Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sookie you got some splainin' to do. Now I watched and rewatched the final episode thinking that maybe I was so overcome by the sight of His Royal Hotness standing on the porch wearing that lucious brown henley that I became unconscious for a minute or two, or my cable went out for a few minutes, or maybe the smoke from that doobie had impeded my vision. But since none of you saw it, I guess it just wasn't there.
What happened on your end Sookie? And I mean your end in all ways possible too. I realize you were a little sore and stiff and had that one-eyed purple thing going on, but there was nothing wrong with your hoo haw as far as I could tell. So in my version of The Rules there is just no excuse acceptable. Not even a visit from Aunt Flo. Cause something tells me that Aunt Flo showing up unexpectedly would be no consequence to our Bill. I thought for sure when you were laying up there on the sofa , all swaddled in Gran's granny square afghan, watching Shirley Temple wring a big pile of tears the size of pumpkins out of your eyes while watching The Little Princess that you had finally realized how badly your biscuit needed butterin'. So, again, what happened?
Sookie, now pay attention. Here are The Rules For A Fully Growed Woman. You answer the door, waste a few seconds looking surprised/squally, listen for about 2 seconds to poor guilty, conflicted Bill mumble something about "I fed", then you say "yeah, yeah, whatever- now get yo ass in here". Then you reach out and grab Bill by the neck of that lucious brown henley, fling him in the house so fast that his no -brain-wave head is spinning. (Don't forget to quickly holler out an invite). Then throw him down and TEAR. THAT. ASS. UP. I mean you should have ridden him like Tobey rode Seabiscuit.
And I'm still pissed about Layfayette.
Hold the phone folks. It appears that Bon Temps resident Pussy Hound has discovered his true calling. He's gonna be a freak for Jesus! Or even better - he's gonna be a freak for the Fellowship of the Sun! Hey, that's even better. Cause anytime a bunch of nutcases include the name "Fellowship" in their title, you just know it's gonna cause more trouble than tomcats on Viagra. And I did read a while back that Bon Temps is French for Good Times. Yes, that quaint little village is certainly that. What with all the murders of loose and wayward women, poor innocent grannys, poor innocent cats, and probably our favorite friend of Dorothy, Layfayette, I could see how Bon Temps earned it's reputation.
As you recall, our Mr. Stackhouse has enjoyed more random snatch than anybody in Bon Temps. I'll venture to say that the sales of Monistat has gone up considerable since Jason got his first woodie. But there has been one nagging question that I just can't seem to shake. In episode 1 when he came into Merlotte's looking for Sookie he had just been enjoying a nice fish sandwich, sans tartar sauce, courtesy of Maudette. I just need to know that he washed his face. Or at least pulled out the Oral-B and Colgate before he started to rub all up against Dawn and play the old smoochy "you know you still want me" game. Cause girls, I can tell you this. There is nothing that I can think of that conveys the "I have been pining away for you something awful" message than to get up close and personal with a face smelling like 3 day old red snapper. Yeah, that'll melt the heart of even the toughest broad. Cause nuthin' says lovin' like muffin on the muggin.. Especially if it ain't yours. And I love that look Tara gives both of them. That one-eyebrow raised up. Carrie Bradshaw can do that. I've have tried, practiced and at one point convinced myself that I had nailed it. But when I put my newfound skill to work people asked me how old I was when I was diagnosed with Tourettes.
Jason, I expect if Sis wasn't still cruisin' on the Hillbillie Heroin Highway when you came to see her, she would have nailed your ass bigtime about your newfound calling. The poor girl already knows that a bag of grits would best you in an IQ contest, but she was just so happy to see you out of jail and that she wasn't laid out at funeral parlor awaiting her turn for that really bad make-up job that a lot of the conversation just sailed on over her head. I think that in a few days she's gonna be slinging gin and tonics at Merlotte's and a lightbulb will suddenly come on over her head and she's gonna say "hey, wait a minute..........that dumb little shit has joined WHAT??" But I have to admitt that I was tickled spitless when you two made up.
But Jason, something tells me that you don't really understand what that FOS bunch is all about. You just think they sell condos down by the gulf.
Jason, you seem to be the outdoors type. I predict that there's a big hunting trip in your future. It will involve a canoe, a lot of rapidly coursing water, a bow and arrow, some banjoe music and something about a pig. Enjoy.
