do you think maybe Jason is like Jethro Bodine - a double naught spy. Codename: Thunderpussy. Sort of a cross between Thunderball and Octapussy.
Lord knows I even asked myself if maybe thunderpussy is the sound Jason's women make during sex. Now THAT conjours up a mental image that will put hair on your chest, if you know what I mean and I think that you do. You know, that sound you make when you're ahem........how shall I put this delicately.....getting banged and suddenly there's a sound like someone stomped on a frog. Don't even bother acting like you don't know what I'm talking about. Do you think THAT'S what an Alabama Thunderpussy really is? Bueller..........Bueller.............anyone?.....................anyone?
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Stand back and watch ya'll, cause that Sookie knows she can mackdown on a arm! She looked like me chawin' down on some hickory smoked ribs. And Bill, poor guy. I actually began to feel sorry for him. Once Sookie got past all that "I don't wanna be a vampire" bullshit she really latched on and tore it up. I know Bill was probably thinking "da-yum girl, maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. Although........she does suck like she's one of those chrome tailer hitch chicks I've heard so much about. Wonder how long it'll take her to heal? Her mouth is looking better already. Hey Sook, I was thinking, if you wouldn't mind........". I was actually starting to worry that maybe she was about to loosen up a few of Bill's wristbones and one of them was gonna come loose and get hung up in her front tooth gap. When she finished doing the Big Gulp on Bill he probably had to find a stick and slip it under Sookie's top lip in order to break the suck-shun she had on his wrist. I know vamps heal fast , but I'd wager there's probably still a big ole purple welt on his wrist in the shape of Sookie's mouth.
Sookie, did you ever hear of that book called "How to Win Friends and Influence People"? If you've heard of it then I'm going on the assumption that you never bothered to read it. Cause I thought that question you nailed Bill with when he called on you and Gran Stackhouse and the two of you went out for a stroll, cause after all it was such a lovely night, was just downright rude. "So, I guess you've killed a lot of people". WTF?? That's ALL you could come up with to break the ice? See, to me, that would be akin to some feller asking me out for a moonlight stroll, then saying "so, I guess you've eaten a lot of Krispy Kremes?" Rude. Hurtful. Gratitious. Unnecessary. What you SHOULD have asked him was this. "Is your dick as big as it seems, or did you lose a sock in the dryer?" Yeah, ask him something really important, something that we all want to know. Who cares about how many people he's killed?
Can you imagine the reaction of Sam The Lurking Fido if he'd heard Sookie ask Bill that?
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Well crap. I'm gonna miss Layfayette. A lot. Whenever he was in a scene, well he was all anyone saw. I know there are theories and talk of him not being dead floating around left and right. But come on. If you put to good use what you've got between your ears, then you have to conclude that it was in fact Layfayette's big old number 12 that was hanging out the back door of Andy Bellefluer's Crown Vic. Why else would we have to witness Layfayette fling his big old hoof up on Sam Merlotte's bar while spiffing up his toenails with a fresh coat of red laquer? And about that, I thought that was nasty. Looked like something I would do. Normally I don't even go to bars. I prefer to do my drinking at home so that way if I slip up and float an air biscuit then I can blame the dog. And if I'm in an eating joint that has a bar I'll make doubly sure to do a sniff test before I belly up to it. If I catch even the faintest whiff of stale parmesean cheese, then I'm outta there.
Also Layfayette was quickly becoming my role model for fashion. I picked up some really awesome ideas for accessorizing, what-not-to-wear and since when is too much black eye-liner a bad thing? And man! Could he sweep the shit out of a floor! If I could only raise up my recliners with one hand like he did, I'd be loaded for bear. I might actually break down and sweep more than once every few months.
Poor Tara! What's our black girl, precious little pearl gonna do now? Layfayette was her touchstone, her rock of stability. I know that's pretty fucked up when your rock of stability is a drug dealing, porn making, v-juice selling gay short order cook who also re-surfaces the highway. But Tara's life is an exercise in fuck-nuttery, as we all know. Heck, she and her mama's one bonding moment came over sucking the heads from a bucket of mudbugs. Now THAT'S fucked up! I still have nightmares about that. No, actually I said to my own mama "you know, if you really loved me as much as you love my sister, then you would have taken me out so we could suck the heads off a bucket of mudbugs". I'm sure you all can guess what she said. Our Tara depended on Layfayette like she couldn't depend on anyone else. Not even Sookie. He was her go-to guy who would listen to her and actually act like he really gave a shit about what happened to her. Here lately Sookie has been too wrapped up in her own drama's to be a decent befri to anyone. And I suspect in my gut that Layfayette would have caught a bullet for his little cousin. And to further fuck up Tara's psyche, she has to be one of the people who finds his body. To quote my favorite old Irish uncle, "dah drodit, that's a real goat fucker ah coming at ya, that it tis". Yep Uncle Mattie, you just might be onto something.
I tried to fool myself into thinking that maybe that big old footsie belonged to someone else. Like maybe one of those three rednecks that put the eternal flame to General Zod, Ursa and Non. REALLY I was hoping it was the one with the curly hair. You know, Mr. Garlicpress himself who looks like he could possibly be a desendent of Hoss Cartwright. Especially after he and Layfayette had that go-round with the "aids burger". But I reckon not. Looks like we're gonna be graced with their presence in the new season. Wonder what those 3 little scamps will be up to?
Friday, December 5, 2008
I'm sure all of you have figured out that I spend an inordinate amount of time mulling over some of the dumbest and most useless shit this side of Old Sweden. But I figure we all have our calling in life and I guess that's mine. For instance, Sookie's footwear. Is it just me, or does she not wear some of the hokiest, funkiest footwear you've not seen since the 1990's? To quote Louisana's resident Pop Princess "like daaang girl (chew, pop, chew), what's up with those dawg covers?" I can't help but wonder where she got them. What? Did she blow old Mayor Norris and he let her "dig around in the archives" and that's what she came up with?
