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Tuesday, July 6, 2010


There's nothing like the vision of a bullet, slo-moing across a room to make you look hard and take notice that Bad Shit is about to happen. There's a mad, crazy wolf loose in her house, so Sookie aka The Pistol Packin' Mama fires off a round at this crazed were dude that we are later to learn is named , of all things, Johnson. *Snort* Listen Mr. Were, you ain't the first Johnson to make an appearance in this show or even in this muddied up, maenad decorated ole house.   I'm 'jes sayin'. Anyhow, because Eric wants to keep this creep alive so he can figure out who sent him (lots and lots of yelling of "who sent you" will ensue, trust me on this one) he decides to dive in front of the bullet. Hey, there's always the chance that Sookie will fall for the old bullet needs sucking out routine again! Anyhow, as soon as the odor of vamp blood wafts through the room, the were, in a spasm of an addict's delight, immediately shifts back into his human form and heads for Eric's chest. After bitch slapping this fool, Eric finally loses his shit (there seems to be a whole lot of that going on) as he recognizes the mark on the were's neck and just rips into this tallywanker like he's an Egg McMuffin. Which causes Sookie to get that "WTF" look on her face and give a big old gulp. Luckily, there's a fresh grave in the cemetery (it's all kind of convenient when you live right next to a cemetery) so they just throw the dude in on top of whomever had the misfortune to be taking a dirt nap. I know the family of the dead person will appreciate that. I just hope Eric didn't bury the fool face down so the rest of the world could kiss his ass. As Eric explains to Sookie that it's a well used vampire trick to double dip a fresh grave , I couldn't help but think that this sort of valuable vampire information should have been explained to poor Jessica. She could have gotten rid of that body days ago! Nobody ever tells  that poor kid a damn thing useful! She's been all but ignored and left to figure out shit as best she can......I'm jes' sayin. As Eric finishes up, he explains to Sookie just how dangerous those weres can be. Sookie begins to thank him for saving her life, but I'm thinking he's much rather prefer that you take him back to your house and ride his viking ship all the way to China. You know, a proper thank-you. After a little bit of discussion with Eric about this Jackson thing she heard in the dead were's thoughts, we are once again validated in our opinion that she is sometimes thicker than a bowl of cold sawmill gravy. Jesus Sookie! Does Eric have to explain EVERYTHING to you? When she realizes that Bill could possibly be in Jackson Mississippi, she flies into a hot fit to get there. But alas, cause Eric is asshole deep to a giraffe in v-selling shennigans with Queen Sophie, he can't just drop everything and go with her. But he's not going to let her get away without warning her to take care of herself and bring everything home in one piece until he has a chance to get a piece.

Poor Talbot is about to have a meltdown over the injuries suffered by his special tapestry rug given to them by the Lord of Glen Daverdoee or something like that, in 1387. I swear, that boy's got more airs than an Episcopalian and there's just something about him that gives me the feeling that most nights all his biscuits ain't baked. Anyhow, King Russell tells him to just chill the fuck out as a burned up mess of a Lorena gets up and shakes her head at Bill as if to say "you really need to try and control that temper" while Bill's fangs are still hanging down to his cajones as he glares at her. I about blew a gasket when King Russell tells Bill that in the kingdom of Mississippi their tolerance level for unprovoked violence is nil. Excuse me??? Mississippi is the top dog when it comes to unprovoked violence! Anyone remember Jim Crow's south? Again, I'm jes' sayin. But no matter, all will be forgiven if Bill will just give up his human telepathic half-fairy annoying as hell little waitress or at the very least turn her, and pledge his loyalty to no one but King Russell. All this talk of having to give up that incredible Sookie Nookie just leaves Bill looking severely constipated and extremely forlorn. Poor little feller. Such a sad little face.....

Does Bon Temps have only one motel? Anyhow, it looks like Tara and Bon Temps newest vampire, Franklin Mott (who btw looks like he was turned while in the throws of full-blown meth addiction) have checked into one of those 5-star rooms and are having some sort of weird, vibrating tantric like sex.  Franklin throws his head back , hissing like he's a tomcat or something. Actually, it looks like someone shoved a huge vibrator on high speed up Franklin's ass and he's about to have an epileptic seizure. In fact, it's so powerful and earth-shaking that Tara's eyes roll back in her head and she gets a little of the whole-lotta-shakin-goin'-on effect too. She hollers out for him to bite her, but for some reason he doesn't. Well shit. I just hate when that happens. Things get even more intense as she moans while he flips her on her stomach and hops on back. And for Tara's sake, I'm hoping and praying that his greeting card landed in the right box if you know what I mean and I think that you do. But our Tara is a love-em-and-leave-em kind of girl now, so she waste no time hoping up and throwing on her clothes and leaving Franklin's cheese to twist in the wind. That guy just asks too damn many questions!