Muthafudge. Yep, that's what I said. Where, oh where, was the money shot of Bill's ass? Sookie, girlfriend, we left you in charge and you dropped the ball. Actually, I don't think you ever had either ball in your hand to drop. So I'll say it again. Muthafudge.
Sookie, I know your face was all bruised and concussed up and all, but damn! Look what he had to go through in an attempt to save you. The worst, and I mean worst, sunburn evah! Bill, sweetie, I'm afraid we can ALL smell the sunlight on your skin. Sookie, if Bill's willing to go out in the sun and wind up looking like a Kingsford charcol brickette, the least you could have done was to kick it old school and show him how much you appreciated his sacrifice. For instance
1) get down, and I mean waaayyy down, on his johnson
2) throw him down on the stairs and fuck him like Helen of Troy with her ass on fire.
3) both of the above
Now I'm not implying that the tender kissyface scene wasn't sweet and just made me fall in love even more with Mr. Hotstuff. But damn, we need something to tide us over for the next 6 months. Some ass! Some fuckin'!
Movin' on. Sookie, I do declare. Where in the HELL are you getting all those Easter egg colored Keds. Hell, even my 82 year old mother stopped wearing them a while back cause they were just too damn ugly. What, do you still have a thing for Dirty Dancing? Or did you mama leave them to you in her will? Let's see, Jason gets the house and property and you get a lifetime supply of Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner pastel Keds. And who says life ain't fair!
And our Bill plays the piano! What that man can't do with those fingers, well, just doesn't need to be done. Yeah! Play that funky music white boy! I don't know about y'all, but I got a very definate Phantom Of The Opera feel with that piano playing. And that delicious smile of anticipation on his mug when the door opened! Much like I have when the pizza guy gets here. And then to realize who was actually at his door. Gee, if I remember, the last time those two came to call life suddenly took a turn for the worse. And guess what! It's about to happen again. Eric, it's a damn shame all of us don't have friends like you. You make getting hit by a bus an absolute thrill. And I do appreciate you dropping Britney Spears off at her daddy's house too. Bill, just a word to the wise. If she starts wearing a pink wig and speaking with a British accent, then I would suggest that you drop her AND Sookie off with Eric as you haul ass outta Dodge.
Eric and Bill. Those two. What are we gonna do with them? I'll see your two fangs and a hiss and I'll raise you two fangs and a hiss. Pam, I with ya there. I'm sure if you'd had a ruler handy you would have just told them to unzip, haul it out and let's get this over with. Men! Sheesh.........
I've got more to discuss later. There's just so much swirling in my head about this episode and I haven't had a chance to watch it again. Which is a good thing, or else this would turn into the mother of all long-assed posts.
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"Sookah is mine!"
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"I have Frescas"
" What are you"
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*Coming soon - Eric Northman, Sheriff of Area 5 Action Figure
Has anyone noticed the inordinate amount of times that Sookie's been almost choked? I swear, I've never heard of nor seen anyone who gets choked as much as her. Her windpipe must be the size of a pregnant woman's cankle. I see that choking must be the perfered method of homicide in Bon Temps, followed closely by tornadoes that don't skip and hop. I've purposely skipped gran's murder cause I just don't want to describe it. But I have noticed that there's never any bruising or handprints on her throat. She must have really great blood. Bill sure seems to like it. At last count there were 4 choking scenes, including the one after gran died. I'm still not convinced that it was a dream of Bill's. I just think Sookie was so fogged out from the valium (it will do that to you, take my word for it) that she just doesn't remember right now. I think she will later tho, when the final shit hits the final proverbial fan. I noticed, even before gran died, something unusual in the background leading up to this event. On the night that Bill visited with her and gran in their home, I noticed that when Jason came tearing up the driveway, spewing rocks and gravel and probably killing a squirrel or two, in his black Dodge Ram that there was a ladder just outside Sookie's window. I got the gut feeling that this was no accident, nor was it done for the sake of authentic scenery. Then, when gran's body was discovered and Bill saw that Sookie's screen had been cut, I knew my feeling was justified. And I certainly didn't see Andy or Bud up there checking out the slashed screen either, so I doubt the ladder got removed. Andy, Bud - I sure wish you two had worked the OJ Simpson murder investigation. He would be in the pokie right now being someone's bitch, as I speak. In all the activity of gran's visitation and funeral, I'm sure no one bother to remove the ladder either. So, I figure once Tara bum-rushed everyone out of the house and the killer knew that Bill was safely stowed away somewhere and was dead until dark, well there was the perfect opportunity to finished what he started.