She dresses cute. I'll give her that. But just don't cast your eyes past the knees. For instance, in Episode 2 she's wearing that really cute green and white bathing suit and cover-up and just looking sexier and more fly than a girl has a right to. Her boobs were all firm and perky, like freshly watered gerber daisies. Then I saw those shoes. I thought "WTF? Was she Rosie the Riveter in a former life"? She has no problem going around dressed in less clothing than would cover a gnat's hindquarters. I will give her props for that. And I just have to say this. In episode one when she was outside sunbathing in that cute little two-piece, wearing those white sunglasses, I kept expecting her to start wailing out "blue...ooooo...eee.....oooo... I'm so lonesome for you, tears fill my eyes til I can't see.......". Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest. Back to the topic. Both times that Bill took her to Fangtasia she wore a dress that made her buzzum look like she was trying to smuggle out a baby, ass first. And her hair always looks great, even when it's in a ponytail. Bill just loves her hair. The feel and smell of it makes him harder than week old biscuits. But she seriously needs to deal with her lack of shoe cool. Maybe she could drive over to Shreveport in her canary yellow Honda Hoop-tee and see if Eric could hook her up with some of his Teva catalogs. Snag her some really fly flip-flops. I'm sure if Sookie would just open up her heart to Eric then he would be happy to help her pick out a pair or two. But Sook, honey, I don't really think your heart is the part of you Eric would like you to open. (*wink, nudge*). Just tryin' to clue you in. You know, sort of a heads up. You don't appear to be real smart sometimes when it comes to men.
But who knows. Maybe Sookie's got a big stash of Candies ballerina flats or an assload of Jellies stowed away in her closet, just waiting for next season. Perhaps as a special prize for our patience. God I hope so. Cause if she's not gonna wear Jellies next season, then I ain't gonna fuckin' watch.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Escape From Dragon House is fantastic! Of all 12 episodes, this one is my favorite. For me, this is the episode that let's us begin to see a more interesting, colorful side of the vampire world. And we were introduced to Eric and Pam. Those two! I just love 'em!
This episode begins with, of course, Miss I-Can-Scream-So-Loud-That-Every-Dog-In-Renard-Parish-Headed-For-The-Bayou - discovering poor, pretty Dawn's body. And why in the H E Double Hockeysticks do people like to congregate outside a crime scene like it's high fuckin' entertainment? I've never understood that. Yeah Arlene, you're one classy broad alright. You've got a serial killer who's sharing your bed and who is so considerate of others that he goes inside for some cool refreshments - and don't forget those fuckin' paper doilies - so everyone will be as comfortable as possible while watching the coroner remove the body of the latest girl he strangled. Gee whiz Rene, where were you when I was looking for that special someone? Oh please tell me that you've got a brother! And that damn Maxine Fortenberry. Why couldn't you have strangled HER while you were at it? Cat on a hot tin roof, my big old ass! Maxine, I'm glad you FEEL like a cat on a hot tin roof cause quite frankly you LOOK like a waterbuffalo on a tarmac. Now I will admit before laypeople that I could stand to shed a pound or three, and truthfully I could probably rent my backside out for a billboard. Also, I don't like for folks to say disparaging things about those that are somewhat chunky. Pisses me off in fact. But for Maxine Fortenberry I will make an exception.
And my crazy heart just melted all over itself when Sam leaned over and kissed Sookie on the top of her head. I swear, if Bill wasn't in the picture I would drive over to Bon Temps and slap some sense into Sookie until she started to love Sam like he loves her. He's just so damn sweet. I know he can get a tad protective and whiney, but he'd really make some gal a great husband. And he can guard the house at night too.
Little did I know that when Jason ingested that vial of v-juice just what torment we would all be subjected to in coming episodes. I sure do wish he had dropped that vial and spilled it all on the floormats. We could have had much more Bill time. But that whole eggplant thing was immensely funny. I do have a very lowbrow sense of humor at times, and I am a tad on the common side if the situation calls for it. And that whole "acute case of priapism" thing was some funny shit. Especially when Tara said that she wasn't ever gonna be the same after watching that doc drain Jason's johnson. Seems like I heard that before. I think it was on my wedding night. And it wasn't me who said it.
Now to the best part. Fangtasia! From the ride over in Bill's fine, fine shaggin' wagon, to his smolderingly hot eye raping of Sookie in that dress (wouldn't we all just KILL to look like that in a titty-pushing dress?) and Sookie's first meeting with Eric and Pam, it was just divine! I've got a gut feeling that Bill might have some "issues" with Eric. Just a hunch on my part. Actually I get the feeling that at some point in time Eric has treated Bill to a big ole Steve Erkel style butt wedgie and His Royal Hotness is still a mite worked up over it. And I thought the ole hairy eyeball look he was casting Eric's way was the self-same look an ex-husband would give to the bitch who not only took everything he had in the divorce settlement, but left him a scorching case of herpes for good measure. And then to top it off, he has to go trotting over to bow and act like they're asshole buddies when His Majesty gives a flick of those 20 inch fingers. And didn't you just LOVE the way Eric did that little shiver when he said "mainstreaming"! He sorta looked like someone snuck up behind him and slid an ice cube up his hidey hole. Yeah, I'd say Bill would give up about a hundred years of his life if he could tell Eric to go fuck himself. Morn' once.
What about Taryn and those fangs! On all the other vamps I've seen so far, the fangs looks realistic. Yeah, like I really KNOW how a vampire's fangs should look. But I just thought Taryn's were a tad on the long side. Like maybe they ran out of enough fangs for the extras and somebody found some leftover wooly mammoth teeth in a prop closet from Clan Of The Cavebear. Can you tell I'm one of those people who abides by the strict rule of "if you can't say something critical about someone, then keep your damn mouth shut?"
