Well, I've come to the conclusion that this episode is all about......crazy. And nothing or nobody is more crazy than Tara's very own Sir Wacko-A-Lot, as he's got her hog-tied to one of Talbot's prized antique chairs that probably held the ass of Lucretia Borgia or something. But whomever's ass it once held, it's obvious to Talbot and his highly sensitive snoot meter that Tara and Franklin are just completely wrong for his decor. As he and Franklin snarl and throw fangs at each other and just have a pissing contest in general, in through the doors come The Three Amigos, still chortling and black-slapping each other like they've just completed the back nine at Pebble Beach while Lorena twirls the bloodied, sequined top of that poor ravaged girl. Maybe she’s gonna learn to pole dance and strip in an effort to entice her beloved William back into her cooter where she so clearly thinks he belongs. Screechhhhh......needle off the record time. Bill is suddenly as silent as a dog's fart and looks completely gobsmacked as he rounds the corner and catches sight of Tara. All eyes are on Bill as Tara demands to know "what's wrong witchew" as his face closes up tighter than a hawk's ass in a nosedive as he turns away and refuses her plea for help.
I guess I have a confession here. I am all into Frankllin Mott. I don’t know if it’s the way he totally rocks those scruffy, pointy toed cowboy boots or the way the fucked-up crazy just rolls off him like gas from an egg sucking dog, but he’s quickly become my next to favorite vampire (Pam is still No. 1) When he shows up, ya just know he’s gonna be bringing the crazy/funny and you’ll be laughing so hard it could bring tears to a glass eye. Case in point: which other vampire’s only line of defense against being reprimanded for not only dragging around another girl and possibly leaving another mess for King Russell to clean up, and doing in a group of elderly church ladies at the casino’s in Biloxi (these had to be Catholic church ladies, cause Baptist church ladies certainly wouldn’t be caught dead - or maybe they would – in a gambling den of iniquity ) is “they wouldn’t let me have a turn!” No vampire I can think of. But I don’t think Tara shares my infatuation with this sprayed roach crazy huge freak though. Most of the time when he’s around her Tara looks so damn terrified and uptight that you couldn’t shove a greased BB up her ass. But ole King Russ likes him! Or rather, likes his work. He’s mega impressed with the collection of information about this strange girl with the magic nookie that seems to have half of Louisiana’s vampires under her spell. And he just grins like it’s nickel night at the whore house and he just scored a whole roll of them suckers when he hears that the one and only Sookie Stackhouse is in Jackson. But alas, things are starting to look a bit bad for our pretty boy Bill. As Gomer the Pyle would say “what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.” As Russell begins to grill Bill (a little nod to season one) about the folder of Very Incriminating Shit that Franklin found at his home, Bill tries, not to convincingly might I add, to deny and evade the issue in the vain hope of having the king as confused as a blind dog running around in a meat house. Nope. He’s not buying it Bill.
Sookie’s not having a much better night, what with Mississippi potholes trying to kill her and having to deal with Alcide’s meltdown over the sight of his former sweetpea getting gang raped and branded at the local wolf’s den. Poor Alcide. He’s still completely crunk over Debbie and he’s just a pitiful sight as he sadly tries to explain to Sookie about the way Debbie Pelt use to be before the vamp blood turned her into a raving lunatic. Which she demonstrates to Sookie when she pays Alcide a surprise visit in order to tell him that he’d better keep his yap muzzled about what went on at Lou Pines if he wants to keep wagging his tail another day. Sookie hears all the commotion and comes wandering out of the bedroom right into a shitstorm of crazy. Debbie is all but foaming at the mouth like she’s got rabies or something when she catches sight of Sookie. That Debbie, she’s just the kind of gal you would want to take home to mama. Too bad she doesn’t have a twin. She has that crazed addict’s quiver going on so much that I do hope she remembered to order fries with that shake. And I do believe Debbie has taken the skimpy clothes crown away from our Bon Temps waitress. To tell ya the truth, she don’t hardly wear enough clothes to flag a handcar. I don’t know about tightness though. I think Sookie might have her on that one. Sometimes the only way those britches Sookie wears ain’t too tight is if she got gunshot in the ass and she’s trying to stop the bleeding. Anyhow, later that day, after Sookie and Alcide recover from their visit from Twitch the Bitch, Alcide just throws a fit over Sookie catching a ride on his brain waves and her demanding to know what all this packmaster shit is about. Alcide, don’t you remember what I told you several recaps ago? That Sookie, she might not get you killed, but she will get you into more hot water than a limp dicked rooster headed for the dumplin’ pot.
