Sunday, November 30, 2008
I'M ALL CHOKED UP
Has anyone noticed the inordinate amount of times that Sookie's been almost choked? I swear, I've never heard of nor seen anyone who gets choked as much as her. Her windpipe must be the size of a pregnant woman's cankle. I see that choking must be the perfered method of homicide in Bon Temps, followed closely by tornadoes that don't skip and hop. I've purposely skipped gran's murder cause I just don't want to describe it. But I have noticed that there's never any bruising or handprints on her throat. She must have really great blood. Bill sure seems to like it. At last count there were 4 choking scenes, including the one after gran died. I'm still not convinced that it was a dream of Bill's. I just think Sookie was so fogged out from the valium (it will do that to you, take my word for it) that she just doesn't remember right now. I think she will later tho, when the final shit hits the final proverbial fan. I noticed, even before gran died, something unusual in the background leading up to this event. On the night that Bill visited with her and gran in their home, I noticed that when Jason came tearing up the driveway, spewing rocks and gravel and probably killing a squirrel or two, in his black Dodge Ram that there was a ladder just outside Sookie's window. I got the gut feeling that this was no accident, nor was it done for the sake of authentic scenery. Then, when gran's body was discovered and Bill saw that Sookie's screen had been cut, I knew my feeling was justified. And I certainly didn't see Andy or Bud up there checking out the slashed screen either, so I doubt the ladder got removed. Andy, Bud - I sure wish you two had worked the OJ Simpson murder investigation. He would be in the pokie right now being someone's bitch, as I speak. In all the activity of gran's visitation and funeral, I'm sure no one bother to remove the ladder either. So, I figure once Tara bum-rushed everyone out of the house and the killer knew that Bill was safely stowed away somewhere and was dead until dark, well there was the perfect opportunity to finished what he started.
The first choking scene was of course from the episode of "Mine". This is one of my favorite episodes, just below Escape From Dragon House. Girls, I don't mean to be critical of our heartthrob, but he's sometimes a tad slow on the uptake. Now I know he's faster than the speed of light, cause I've seen him haul ass up stairs faster than my mama can pop the chops of a sassy youngun, so what's the problem Bill? You recall when Malcom's little Daisy Duke wearing mad money, you remember- the HepD mule, looking like a porn star with that tan (what?no pink lipstick?) was putting the choke hold on Sookie. Smooth bodied Jerry can jump up from the sofa, attach his hands to Sookie's throat and start to choke the bejesus out of her so fast that her eyes are bugged out and I'm surprised the force of it doesn't close up that gap between her front teeth. He can even do a flashback to some Kenny Chesney lookin' dude named Marcus who's giving him the see-ya-wouldn't-wanna-be-ya. Finally Bill gets up and decides that "oh shit, this might be a sit-che-ashun" and flips Jerry to the divan. Yeah Bill, you with your super fine looking self, you might want to work on that reaction time. Especially since your ain true love seems to be in the crosshairs - or chokehold - an awful lot. And one more thing Sookie - you are, well, sometimes such a spaz. After the Dynamic Duo and Tattoo Man finally leave, Bill looks down at you with those smokin' hot lusty eyes as he's helping you to sit up. Now I'm thinking that you're really gonna rag on his ass with something like "gee whiz hot stuff, I'm certainly proud you finally took your thumb out your ass and decided to make yourself useful as well as ornamental and keep me from dying". But no, uh uh. Nope, not you. You first word is "what's Hep D"?
Next in the saga of Here Comes Sookie, Don't You Just Want To Throttle Her, we have Longshadow and his issues with money management. Now personally, I think Bill should have been so close up under Sookie while she was doing the telepathyathon that he could tell what color her naval lint was. I'm jes sayin'. If you're gonna announce on a daily basis "Suckie must be protected!!" , then fer Chrissakes, get yo super fine lookin' ass over there and protect! But where is he? Where most men would be. Hanging at the bar, exchanging Fuck You! - No, Fuck You! looks with Eric. Not paying much attention to the object of their affection while she's about to get choked. Again. Bill, if things don't work out with Sookie, I sure hope you don't decide to work for the Secret Service. Once again, I'm jes sayin'.
And last, but I feel sure not least, is Merlotte's. She should have known that he was gonna go for the gullet. What? Her knees don't work? I kept hollering out "damn Sookie, put your knee in his nuts!!" But no, she just frantically tries to pull away his hands. And does manage to get away, right into the arms of Rin Tin Tin. She's safe! But for how long..........................................................................
Since this was an earlier post, I am adding to it since the season is over and that age old question that kept us up at night has finally been resolved. No - not who the killer was, but whether or not Sookie was gonna do me proud and nail Bill's ass on the front porch. And Sookie, you failed your test for Queen of the HooHaws. Failed BIGTIME! But since the subject is Sookie's poor abused gullet, I will touch on that subject for a moment.
Yep, I knew it. Rene, you big poser, I just knew you weren't a real Cajun! You looked too much like a former boss of mine to be anything but a total creepy fucknut. And of course, you preferred method of killing off those annoying females who rather enjoyed getting vamp stamped was ..........wait for it.................wait...........CHOKING! I knew it! Sookie, I think when those Emmy's are handed out, your throat should top the list.