And who knew vampires rode Hover Boards! I certainly didn't. At least, that's what it looked like to me when they all were looking like a bunch of Israelites fleeing Egypt. Eric, does Marty McFly know you broke into his house and snagged his Hover Board? And another thing, I was wondering about that police raid. Now if the law enforcement in Shreveport was no better than in Bon Temps, how on earth would they go about arresting any vampires at Fangtasia? Cause quite frankly, Bud and Andy couldn't pull off raiding a treehouse full of 8 year olds who'd been stealing cookies out of the cookie jar. Then I read in Dead Until Dark about the raid at Fangtasia. The cops had a special paddy wagon outfitted with silver bars and silver lining inside it. And the cops were actually vampires themselves! Boy, I'll bet they're real popular at a tribunal.
"I like your gun. Can I hold it?" No, that wasn't Bill. That's what Sookie was thinking when she asked Bill to stop for a minute. Yeah, sure. She just needed things to stop, my foot. She was planning on nailing Bill and his fine, fine shootin' instrument until that fucknut of a cop showed up and ruined it all. Bad cop *slap, slap*.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Episode 3, Mine. I just love this episode. Why? I dunno, I just do. I think mainly because it has so many things happening all during the show. And we hadn't yet been subjected to Jason and his fuckee-doodled v-juice trips. Damn, I hated those things! And also because it was the first time we really got a good look at the inside of Bill's house. Seriously Dude, I say dis wid all due respect - you ever hear of a little show on TLC called Curb Appeal? You need to score a satellite dish or may a comcast hook-up. Or even better, you and Eric could do one of those Trading Spaces things. I do realize that you've spent a whole lot of time and money fixin' up that kick ass bathroom you have, but damn! Your downstairs looks like massive epidemic of small pox blew through Bon Temps and landed right smack-kadab on your parlor walls! And I say dis wid all due respect.
Now I know it's very, very important to have that big ole comfy bathtub so that your lady love will have a place to soak her sore cooter after you have finished de-flowering her. And let's don't forget abut Eric. He's your befri and where else is he gonna do a B & E and then stretch his fine, long-legged self out if not in your massive tub? You do have a way of looking out for your homeboys. And Eric just has so much damn fun humilating you while chillaxing there too. Oooh, and let's not forget about your new income tax deduction! She's never gonna come out of the bathroom now. Daddy, can I borrow the car?
But about those friends of yours...............we need to discuss that. Yeah, yeah, I know they are all G.O.N.E. But we can still discuss them and hopefully you'll see the error of your ways. They seemed to be a tad - how shall I saw this - common. Yeah, that's the word. Especially that Liam! I have to side with Jason on him. He's one freaky looking dude. I haven't seen anyone that fuckin' freaky looking since Pee Wee Herman. I remember when Jason was watching that video with Maudette. Liam starts going all Michael Phelpsish with his back and neck and shit. On the freak scale of 1 to 10, he's about a 16.
Diane, where DID you score that dress? I haven't seen that much gold lame on one person since Elvis in Loving You. Although you look remarkably like a young lady who works down the road around here at the Dollar General, I get the feeling that you weren't very nice even when you were a breather. Actually, you're still a breather, cause your chest sure was aheavin' when you were hanging out the door acting all assholish when the Sook showed up. You might want to work on that. Skank.
Malcom, you just make me want to do the Disco Duck. Yeah, don't be a cluck. WHEREVER did you get those clothes? Did you raid the wardrobe vault from Welcome Back Kotter? But you do pull off the look admirably. I don't think anyone else could wear those double knitwit pants and polyester shirt with the style and grace that you do. And I don't think anyone really wants to. You are a man among men. I can only hope and pray that you weren't wear those gold chains when you got the Eternal Flame. It would be such a shame to deprive the rest of the world of such treasures.
Sookie, you shouldn't have been so mean to Bill. It wasn't his fault that his frat party got a little out of hand. If you can't hang, then you can't hang! Now maybe things did get a little intense there a time or two, what with Diane and Liam about to dive in for a little summin summin, and you having to watch The Heroin Queen polish a pork sword. Then there's Bill just smackin' his lips and about to grease down on the Jerry. And let's don't forget about YOU WERE ALMOST CHOKED. No, we musn't forget about that. But that's no reason to get all Leona Helmsley on poor Bill. Cause that's the way a vamp rolls! And what do you mean, you couldn't stand to kiss Bill after them? Honey, I expect I would wade through a 50 acre field of pig shit for a kiss from Bill. Really,you need to get over yourself.
Then you show up at his house the next day IN THE DAYLIGHT, peeking all through his windows and just being downright nosy as hell. And I do believe that was you stretched out on his front doorsteps, giving old sassy lassie a good rub down. Yep, there's no better way to get the attention of a man than to be sprawled out on his front steps while causing your vision to go bad. At least that's what my mama told me would happen.
Gotta go. I need to go get some new glasses.
Where, oh where, does Bill get all his coin from? I've been thinking about this for quite some time now, especially since episode 2 when he was talking to Sookie about "not gettin' into any trouble over the renovations". When she mentioned that she would make some calls to a few electricians, I thought "whoa daddy, hold the milk". She's talking about some major bucks there. Unfortunately for us Bill chicks, those electrical contractors rang the death knell for Bill's hotass smokin' hair. I reckon when the electricity got hooked up Bill wasted no time a hot footin' it to Wal-Mart at midnight to snag a blowdryer and curling iron. Really fucked up his hair. And we're still not over it.
And that ass-kickin' bathroom! Just that tub alone would set you back at least the price of a good used Tahoe. And the last time I checked, they weren't exactly giving away those BMW's. Speaking of Bill and his shaggin' wagon, I just have to comment about Bill & Sookie's ride in the BMW, back from Fangtasia. It was at the beginning of Sparks Fly Out, the opening scene when Bill pulls up in front of Sookie's house and that hmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmm bmmmmmmm noise is coming from the speakers. I swear, that look Sookie gave Bill when he stopped the car was priceless! Just cracked me up big time. I just know she had to be thinking "damn dude, you ever hear of Brooks & Dunn?"
