Monday, December 1, 2008
DIANE , DOES ELVIS KNOW HIS GOLD LAME IS MISSING?
Episode 3, Mine. I just love this episode. Why? I dunno, I just do. I think mainly because it has so many things happening all during the show. And we hadn't yet been subjected to Jason and his fuckee-doodled v-juice trips. Damn, I hated those things! And also because it was the first time we really got a good look at the inside of Bill's house. Seriously Dude, I say dis wid all due respect - you ever hear of a little show on TLC called Curb Appeal? You need to score a satellite dish or may a comcast hook-up. Or even better, you and Eric could do one of those Trading Spaces things. I do realize that you've spent a whole lot of time and money fixin' up that kick ass bathroom you have, but damn! Your downstairs looks like massive epidemic of small pox blew through Bon Temps and landed right smack-kadab on your parlor walls! And I say dis wid all due respect.
Now I know it's very, very important to have that big ole comfy bathtub so that your lady love will have a place to soak her sore cooter after you have finished de-flowering her. And let's don't forget abut Eric. He's your befri and where else is he gonna do a B & E and then stretch his fine, long-legged self out if not in your massive tub? You do have a way of looking out for your homeboys. And Eric just has so much damn fun humilating you while chillaxing there too. Oooh, and let's not forget about your new income tax deduction! She's never gonna come out of the bathroom now. Daddy, can I borrow the car?
But about those friends of yours...............we need to discuss that. Yeah, yeah, I know they are all G.O.N.E. But we can still discuss them and hopefully you'll see the error of your ways. They seemed to be a tad - how shall I saw this - common. Yeah, that's the word. Especially that Liam! I have to side with Jason on him. He's one freaky looking dude. I haven't seen anyone that fuckin' freaky looking since Pee Wee Herman. I remember when Jason was watching that video with Maudette. Liam starts going all Michael Phelpsish with his back and neck and shit. On the freak scale of 1 to 10, he's about a 16.
Diane, where DID you score that dress? I haven't seen that much gold lame on one person since Elvis in Loving You. Although you look remarkably like a young lady who works down the road around here at the Dollar General, I get the feeling that you weren't very nice even when you were a breather. Actually, you're still a breather, cause your chest sure was aheavin' when you were hanging out the door acting all assholish when the Sook showed up. You might want to work on that. Skank.
Malcom, you just make me want to do the Disco Duck. Yeah, don't be a cluck. WHEREVER did you get those clothes? Did you raid the wardrobe vault from Welcome Back Kotter? But you do pull off the look admirably. I don't think anyone else could wear those double knitwit pants and polyester shirt with the style and grace that you do. And I don't think anyone really wants to. You are a man among men. I can only hope and pray that you weren't wear those gold chains when you got the Eternal Flame. It would be such a shame to deprive the rest of the world of such treasures.
Sookie, you shouldn't have been so mean to Bill. It wasn't his fault that his frat party got a little out of hand. If you can't hang, then you can't hang! Now maybe things did get a little intense there a time or two, what with Diane and Liam about to dive in for a little summin summin, and you having to watch The Heroin Queen polish a pork sword. Then there's Bill just smackin' his lips and about to grease down on the Jerry. And let's don't forget about YOU WERE ALMOST CHOKED. No, we musn't forget about that. But that's no reason to get all Leona Helmsley on poor Bill. Cause that's the way a vamp rolls! And what do you mean, you couldn't stand to kiss Bill after them? Honey, I expect I would wade through a 50 acre field of pig shit for a kiss from Bill. Really,you need to get over yourself.
Then you show up at his house the next day IN THE DAYLIGHT, peeking all through his windows and just being downright nosy as hell. And I do believe that was you stretched out on his front doorsteps, giving old sassy lassie a good rub down. Yep, there's no better way to get the attention of a man than to be sprawled out on his front steps while causing your vision to go bad. At least that's what my mama told me would happen.
Gotta go. I need to go get some new glasses.