Well, look who’s come a calling! It’s Eric and he’s none too pleased about being double armed and bum rushed into King Russell’s house, but Talbot sure seems happy as he gets all sprung when he sees what’s standing there. It’s dick on the hoof, and lots of it. Eric waste little time with small talk as he immediately starts in to running his yap about looking for a missing vampire from his territory who’s suspected of selling V. Russell already knows Eric’s full of shit and is shooting lies from his ass with the rapid fire speed of a politician the day before election so he totally sets Eric up as Bill walks into the room and pretty much informs Eric that he’s a lying sack of shit. Russell and Talbot make some snide comment about how Eric and Bill must be stupid for arguing over a human and ignoring THEM, but when it comes to the magic nookie I guess all bets are off. I’m sure when Eric hears Bill announce that “Sookie is no longer mine” he probably springs wood the size of Butterball turkey and his eyes glazed over. Finally Eric shakes the dream of Sookie’s cooter from his head and gets to the most important bidness at hand He tells the king about that evil cocksucker the Magister who’s holding Pam hostage because of the V selling and he’s gonna kill her unless Eric produces a sacrifical goat in the form of Bill Compton. Personally, I think the Magister just needs to take his mean ass on back to Juniper Creek and get busy harvesting and fertilizing those eggs of one of his daughter’s so he can impregnate his ex-wife.
Russell has Other Major Shit going on right now and really doesn’t have time for dealing with guests, but Talbot is more than happy to take over and show him “everything”. In no time at all he’s showing Eric some rare Japanese erotica. Subtle much Talbot? Eric is laughing and acting all sexy and flirty with Talbot, who probably thinks that before the night is over he might be Rump Rangering all over that tall drink of blood as Eric is eyeballing all the rare collectibles and treasures that Russell and Talbot have accumulated over centuries when his eye is drawn to a display of crowns. Eric recognizes one of them as he reaches inside a glass case and picks it up. We have another Long Time Ago flashback to Eric’s days as a human. A freshly fucked Eric, still basking in his post coital afterglow and dressed up in viking garb comes strolling into the dining hall holding the stiffest, most wooden looking baby I’ve ever seen. It’s his sister. Now I know it’s kinda hard to make use of a real human baby on this show, but come on folks. This kid looks like she’s made of a piece of fat lighter stump stovewood that somebody hastily rounded off one end to resemble a head and stuck a few wispy baby looking hairs on it. But having a stiff looking baby sister is the least of Eric’s problems as his father, who appears to be a king of some sorts, lights into him about being a total slacker who’s only ambition in life is chasing tail. Eric doesn’t exactly appear like he’s taking this ass reaming to heart as he just shrugs and gives his daddy the ole “so the fuck what?” look before he gets up and heads on back into the goat room or whatever it is and starts pounding the milk maid like he’s shoeing a horse. If ever there was an occasion where pussy saved a man’s life, well this would be it as all hell breaks loose in the dining hall. Eric rushes back only to find his mother and baby sister lying dead in a pool of blood as several vicious wolves are milling about. Eric draws his sword and goes after the one who’s making tracks to the door with his father’s crown in his mouth as some dark, hooded figure tells him to chill the fuck out and not try to be a hero. Poor Eric can only run back and listen to the dying words of his father as Eric vows to get vengence.