Do you think he's been a bad boy, that's he's been "glimmering" folk for their money? Somehow, I just can't believe that. Now I realize that if anyone can glimmer someone into givin' up the Buxton, it'd be our beautiful blue-eyed boy. But Bill's soooooo not scary, so not apt to do something like that. But I do think that he might have pilfured a dollar or two from those two skanky redneck losers, the Rattrays. And he should have. After all, they got most of it by selling V and some of it dealing drugs. As my sainted Granny use to say "ill gotten gains will be your destruction". Word. And when Bill admitted to Sookie that he did in fact feed on the Rat twins, I immediately said "Bill's having a Big Mac attack!" Bill really did need that blood, no matter how sorry the origin. After all, they stole about 2 pints from him and lest we forget Sookie guzzled about 2 gallons from his arm. But I seem to be getting off topic. I tend to do that. A lot. Mack, Denise - before I put you two low life's to rest I just want to express the undying appreciation for your generous contribution. If Bill did clean out your stash of ill gotten gains and then used it to buy that bathtub, then you have my undying gratitude. After all, you two made it possible for us to get a really, really good view of First Lt. William Thomas Compton, climbing into that tub and showing us what we wanted - no, deserved, needed to see. If not for our lust, but also our sanity. Now girls, don't get all pissy with me and hire a bounty hunter to find me and cut off major protruding parts, but I have to say this. Bill needs to do some clenches. I'm jes' sayin. I have to admitt that Sam has completely tore his stuff up in the super fine ass department. He's got something a redneck girl can really sink her teeth into! And for Bill to hate Sam as much as I hate the IRS, then he just needs a gentle reminder to WORK IT! You know, up and down, up and down......oh Lord, now I'm getting hot. Wait, I need a cold drink and maybe some of Tara's HoHo's.
Also, I watched Episode 10 again last night. Hey, didn't we all?? I just have to say that during that tribunal scene, when that mean old magistrate hollered at Bill to "back your shit down!" I really thought for a moment there that Bill was gonna holler back "yeah, sure, I'll back it down. Just as soon as you back my boot out of your ass, you Edward Scissorhands lookin' motherfucker!' But thankfully, he kept quite.
And I see from the previews of tomorrow night that Tara has done me a solid and thankfully gotten out of that red dress. Thanks girlfriend, I owe you one. I am assuming she gave it to the girls in lockup. I'm sure they fought and scratched over that prize too. I thought when I saw Tara at that party with that funky hairdo, scary Alexis Collins makeup and last but not least that dress that she looked like Fuck You Bitch That's My Corner Barbie. Made by Mattel.
Well - what's the verdict? Did everyone like what they saw last night? Most of it gets a yes vote, but there was a scene or two I could have done without. Like Jason Stackhouse and his psycho French cooking gypsy girlfriend. I swear, I try to keep an open mind about those two, but here lately they just make my ass want to suck a lemon. I'm as sorry as the next guy that Amy is getting her own dirt nap and she's not coming back as a vampire in 24 hours or that Eric didn't get hip to her shit either, but I'm sooooo glad I don't have to take that psychadelic vjuice induced flight of fancy with those two anymore. I thought last night when I saw them with the vjuice "nooooooooooooo, not another v-trip, it's wasting valuable Bill time!" I will have to give some props to the special effects people tho. That scene of Jason throwing Amy into the air and she's just flying far, far away looks super cool to me. I have wanted to do that to her for quite some time now.
Bill, pay attention boy - as far as Pam goes (although it did cause me to snort a time or two when she peeked at Jessica's junk) you just need to go ahead and beat dat 'ho down. Now I realize that might be a challenge since I just don't envision you striking a woman, but DAMN! That gal's got bigger balls than you and Eric put together. With the attitude to match.
I loved this episode. Why? Because I just did. Why? Because it's my favorite show right now. Why? Because Bill gives me a hot-put-juicy. Why? 'Cause he just does. Why?
That look on Bill's face when the dirt started to move around and Jessica started to crawl out! I thought for sure that Bill was gonna say "SHUT UP!" like Sookie did when took that silver chain off Bill in episode 1. And I have to say that the look of all but total horror on his face when she came out screaming was the exact same look I saw on my husband's face when he realized that he, and only he, was gonna have to deal with not only a mega-shitty diaper, but a meta-shitty crib as well. And Jessica's YEE HAW! I"M A VAMPIRE! will be the defining quote for this entire season. It should be on a billboard.
A lot of posters are wanting to ream Bill a new one over his so-called whimpy handling of Jessica. Why? I know he isn't as forceful as Eric or Pam, but come on. Bill is really and truly more human than vamp, and what I saw was this. He's a man who's never been around children very much. His own were very small when he left them. And if you've never dealt with a girl going through those teenage years, then you don't really know what horror is. He looked like what he is, a man who suddenly was handed a teenage girl to take care of and didn't know fuckall about what he was suppose to do. Just think about it, if a single man who'd never had any experience with children was suddenly handed a teen-age girl to take care, keep out of trouble and try to teach a thing or two, what do you have? A damn hysterically funny situation. Poor Bill. I expect that coffin chained with silver is looking better and better right about now.
