Monday, December 1, 2008
TARA - THAT PIG AIN'T ARNOLD ZIFFEL
Tara, Tara, Tara. Alright, alright, alrighta! You've certainly improved your digs ain't ya? Just one little question tho, my funny, angry black feminist. I know that bed looked extremely comfy and all, but did it not bother you that there was a HUGE painting of a white woman with her ass hanging over your head when you woke up? I know it would creep the fuck outta me. Jes' askin'. Inquiring minds, and all. And what is it exactly with white people and lots of fruit? I guess as expensive as fruit is nowadays, that's the new Cristal. Cost as much anyhow. Also Tara, you said you didn't know if your mama was mean or just plain stupid for naming you after a plantation. What about your newfound Satan in a Sunday hat? He calls himself after a high-tone breakfast dish eaten by rich white people and I just know that two weeks ago that would have chaffed your crack to hell and back. Again, jes' askin'. And for heaven't sake Tara, don't let your mama catch sight of your new buddy's pet hog. Can you imagine the shitload of hoecakes that Lettie Mae could make with all that bacon grease?
Maryanne - aka the human vibrator, I know you are gonna turn out to be the evilest bitch this side of Alexis Collins, but I have to say that if I were to ever get invited to a big old orgy, I could only hope you would be there. The way you vibrate I'll bet everybody there would be fighting like cats in heat to sit in your lap. You should even charge for it. On second thought, maybe You DO charge for it and that's how you can afford all that fruit. I swear, the way you rattle and hum would make even the stubbornest hoo haw think it had found Jesus. And Sam - I don't want to make you need to get any hipper to her shit that your already are, but the pig lady has got a massive hard-on for you. And I don't mean in a carnal way. Hopefully not anyhow. Cause MAN I think that would hurt big time. You'd be one crooked running little dog for a week or two. But it does appear that the two of you have somesort of a "past" together. And she doesn't seem the type to be down with the bygones thing.
Aren't Terry and Arlene looking cuter and cuter together? I swear, I wish I could just once hear a man tell me that my hair makes him think of sunset after a bomb exploded. Actually, I think I HAVE had a man tell me that my hair looked like a bomb exploded IN IT. But I guess that's not quite the same thing. I think I told him that he shoulda seen it before I combed it. Personally, I think Terry should just man up and go for it. Yeah Terry, just think like you're Moses, pick up your rod and part that red sea! Who knows, you just might get to fondle a clavicle or two.
I know I haven't mentioned Jason, Layfayette and a few others yet. But I'll save them for later. I'm still pissed about Layfayette.