Saturday, December 13, 2008
CHAIN OF FOOLS
How did you do it Bill? HowEVER did you manage to restrain yourself? Men with less self control would have been all over Denise Rattray like Marines on a whore. Yes Bill, you little rascal you, just because you're a vampire doesn't mean you ain't a fuckin' gentleman. Cause gentlemen, even vampire gentlemen, know that it ain't polite to make smelly on the belly with another man's wife.
From the time she whirled her classy snout around to say "well hel-lo" I could see the barely contained lust in your eyes. I just know you would have given at least 60 years off your life if Mack had ordered something that DID give him a good case of the runs so you could be alone with that enchanting creature for just a few precious minutes. You know, cop a feel or two under the table. Maybe snag a run in those PANTYHOSE fer chrissake. I just HATE when women wear pantyhose with those damn happy pants (cause your ass looks like it's smiling from cheek to cheek). Oh you poor man, what agony you must have suffered in denying yourself the want - no, the need - to ask her to take out her clip. We all know what a major jones you have for the hair. She's somewhat like the Creature From The Black Lagoon. I'm not saying that she was FROM the Black Lagoon, I'm saying that what's between her thighs IS the Black Lagoon. I expect it would make a monster of most any poor sap that cared to sojourn there. That's probably what happend to Mack. He might have been as nice as Hoyt until she popped a cap in his noggin with her snatch.
Mack, I heard through the grapevine that the house specialty - the potted meat - is pretty much guaranteed to give a guy a good case of the trots as everyone knows potted meat is just chock full of chopped up peckers, among other more mysterious ingredients that I can't even force myself to think about. And if you ask politely I hear Layfayette will even serve it on toast points with chopped egg. Cause after all it is the redneck caviar. Can't nobody say we southerners don't have class! And I just love your ring! WHEREVER did you get it? Tiffany's? Jacob the Jeweler? Cartier? Well, wherever it was, I do hope the designer got a bonus, cause it was something to behold. A real jawbreaker - I mean jawdropper. I do hope Bill had enough forethought to snag it and keep it for just that special someone before he threw that aluminum home sweet home on top of you. No, not the Sook. Cause we all know what a big fuckin' mouth that girl has. Wouldn't take her but one person commenting on how "unique" that ring was before she would riv it up for a long one and regale that poor sucker with all the details of where it came from and how she happened to acquire it.
And Mack (btw, did you all know this actor is the son of Michal J. Parks?) how did you like your necklace that Miss Sookie Stackhouse, waitress from Bon Temps gave you? Took your breath away, didn't it? It was indeed a Chain of Fools.
I wonder if the guy who owned the truck where Sookie found that chain ever missed it?