Well Sookie. You certainly peed in your chilli. Although I am loving you for being so nice to poor abused Sam. He really needed that. And I can't say I blame him for moving in and laying claim to some of the goods. After all, shapeshifter or not, he's still a man. And I thought the scene of them riding in the car and her teasing him about hanging his head out the window was a sign that she'd accepted him for what he was and it was ok. Sookie, I sure thought that all you needed to get you off that high horse you've been riding for 2 weeks now and once again look like the cat (RIP Tina) that landed a lifetime gift certificate to the creamery , was a booty call or three over to the Compton crib. But, like I said, you done gone and done Bill wrong and I hope he tells you to take you squirrel and go look for other nuts. But we both know he won't do that. Why? Cause he loves you. Why? Beats the hell outta me. Why? Because we need a gut-wrenching, heart-pounding episode next week that will make us puke for a week from the anxiety of wanting to know what happens. Why? SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
OK Eric - you just about had him. Bill, I mean. It's too damn bad you glimmering skills don't work on vamps. You just about had Bill confess his reason for coming to Bon Temps. I sure wish he had spilled the beans tho. I would have loved, loved to have seen that look on Eric's face when Bill said it. But Eric will just have to join ranks with us blood sacs and wait until next season. Unless Eric, you decide to tie me to a bed and do really nasty things to make me talk. I just warn you tho. I am really tuff. It might take a week or two.. Then I just might tell you. Actually, I'd prefer it be Bill, but we both know he's too damn lovestruck - or cuntstruck - to even think about sniffin' out some new tail. To quote and slightly change a line from a favorite show of mine "just look at 'em. They're afloat, lightern' air, in some fairy-fuckin' bubble. Him, her snatch and those stoopid fuckin' fangs!" But I must say Bill, you really REALLY don't need to be owing Eric any favors. Not smart Bill, not smart at all. Cause Eric ain't the kind of homeboy to let a favor owed him slide. Word.
BON TEMP BUGLE
Saturday, November 23, 2008
LOCAL BUSINESSMEN TAKE TOP HONORS
By Roving Reporter ABNegative
Sam Merlotte, local businessman and owner of Merlotte's Bar & Grill on Hummingbird Trail, just north of the Parish Road, has recently taken top honors at the Eukanuba Dog Championship held this past week in Philadelphia PA. "Dean" was named BEST IN SHOW. Mr. Merlotte's trainer and handler, Terry Bellafleur, said he was extremely proud of the showing that "Dean" made at the championship. "We were up against some very tough competition and we really weren't expecting to win this cup. He went on to say that he was grateful to Sam Merlotte - who is Mr. Bellafleur's employer - for allowing him the opportunity to work with and train Dean. "I didn't know how much time we would have since I have had to spend several months in Bon Temps Nervous Hospital and it was hard for both Sam and I to be absent from the bar at the same time, but Dean was very committed to winning" Several of the employees and patrons of Merlotte's Bar and Grill were asked what they thought about this honor. Layfayette Reynolds, short order cook, said "Hallalujes!, Hallalujes!!" . Sookie Stackhouse, waitress, said "Great, that's just great. But I don't see why you aren't thinking about ME and trying to find out who's out there still trying to KILL ME!" Bill Compton, former customer, said" I"m delighted for Tery Bellafleur, since as you know, we are brothers-in-arms and he has been very gracious to our people. But Sam and I have had a difficult relationship for years. Besides, he provokes me!" We also spoke with Tara Thornton, bartender and rumoured to be a romantic interest of Mr. Merlotte. Her response was "A dog! Sam's a dog! Well of all the stupid, dumbass, mo**erf**king shit! And he had the nerve to tell me I grunted like somekind of godd*m farm animal? Shit!"
Mr. Bellafleur, as you remember, recently gained national fame and attention himself when his exclusive line of jewelery made from two pronged possum pecker dick bone, was featured on QVC. He has also been invited to be the Grand Marshall for the annual Possum Poke Festival held in lovely downtown TY Ty , GA. Ty Ty is nationally known as the home of the Hiney Wineries. "There's Nothing So Bad A Little Hiney Can't Fix".
The Bon Temp Bugle proudly blows it's horn for our own! Salute!
Tara, Tara, Tara. Alright, alright, alrighta! You've certainly improved your digs ain't ya? Just one little question tho, my funny, angry black feminist. I know that bed looked extremely comfy and all, but did it not bother you that there was a HUGE painting of a white woman with her ass hanging over your head when you woke up? I know it would creep the fuck outta me. Jes' askin'. Inquiring minds, and all. And what is it exactly with white people and lots of fruit? I guess as expensive as fruit is nowadays, that's the new Cristal. Cost as much anyhow. Also Tara, you said you didn't know if your mama was mean or just plain stupid for naming you after a plantation. What about your newfound Satan in a Sunday hat? He calls himself after a high-tone breakfast dish eaten by rich white people and I just know that two weeks ago that would have chaffed your crack to hell and back. Again, jes' askin'. And for heaven't sake Tara, don't let your mama catch sight of your new buddy's pet hog. Can you imagine the shitload of hoecakes that Lettie Mae could make with all that bacon grease?
Maryanne - aka the human vibrator, I know you are gonna turn out to be the evilest bitch this side of Alexis Collins, but I have to say that if I were to ever get invited to a big old orgy, I could only hope you would be there. The way you vibrate I'll bet everybody there would be fighting like cats in heat to sit in your lap. You should even charge for it. On second thought, maybe You DO charge for it and that's how you can afford all that fruit. I swear, the way you rattle and hum would make even the stubbornest hoo haw think it had found Jesus. And Sam - I don't want to make you need to get any hipper to her shit that your already are, but the pig lady has got a massive hard-on for you. And I don't mean in a carnal way. Hopefully not anyhow. Cause MAN I think that would hurt big time. You'd be one crooked running little dog for a week or two. But it does appear that the two of you have somesort of a "past" together. And she doesn't seem the type to be down with the bygones thing.
Aren't Terry and Arlene looking cuter and cuter together? I swear, I wish I could just once hear a man tell me that my hair makes him think of sunset after a bomb exploded. Actually, I think I HAVE had a man tell me that my hair looked like a bomb exploded IN IT. But I guess that's not quite the same thing. I think I told him that he shoulda seen it before I combed it. Personally, I think Terry should just man up and go for it. Yeah Terry, just think like you're Moses, pick up your rod and part that red sea! Who knows, you just might get to fondle a clavicle or two.