The first choking scene was of course from the episode of "Mine". This is one of my favorite episodes, just below Escape From Dragon House. Girls, I don't mean to be critical of our heartthrob, but he's sometimes a tad slow on the uptake. Now I know he's faster than the speed of light, cause I've seen him haul ass up stairs faster than my mama can pop the chops of a sassy youngun, so what's the problem Bill? You recall when Malcom's little Daisy Duke wearing mad money, you remember- the HepD mule, looking like a porn star with that tan (what?no pink lipstick?) was putting the choke hold on Sookie. Smooth bodied Jerry can jump up from the sofa, attach his hands to Sookie's throat and start to choke the bejesus out of her so fast that her eyes are bugged out and I'm surprised the force of it doesn't close up that gap between her front teeth. He can even do a flashback to some Kenny Chesney lookin' dude named Marcus who's giving him the see-ya-wouldn't-wanna-be-ya. Finally Bill gets up and decides that "oh shit, this might be a sit-che-ashun" and flips Jerry to the divan. Yeah Bill, you with your super fine looking self, you might want to work on that reaction time. Especially since your ain true love seems to be in the crosshairs - or chokehold - an awful lot. And one more thing Sookie - you are, well, sometimes such a spaz. After the Dynamic Duo and Tattoo Man finally leave, Bill looks down at you with those smokin' hot lusty eyes as he's helping you to sit up. Now I'm thinking that you're really gonna rag on his ass with something like "gee whiz hot stuff, I'm certainly proud you finally took your thumb out your ass and decided to make yourself useful as well as ornamental and keep me from dying". But no, uh uh. Nope, not you. You first word is "what's Hep D"?
Next in the saga of Here Comes Sookie, Don't You Just Want To Throttle Her, we have Longshadow and his issues with money management. Now personally, I think Bill should have been so close up under Sookie while she was doing the telepathyathon that he could tell what color her naval lint was. I'm jes sayin'. If you're gonna announce on a daily basis "Suckie must be protected!!" , then fer Chrissakes, get yo super fine lookin' ass over there and protect! But where is he? Where most men would be. Hanging at the bar, exchanging Fuck You! - No, Fuck You! looks with Eric. Not paying much attention to the object of their affection while she's about to get choked. Again. Bill, if things don't work out with Sookie, I sure hope you don't decide to work for the Secret Service. Once again, I'm jes sayin'.
And last, but I feel sure not least, is Merlotte's. She should have known that he was gonna go for the gullet. What? Her knees don't work? I kept hollering out "damn Sookie, put your knee in his nuts!!" But no, she just frantically tries to pull away his hands. And does manage to get away, right into the arms of Rin Tin Tin. She's safe! But for how long..........................................................................
Since this was an earlier post, I am adding to it since the season is over and that age old question that kept us up at night has finally been resolved. No - not who the killer was, but whether or not Sookie was gonna do me proud and nail Bill's ass on the front porch. And Sookie, you failed your test for Queen of the HooHaws. Failed BIGTIME! But since the subject is Sookie's poor abused gullet, I will touch on that subject for a moment.
Yep, I knew it. Rene, you big poser, I just knew you weren't a real Cajun! You looked too much like a former boss of mine to be anything but a total creepy fucknut. And of course, you preferred method of killing off those annoying females who rather enjoyed getting vamp stamped was ..........wait for it.................wait...........CHOKING! I knew it! Sookie, I think when those Emmy's are handed out, your throat should top the list.
What a great episode! No, it wasn't the gonad burner of a few others, but all in all, it was outstanding. From the opening scenes (btw Bill, you have an absolute ass-kicking bathroom!). Do you shop at Bed Bath And Beyond? Classic neutral colors, just the right lighting, and scented candles for those romantic post-coital baths! I wonder what scent they are? I would guess something like Vanilla Bean and Brown Sugar. And maybe some sugar scrub for the tub. Hey! That rhymns! And I do like that big-ass shower. And a loofah ta boot! Just a nagging question here, why would you even need a loogah? If your skin cells don't renew themselves, then I wouldn't think you would be plagued with that itchy, ashy skin that those pesky humans are afflicted with and is sooooo appealing to the eye. Anyway, props to the bathroom.. I'll just bet you watch TLC all the time. That is when you're not busy popping cherries, improving you golf game and fighting those primal urges to suck the occassional femoral artery.