While all this is going on with Talbot and Eric, upstairs in one of the bedrooms crazy ole Franklin has Tara all decked out in a pristine granny looking white gown as she is tied up to all four corners of the bed by drapery cords. Uh oh, Talbot is really, REALLY gonna throw a fit over that. You two crazy kids had better be careful and not get any blood on them. Anyhow, poor Tara is really doing her best to act like she’s just really down with all this crazy and is trying to keep Franklin on the happy side of psychopath. Awe, come on Tara. Don’t be harshing Franklin’s buzz! He just wants to impress you with his texting skills. Franklin, you are fast. I’ll give you that. But I’m still not sure if you’re faster than my grandaughter. Really. I’m not kidding. But soon all good vampires have to retire for the day, so Tara just bides her time until she’s sure the house is so quiet that not only can she hear a cat piss on a piece of cotton, she can also hear a tadpole fart from under a bridge before she quickly makes her way out the front door and hauls ass across the front lawn. Damn, that kid can really hoof it! But apparantely not fast enough as she’s chased down by Coot the Wolfman. I cannot even begin to imagine what she must think when she sees that wolf turn into a naked man. I’d say that conjours up an ass pucker factor of at least ten. It sure would for me. Franklin is, understandably, all bent out of whack over the love of his life with the electric attraction trying to escape. He squalls big old bloody crocodile tears and sounds like a pineknot going through a buzzsaw as he wails out “why Tara, why? You don’t know how much you’ve hurt me.” Yeah Tara, you’d better come up with something quick as this little escapade of yours went over about as well as a pregnant pole vaulter. But our Tara, ever the quick thinker, blurts out that she tried to run away because she’s scared of all those other vampires. Tsk, tsk Tara, you just have no faith in your man. If there was anyone I’d trust my life and well-being to it would be this whack job. Later that day Franklin comes into the dining room and wants to know why she crying AGAIN, just tell him who’s upset her. Now ya’ll, I’d be a mite upset too. Nothing gets me squalling faster than not getting my three squares of vittles, and there’s no telling how long Tara’s been on starvation highway. I expect she’s so hungry that her stomach had rubbed a blister on her backbone and she could eat a rag off a sore toe. But not daylillies. She can’t eat daylillies. Have you ever tried them Tara? I’ve always heard that enough mayonnaise will make anything edible. But no matter, as Franklin pulls out the piece de resistance. The promise of a trip to Shoney’s in Vicksburg AND a marriage proposal. And said all the good ones are already married?
Meanwhile, back in Bon Temps we have Sam and the whole drama with mama ‘n ‘ them. He’s decided to give them a place to hang Joe Lee’s piss yellowed skivies as Joe Lee and Tommy are hard at work throwing big trash bags and glaring with all the “FUCK YOU, NO! FUCK YOU” looks of a father and son who obviously have a great bond between them. Not. Soon Terry Bellefluer shows up, all but pissing himself with excitement because he’s gonna move in and play house with Arlene. I think we need to check back with him in a few months and see if he’s still this excited. Flower wilting morning breath from a pregnant woman who has just hurled will tend to snuff the excitement out of anyone, even Terry. Anyhow, Sam gives Tommy a job at Merlotte’s where in no time at all Lafayette has Tommy outside explaining all the fine points of different blunts when Jesus shows up. Lafayette is convinced that his crazy ole mama has died, but it seems that Jesus just wants to tape his ass.
Night shift at Merlottes is one busy muthafucker. Arlene is still throwing hissyfits over being overworked, she’s terrified of looking Jessica in the eye, Jessica is all upset from seeing Hoyt with some other chick and is fuckin’ with Arlene about tips and Joe Lee is screaming at Tommy over the phone. Sounds like my house on Saturday night. Anyhow, later Tommy and Sam are piled up on the sofa at Sam’s place discussing the varieties of cat calls when Joe Lee shows up throwing another example of a sprayed roach fit. Sam is all like “wtf?” as he’s trying to figure out why Joe Lee is so off the chain. Tommy’s not saying, but Sam knows it’s some Very Bad Shit. Anyhow, thankfully he throws Joe Lee out on his itchy, drunk ass as he give Tommy the ole stinkeye and demands to know what’s going on. “Nuttin” says Tommy.
There’s some more stuff going on with Jason, the sheriff’s department and chasing Crystal Norris. But quite frankly I don’t even care, and I don’t think you do either. So I’m just skipping that cause this thing has grown longer than Franklin’s fangs.
Upstairs at King Russell’s, Bill is flopped out on the bed as he tries to figure out how he went from being the most favoritest vampire at the mansion to thinking that he probably couldn’t even pay anyone to piss down his throat if his guts were on fire when dumb ole Coot comes busting through the door. He immediately earns a loud hoot from me as he hollers out “kinda edgy ain’t you batboy” as Bill flies into the air in attack mode. Classic. Anyhow, Coot just never knows when to keep his yap shut as he starts to goad Bill about his little piece of Bon Temps country ass. Bill just completely nuts up and gives Coot what for, along with those beefy burly guards and manages to get his ass out of there. In the process he completely destroys that special bed that Talbot had such a hard on over and I got the feeling that’s not gonna win Bill any extra points. But Bill’s all about finding Sookie now, and find her he does. Sookie hears Alcide call her and she walks into the room to see Bill standing there in all his hotness. She runs into his arms and I swear I don’t know how she stopped herself from dry humping him right then and there, but no matter because King Russell and his ever loyal band of lupine idiots come in the door and captures Sookie, but not before she shows them she’s got magical skills of her own as the ole lightening bolt shoots from her hand again as King Russell throws back his noggin and crows “FANTASTIC!”