I know I haven't mentioned Jason, Layfayette and a few others yet. But I'll save them for later. I'm still pissed about Layfayette.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sookie you got some splainin' to do. Now I watched and rewatched the final episode thinking that maybe I was so overcome by the sight of His Royal Hotness standing on the porch wearing that lucious brown henley that I became unconscious for a minute or two, or my cable went out for a few minutes, or maybe the smoke from that doobie had impeded my vision. But since none of you saw it, I guess it just wasn't there.
What happened on your end Sookie? And I mean your end in all ways possible too. I realize you were a little sore and stiff and had that one-eyed purple thing going on, but there was nothing wrong with your hoo haw as far as I could tell. So in my version of The Rules there is just no excuse acceptable. Not even a visit from Aunt Flo. Cause something tells me that Aunt Flo showing up unexpectedly would be no consequence to our Bill. I thought for sure when you were laying up there on the sofa , all swaddled in Gran's granny square afghan, watching Shirley Temple wring a big pile of tears the size of pumpkins out of your eyes while watching The Little Princess that you had finally realized how badly your biscuit needed butterin'. So, again, what happened?
Sookie, now pay attention. Here are The Rules For A Fully Growed Woman. You answer the door, waste a few seconds looking surprised/squally, listen for about 2 seconds to poor guilty, conflicted Bill mumble something about "I fed", then you say "yeah, yeah, whatever- now get yo ass in here". Then you reach out and grab Bill by the neck of that lucious brown henley, fling him in the house so fast that his no -brain-wave head is spinning. (Don't forget to quickly holler out an invite). Then throw him down and TEAR. THAT. ASS. UP. I mean you should have ridden him like Tobey rode Seabiscuit.
And I'm still pissed about Layfayette.
Hold the phone folks. It appears that Bon Temps resident Pussy Hound has discovered his true calling. He's gonna be a freak for Jesus! Or even better - he's gonna be a freak for the Fellowship of the Sun! Hey, that's even better. Cause anytime a bunch of nutcases include the name "Fellowship" in their title, you just know it's gonna cause more trouble than tomcats on Viagra. And I did read a while back that Bon Temps is French for Good Times. Yes, that quaint little village is certainly that. What with all the murders of loose and wayward women, poor innocent grannys, poor innocent cats, and probably our favorite friend of Dorothy, Layfayette, I could see how Bon Temps earned it's reputation.
As you recall, our Mr. Stackhouse has enjoyed more random snatch than anybody in Bon Temps. I'll venture to say that the sales of Monistat has gone up considerable since Jason got his first woodie. But there has been one nagging question that I just can't seem to shake. In episode 1 when he came into Merlotte's looking for Sookie he had just been enjoying a nice fish sandwich, sans tartar sauce, courtesy of Maudette. I just need to know that he washed his face. Or at least pulled out the Oral-B and Colgate before he started to rub all up against Dawn and play the old smoochy "you know you still want me" game. Cause girls, I can tell you this. There is nothing that I can think of that conveys the "I have been pining away for you something awful" message than to get up close and personal with a face smelling like 3 day old red snapper. Yeah, that'll melt the heart of even the toughest broad. Cause nuthin' says lovin' like muffin on the muggin.. Especially if it ain't yours. And I love that look Tara gives both of them. That one-eyebrow raised up. Carrie Bradshaw can do that. I've have tried, practiced and at one point convinced myself that I had nailed it. But when I put my newfound skill to work people asked me how old I was when I was diagnosed with Tourettes.
Jason, I expect if Sis wasn't still cruisin' on the Hillbillie Heroin Highway when you came to see her, she would have nailed your ass bigtime about your newfound calling. The poor girl already knows that a bag of grits would best you in an IQ contest, but she was just so happy to see you out of jail and that she wasn't laid out at funeral parlor awaiting her turn for that really bad make-up job that a lot of the conversation just sailed on over her head. I think that in a few days she's gonna be slinging gin and tonics at Merlotte's and a lightbulb will suddenly come on over her head and she's gonna say "hey, wait a minute..........that dumb little shit has joined WHAT??" But I have to admitt that I was tickled spitless when you two made up.
But Jason, something tells me that you don't really understand what that FOS bunch is all about. You just think they sell condos down by the gulf.
Jason, you seem to be the outdoors type. I predict that there's a big hunting trip in your future. It will involve a canoe, a lot of rapidly coursing water, a bow and arrow, some banjoe music and something about a pig. Enjoy.
Muthafudge. Yep, that's what I said. Where, oh where, was the money shot of Bill's ass? Sookie, girlfriend, we left you in charge and you dropped the ball. Actually, I don't think you ever had either ball in your hand to drop. So I'll say it again. Muthafudge.
Sookie, I know your face was all bruised and concussed up and all, but damn! Look what he had to go through in an attempt to save you. The worst, and I mean worst, sunburn evah! Bill, sweetie, I'm afraid we can ALL smell the sunlight on your skin. Sookie, if Bill's willing to go out in the sun and wind up looking like a Kingsford charcol brickette, the least you could have done was to kick it old school and show him how much you appreciated his sacrifice. For instance
1) get down, and I mean waaayyy down, on his johnson
2) throw him down on the stairs and fuck him like Helen of Troy with her ass on fire.
3) both of the above
Now I'm not implying that the tender kissyface scene wasn't sweet and just made me fall in love even more with Mr. Hotstuff. But damn, we need something to tide us over for the next 6 months. Some ass! Some fuckin'!
Movin' on. Sookie, I do declare. Where in the HELL are you getting all those Easter egg colored Keds. Hell, even my 82 year old mother stopped wearing them a while back cause they were just too damn ugly. What, do you still have a thing for Dirty Dancing? Or did you mama leave them to you in her will? Let's see, Jason gets the house and property and you get a lifetime supply of Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner pastel Keds. And who says life ain't fair!
