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Wednesday, December 3, 2008


Escape From Dragon House is fantastic! Of all 12 episodes, this one is my favorite. For me, this is the episode that let's us begin to see a more interesting, colorful side of the vampire world. And we were introduced to Eric and Pam. Those two! I just love 'em!

This episode begins with, of course, Miss I-Can-Scream-So-Loud-That-Every-Dog-In-Renard-Parish-Headed-For-The-Bayou - discovering poor, pretty Dawn's body. And why in the H E Double Hockeysticks do people like to congregate outside a crime scene like it's high fuckin' entertainment? I've never understood that. Yeah Arlene, you're one classy broad alright. You've got a serial killer who's sharing your bed and who is so considerate of others that he goes inside for some cool refreshments - and don't forget those fuckin' paper doilies - so everyone will be as comfortable as possible while watching the coroner remove the body of the latest girl he strangled. Gee whiz Rene, where were you when I was looking for that special someone? Oh please tell me that you've got a brother! And that damn Maxine Fortenberry. Why couldn't you have strangled HER while you were at it? Cat on a hot tin roof, my big old ass! Maxine, I'm glad you FEEL like a cat on a hot tin roof cause quite frankly you LOOK like a waterbuffalo on a tarmac. Now I will admit before laypeople that I could stand to shed a pound or three, and truthfully I could probably rent my backside out for a billboard. Also, I don't like for folks to say disparaging things about those that are somewhat chunky. Pisses me off in fact. But for Maxine Fortenberry I will make an exception.

And my crazy heart just melted all over itself when Sam leaned over and kissed Sookie on the top of her head. I swear, if Bill wasn't in the picture I would drive over to Bon Temps and slap some sense into Sookie until she started to love Sam like he loves her. He's just so damn sweet. I know he can get a tad protective and whiney, but he'd really make some gal a great husband. And he can guard the house at night too.

Little did I know that when Jason ingested that vial of v-juice just what torment we would all be subjected to in coming episodes. I sure do wish he had dropped that vial and spilled it all on the floormats. We could have had much more Bill time. But that whole eggplant thing was immensely funny. I do have a very lowbrow sense of humor at times, and I am a tad on the common side if the situation calls for it. And that whole "acute case of priapism" thing was some funny shit. Especially when Tara said that she wasn't ever gonna be the same after watching that doc drain Jason's johnson. Seems like I heard that before. I think it was on my wedding night. And it wasn't me who said it.

Now to the best part. Fangtasia! From the ride over in Bill's fine, fine shaggin' wagon, to his smolderingly hot eye raping of Sookie in that dress (wouldn't we all just KILL to look like that in a titty-pushing dress?) and Sookie's first meeting with Eric and Pam, it was just divine! I've got a gut feeling that Bill might have some "issues" with Eric. Just a hunch on my part. Actually I get the feeling that at some point in time Eric has treated Bill to a big ole Steve Erkel style butt wedgie and His Royal Hotness is still a mite worked up over it.  And I thought the ole hairy eyeball look he was casting Eric's way was the self-same look an ex-husband would give to the bitch who not only took everything he had in the divorce settlement, but left him a scorching case of herpes for good measure. And then to top it off, he has to go trotting over to bow and act like they're asshole buddies when His Majesty gives a flick of those 20 inch fingers. And didn't you just LOVE the way Eric did that little shiver when he said "mainstreaming"! He sorta looked like someone snuck up behind him and slid an ice cube up his hidey hole. Yeah, I'd say Bill would give up about a hundred years of his life if he could tell Eric to go fuck himself. Morn' once.

What about Taryn and those fangs! On all the other vamps I've seen so far, the fangs looks realistic. Yeah, like I really KNOW how a vampire's fangs should look. But I just thought Taryn's were a tad on the long side. Like maybe they ran out of enough fangs for the extras and somebody found some leftover wooly mammoth teeth in a prop closet from Clan Of The Cavebear. Can you tell I'm one of those people who abides by the strict rule of "if you can't say something critical about someone, then keep your damn mouth shut?"

And who knew vampires rode Hover Boards! I certainly didn't. At least, that's what it looked like to me when they all were looking like a bunch of Israelites fleeing Egypt. Eric, does Marty McFly know you broke into his house and snagged his Hover Board? And another thing, I was wondering about that police raid. Now if the law enforcement in Shreveport was no better than in Bon Temps, how on earth would they go about arresting any vampires at Fangtasia? Cause quite frankly, Bud and Andy couldn't pull off raiding a treehouse full of 8 year olds who'd been stealing cookies out of the cookie jar. Then I read in Dead Until Dark about the raid at Fangtasia. The cops had a special paddy wagon outfitted with silver bars and silver lining inside it. And the cops were actually vampires themselves! Boy, I'll bet they're real popular at a tribunal.

"I like your gun. Can I hold it?" No, that wasn't Bill. That's what Sookie was thinking when she asked Bill to stop for a minute. Yeah, sure. She just needed things to stop, my foot. She was planning on nailing Bill and his fine, fine shootin' instrument until that fucknut of a cop showed up and ruined it all. Bad cop *slap, slap*.


Tiyen said...

I love me a half-naked Bill myself but if he were to wear a shirt; it's gotta be the heyleys.

ABNegative said...

I hear ya sista!