Now to the good stuff. Poor Sam, aka Snoop Dogg. I wonder if he greets Layfayette with the well know ghetto fist bump and greeting of "dawg". I know some posters are reaming him a new one over his actions, but come on gals. Don't you feel sorry for him? He gets nothing but rejection from all fronts. He has his faults, sure, but I suspect some of it springs from abandonment issues, rejection by those he wants to give his heart to, and constantly feeling like he has to hide who and what he is from everyone. The background scenes of his adopted family just abandoning him made me have a tear in my baby blues. I want to just hug him and offer a soft warm lap for him to crawl into. And maybe some snausages. And way to go there Sook! That's the way to be there for a good friend who was there for you when Gran rather rudely got sent over to the Land of Cloudless Day. Those sad puppy-dog eyes just begging to be loved by you or just anyone. Fer Chrissake! Just a clue-in here Sam, it ain't gonna be Tara. That girl's too fucked-up to know who or what she loves. No man, be he human, shape-shifter, or vamp is anywhere near ready for her jelly. Maybe someday she'll be a player in the game of love, but not now. If anyone needed space to figure out what part of the parrallel universe she wants to be in, well it's her. (Did anyone else get flashbacks of Carnivale's Sophia when Tara's child-self with those weird assed black eyes appeared?) Every prophet in her house. You listening Sook? Speaking of Sookie, there she is, acting like she's really interested in a crash course of Shapeshifter 101. Then when Sam opens up to her and only wants assurance and acceptance, what does she do? She flies into a PMS freak-out! To invoke a few lines from a previous episode from Dawn, with the beautiful voice of parrakeets and angels, "you need to get off your high horse". And let's don't forget "you're a mean, nasty bitch." Yes Tara, she can be that at times.
Poor Eddie. I was sure hoping that he would make it back to his nice home where Eternal Flame and Heroes were waiting for him. What a crazy bitch! That's what you get Jason for letting you dick occupy what a medula oblongota should. You can sure pick 'em! You only think you're in some shit with the Hewie and Lewie, aka known as Bon Temps crackerjack law enforcement. Just wait until Eric gets a whiff of your Baby Jane channeling, vampire staking girlfriend. Jason, you would have been much better off taking care of Mr. Limpdick the regular way. Like...say....waiting a full hour before trying to get Mr. Spunky to come to attention again. You really, really didn't need the vamp juice. 'Jes sayin'. Boy, you are in a mess 'o trouble. Word.
And I have to make mention of Jason's personal grooming scene. yes, he has nice hair. Actually, he has GREAT hair. If I were Mr. Moyer, I think when I got my hair done for the next season I would pull a When Harry Met Sally on the stylist. I would point to Jason's stylist and say "I want what he's having". Mr. Moyer, there's just too much Dippidty in your Do these days.
My poor, poor tortured Bill. "Just when I thought I was out - they pull me back in!" And Eric - WTF? You didn't exactly step in there until Bill practically begged you for help. You really left Bill's cheese to twist in the wind, didn't ya? You must really, really want Sookie. Probably not as much as Pam does. But still, you should at least have thrown yo nigga a bone and not made him beg! And I got the feeling that Eric - and especially Pam - wished they were the ones doing the turning. Eric looked like he was turned on, big time. I think I would describe it as half pity for Bill and the girl, and half woodie. Well, maybe more than half. Next week's episode should be interesting indeed.
Since I know who the killer is, I just won't make any comments about what happened during the party. Except to tell Tara to ditch that damn dress at the first opportunity. Or at least give it to LaFayette. I think it would look quite fetching on that Senator. And did you borrow that horrid blue eye shadow from him? If so, then don't never do it again. You made me wish I was the one gettin' drunk just looking at that shit. You look much better in those low-rise Chuck Taylor's, skinny jeans, and Family Dollar tees.
And Sookie! She made me wish Malcom was still alive and sucking, just to hear him announce "well, looks who's here. Everyone's favorite buzz kill". She's certainly the one to invite to your party if you want everyone to leave by 9:00 and have a real suck-ass time. Hey girl, I know you're missing yo man big time. You've been taking those B12's like a good little fangbanger, prolly stocked up on those Herbal Massengil's and even gotten all the acorns and twigs out of your cooter, but DAMN! At least ACT like you're having fun. I know Arlene is the poster child for intolerant attitudes and bigotry and all, but she is your friend. And you for sure don't have a lot of then to spare. So cheer the fuck up and put on a happy face. Even if it is false. Arlene's too dumb to notice.
More thoughts later. I know y'all just cannot wait.