And our Bill plays the piano! What that man can't do with those fingers, well, just doesn't need to be done. Yeah! Play that funky music white boy! I don't know about y'all, but I got a very definate Phantom Of The Opera feel with that piano playing. And that delicious smile of anticipation on his mug when the door opened! Much like I have when the pizza guy gets here. And then to realize who was actually at his door. Gee, if I remember, the last time those two came to call life suddenly took a turn for the worse. And guess what! It's about to happen again. Eric, it's a damn shame all of us don't have friends like you. You make getting hit by a bus an absolute thrill. And I do appreciate you dropping Britney Spears off at her daddy's house too. Bill, just a word to the wise. If she starts wearing a pink wig and speaking with a British accent, then I would suggest that you drop her AND Sookie off with Eric as you haul ass outta Dodge.
Eric and Bill. Those two. What are we gonna do with them? I'll see your two fangs and a hiss and I'll raise you two fangs and a hiss. Pam, I with ya there. I'm sure if you'd had a ruler handy you would have just told them to unzip, haul it out and let's get this over with. Men! Sheesh.........
I've got more to discuss later. There's just so much swirling in my head about this episode and I haven't had a chance to watch it again. Which is a good thing, or else this would turn into the mother of all long-assed posts.
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"Sookah is mine!"
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" What are you"
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*Coming soon - Eric Northman, Sheriff of Area 5 Action Figure
Has anyone noticed the inordinate amount of times that Sookie's been almost choked? I swear, I've never heard of nor seen anyone who gets choked as much as her. Her windpipe must be the size of a pregnant woman's cankle. I see that choking must be the perfered method of homicide in Bon Temps, followed closely by tornadoes that don't skip and hop. I've purposely skipped gran's murder cause I just don't want to describe it. But I have noticed that there's never any bruising or handprints on her throat. She must have really great blood. Bill sure seems to like it. At last count there were 4 choking scenes, including the one after gran died. I'm still not convinced that it was a dream of Bill's. I just think Sookie was so fogged out from the valium (it will do that to you, take my word for it) that she just doesn't remember right now. I think she will later tho, when the final shit hits the final proverbial fan. I noticed, even before gran died, something unusual in the background leading up to this event. On the night that Bill visited with her and gran in their home, I noticed that when Jason came tearing up the driveway, spewing rocks and gravel and probably killing a squirrel or two, in his black Dodge Ram that there was a ladder just outside Sookie's window. I got the gut feeling that this was no accident, nor was it done for the sake of authentic scenery. Then, when gran's body was discovered and Bill saw that Sookie's screen had been cut, I knew my feeling was justified. And I certainly didn't see Andy or Bud up there checking out the slashed screen either, so I doubt the ladder got removed. Andy, Bud - I sure wish you two had worked the OJ Simpson murder investigation. He would be in the pokie right now being someone's bitch, as I speak. In all the activity of gran's visitation and funeral, I'm sure no one bother to remove the ladder either. So, I figure once Tara bum-rushed everyone out of the house and the killer knew that Bill was safely stowed away somewhere and was dead until dark, well there was the perfect opportunity to finished what he started.
The first choking scene was of course from the episode of "Mine". This is one of my favorite episodes, just below Escape From Dragon House. Girls, I don't mean to be critical of our heartthrob, but he's sometimes a tad slow on the uptake. Now I know he's faster than the speed of light, cause I've seen him haul ass up stairs faster than my mama can pop the chops of a sassy youngun, so what's the problem Bill? You recall when Malcom's little Daisy Duke wearing mad money, you remember- the HepD mule, looking like a porn star with that tan (what?no pink lipstick?) was putting the choke hold on Sookie. Smooth bodied Jerry can jump up from the sofa, attach his hands to Sookie's throat and start to choke the bejesus out of her so fast that her eyes are bugged out and I'm surprised the force of it doesn't close up that gap between her front teeth. He can even do a flashback to some Kenny Chesney lookin' dude named Marcus who's giving him the see-ya-wouldn't-wanna-be-ya. Finally Bill gets up and decides that "oh shit, this might be a sit-che-ashun" and flips Jerry to the divan. Yeah Bill, you with your super fine looking self, you might want to work on that reaction time. Especially since your ain true love seems to be in the crosshairs - or chokehold - an awful lot. And one more thing Sookie - you are, well, sometimes such a spaz. After the Dynamic Duo and Tattoo Man finally leave, Bill looks down at you with those smokin' hot lusty eyes as he's helping you to sit up. Now I'm thinking that you're really gonna rag on his ass with something like "gee whiz hot stuff, I'm certainly proud you finally took your thumb out your ass and decided to make yourself useful as well as ornamental and keep me from dying". But no, uh uh. Nope, not you. You first word is "what's Hep D"?
Next in the saga of Here Comes Sookie, Don't You Just Want To Throttle Her, we have Longshadow and his issues with money management. Now personally, I think Bill should have been so close up under Sookie while she was doing the telepathyathon that he could tell what color her naval lint was. I'm jes sayin'. If you're gonna announce on a daily basis "Suckie must be protected!!" , then fer Chrissakes, get yo super fine lookin' ass over there and protect! But where is he? Where most men would be. Hanging at the bar, exchanging Fuck You! - No, Fuck You! looks with Eric. Not paying much attention to the object of their affection while she's about to get choked. Again. Bill, if things don't work out with Sookie, I sure hope you don't decide to work for the Secret Service. Once again, I'm jes sayin'.
And last, but I feel sure not least, is Merlotte's. She should have known that he was gonna go for the gullet. What? Her knees don't work? I kept hollering out "damn Sookie, put your knee in his nuts!!" But no, she just frantically tries to pull away his hands. And does manage to get away, right into the arms of Rin Tin Tin. She's safe! But for how long..........................................................................
Since this was an earlier post, I am adding to it since the season is over and that age old question that kept us up at night has finally been resolved. No - not who the killer was, but whether or not Sookie was gonna do me proud and nail Bill's ass on the front porch. And Sookie, you failed your test for Queen of the HooHaws. Failed BIGTIME! But since the subject is Sookie's poor abused gullet, I will touch on that subject for a moment.
Yep, I knew it. Rene, you big poser, I just knew you weren't a real Cajun! You looked too much like a former boss of mine to be anything but a total creepy fucknut. And of course, you preferred method of killing off those annoying females who rather enjoyed getting vamp stamped was ..........wait for it.................wait...........CHOKING! I knew it! Sookie, I think when those Emmy's are handed out, your throat should top the list.
What a great episode! No, it wasn't the gonad burner of a few others, but all in all, it was outstanding. From the opening scenes (btw Bill, you have an absolute ass-kicking bathroom!). Do you shop at Bed Bath And Beyond? Classic neutral colors, just the right lighting, and scented candles for those romantic post-coital baths! I wonder what scent they are? I would guess something like Vanilla Bean and Brown Sugar. And maybe some sugar scrub for the tub. Hey! That rhymns! And I do like that big-ass shower. And a loofah ta boot! Just a nagging question here, why would you even need a loogah? If your skin cells don't renew themselves, then I wouldn't think you would be plagued with that itchy, ashy skin that those pesky humans are afflicted with and is sooooo appealing to the eye. Anyway, props to the bathroom.. I'll just bet you watch TLC all the time. That is when you're not busy popping cherries, improving you golf game and fighting those primal urges to suck the occassional femoral artery.
Now to the good stuff. Poor Sam, aka Snoop Dogg. I wonder if he greets Layfayette with the well know ghetto fist bump and greeting of "dawg". I know some posters are reaming him a new one over his actions, but come on gals. Don't you feel sorry for him? He gets nothing but rejection from all fronts. He has his faults, sure, but I suspect some of it springs from abandonment issues, rejection by those he wants to give his heart to, and constantly feeling like he has to hide who and what he is from everyone. The background scenes of his adopted family just abandoning him made me have a tear in my baby blues. I want to just hug him and offer a soft warm lap for him to crawl into. And maybe some snausages. And way to go there Sook! That's the way to be there for a good friend who was there for you when Gran rather rudely got sent over to the Land of Cloudless Day. Those sad puppy-dog eyes just begging to be loved by you or just anyone. Fer Chrissake! Just a clue-in here Sam, it ain't gonna be Tara. That girl's too fucked-up to know who or what she loves. No man, be he human, shape-shifter, or vamp is anywhere near ready for her jelly. Maybe someday she'll be a player in the game of love, but not now. If anyone needed space to figure out what part of the parrallel universe she wants to be in, well it's her. (Did anyone else get flashbacks of Carnivale's Sophia when Tara's child-self with those weird assed black eyes appeared?) Every prophet in her house. You listening Sook? Speaking of Sookie, there she is, acting like she's really interested in a crash course of Shapeshifter 101. Then when Sam opens up to her and only wants assurance and acceptance, what does she do? She flies into a PMS freak-out! To invoke a few lines from a previous episode from Dawn, with the beautiful voice of parrakeets and angels, "you need to get off your high horse". And let's don't forget "you're a mean, nasty bitch." Yes Tara, she can be that at times.
Poor Eddie. I was sure hoping that he would make it back to his nice home where Eternal Flame and Heroes were waiting for him. What a crazy bitch! That's what you get Jason for letting you dick occupy what a medula oblongota should. You can sure pick 'em! You only think you're in some shit with the Hewie and Lewie, aka known as Bon Temps crackerjack law enforcement. Just wait until Eric gets a whiff of your Baby Jane channeling, vampire staking girlfriend. Jason, you would have been much better off taking care of Mr. Limpdick the regular way. Like...say....waiting a full hour before trying to get Mr. Spunky to come to attention again. You really, really didn't need the vamp juice. 'Jes sayin'. Boy, you are in a mess 'o trouble. Word.
And I have to make mention of Jason's personal grooming scene. yes, he has nice hair. Actually, he has GREAT hair. If I were Mr. Moyer, I think when I got my hair done for the next season I would pull a When Harry Met Sally on the stylist. I would point to Jason's stylist and say "I want what he's having". Mr. Moyer, there's just too much Dippidty in your Do these days.
My poor, poor tortured Bill. "Just when I thought I was out - they pull me back in!" And Eric - WTF? You didn't exactly step in there until Bill practically begged you for help. You really left Bill's cheese to twist in the wind, didn't ya? You must really, really want Sookie. Probably not as much as Pam does. But still, you should at least have thrown yo nigga a bone and not made him beg! And I got the feeling that Eric - and especially Pam - wished they were the ones doing the turning. Eric looked like he was turned on, big time. I think I would describe it as half pity for Bill and the girl, and half woodie. Well, maybe more than half. Next week's episode should be interesting indeed.
Since I know who the killer is, I just won't make any comments about what happened during the party. Except to tell Tara to ditch that damn dress at the first opportunity. Or at least give it to LaFayette. I think it would look quite fetching on that Senator. And did you borrow that horrid blue eye shadow from him? If so, then don't never do it again. You made me wish I was the one gettin' drunk just looking at that shit. You look much better in those low-rise Chuck Taylor's, skinny jeans, and Family Dollar tees.
And Sookie! She made me wish Malcom was still alive and sucking, just to hear him announce "well, looks who's here. Everyone's favorite buzz kill". She's certainly the one to invite to your party if you want everyone to leave by 9:00 and have a real suck-ass time. Hey girl, I know you're missing yo man big time. You've been taking those B12's like a good little fangbanger, prolly stocked up on those Herbal Massengil's and even gotten all the acorns and twigs out of your cooter, but DAMN! At least ACT like you're having fun. I know Arlene is the poster child for intolerant attitudes and bigotry and all, but she is your friend. And you for sure don't have a lot of then to spare. So cheer the fuck up and put on a happy face. Even if it is false. Arlene's too dumb to notice.
More thoughts later. I know y'all just cannot wait.