Well ya'll, Sam all but comes right off the spool as he flings open the door at the Mickens palace and lets Tommy know that he doesn't appreciate the ole bird-turning trick that all but got him turned into a greasy road pizza with re-tread tire tracks all over it. Now ya'll, this is one of the creepiest and most revolting things I've seen on this show. And we all know there have plenty of them to choose from.  I swear, when Sam flung the door open and Joe Lee hopped up off that sofa with his nasty-assed briefs, rubbing down his wanker as it all but flew up out of his fly, I about threw up into my mouth. I know we have discussed this before, but I do believe it bears repeating. It was enough to put me off dick for the rest of my life. I ain't kidding. Anyhow, Sam ain't staying, but just came by to ream Tommy a new one and tell everyone good-bye. Yeah, right Sam. Getting rid of a massive case of termites will look like child's play compared to dumping that bunch. Especially when they show up out of the blue for a little surprise visit at Merlotte's cause, well, they didn't have anything else to do. Like maybe, work? Wash their nasty-assed underwear? Anyhow, Sam looks less than thrilled to see them, but then he feels ashamed of himself as he offers them anything they want for lunch. Judging by the reaction of Joe and Melinda, you would think Sam had just offered to buy them a new house and a Mercedes. Jeez, I heard the chicken fried steak was real good, but I didn't know it was that good. But, of course, before the evening is over he has a showdown with Mr. Father Doesn't Know Best. Besides shoving liquor shots at under-age Tommy, God knows what else is going in that family. I was real proud of Sam for standing up to Joe and all but running them out of his joint. Somehow, I see a lot of heartbreak in this storyline for Sam as he is awakened later that night by his alarm system. It appears that brother Tommy had a brillant idea to take the ole five-fingered discount with what was in Sam's safe. Lucky for Sam he didn't succeed.

There's nothing like an ill-timed phone call to mess up a good evening of putting sauce on a well used Estonian taco. Which is what Pam is busy doing as the phone rings at Fangtasia. It's Jessica, and she got a bit of a problem. Seems Mr. Dead Fucker/Trucker has flown the coup and she hasn't a clue as to what she should do. Now really, you vampires just ain't doing this kid right. Nobody has time for her, nobody has bothered even a twit- whit to teach her any of those import vampire survival skills. Like where and how to dispose of a dead body. She's got a perfectly good cemetery outside her front door just going to waste. Bill, your maker skills just suck. I know you can't help the situation you're in now, but you should just ditch all that "humanity" crap and show her this stuff. Buck the fuck up and get the new Windows 7 program entitled "Maker For Dummies".  I think there's even one for Mac called "How To Be A Dynamic Maker In Three Months Or Less". But since you're just too damn busy being kidnapped and held against your will, there's another vampire who's more than willing to take up the slack.  Like for instanceTara's hump for the night, Franklin Mott, when he comes knocking on the door of the Compton joint. Jessica is, of course, flamboozled when she realizes that vampires can enter the home of another vamp without being invited and this is yet one more thing that nobody bothered to tell her. And Frankie's mama raised him right, cause he doesn't come empty handed. You should always bring a gift for the hostess, no matter if it is only a rotting ole head in a gift bag.  It's the thought that counts.   My favorite line of the night? "You sure got some purty lips girlfriend". But he's right. Jessica does have some purty lips. "like a dollop of strawberry jam floating in a glass of milk". (thanks, Mad Men)

Next morning at Merlottes, Sam is explaining to Sookie about his finding that fucked up family of his as she explains to him about Eggs. Sam, ya know, you might want to put in a drive-in branch of some sort of funeral home in your parking lot. It will save on the transportation. Anyhow, Sookie tells Sam that she's gotta be gone for a few days to looks for Bill. While this conversation is going on our favorite red-haired waitress is being probed by some sort of magic cooter wand at the OB/GYN. It sure didn't looks like it was much fun. Seems she's got her a little pretend-Cajun crawfish heading her way and it don't appear to be Terry's. But she lets him think it is cause he just goes into excitement overdrive when he finds out about the little critter. Awe, he's just so damn sweet and needy. As Tara is busy wiping off tables (did anyone notice when she was pulling a draft beer for Jason that the beer was called Turbo Dog Beer?), the phone rings and it's Mike Spencer, the local coroner and funeral home feller that we've seen entirely WAY TOO MUCH of last season. I'm still having issues eating Ball Park franks. I may never get over it. But he is just calling to tell Tara that he's about to plant Eggs and would she like to come over? Of course she does and while she's there she and Sookie patch up things, especially after learning that Sookie paid for Egg's funeral. So now they are once again bff's as all is forgiven.

Those two being at the cemetery is also the perfect excuse for another Bill flashback. As the light fades away  we see a large marker with "Thomas Charles Compton" on it start to fade away as the cemetery starts to look like an older version and the headstone slowly disappears.  Bill Compton, dressed in old style clothes, stealthly and cauctiously makes his way across the cemetery. I know he's looking down cause he wants to make sure he's taking the right path, but to me it looked like he wanted to be sure he didn't step in a big, hot steaming pile left by some stray mutt.  He stops when he sees his home and slowly makes his way up the steps. He is momentarily startled to see a saucer with vinegar and a sponge on the porch. It seems that this was a signal to visitors that someone had passed away from some sort of contagious illness inside the house and perhaps they shouldn't stay, but as Bill leans down to give it a whiff,  the door is opened and it's his wife Caroline. Who, of course, is startled and surprised to see a man she thought had died at least 3 years ago. As she tearfullly and joyfully falls into his arms, he is saddened beyond sad to hear of the fate of his children. He is heart-broken as he walks into the parlor and sees his little dead son, covered in pock sores, lying in a tiny wooden coffin. As poor Caroline rushes to comfort a sobbing Bill, she draws back as she notes that he's colder than a Minnesota well-digger's ass and what's up with those bloody tears? As her reason and sanity momentarily leave her, she shoots him in the upper arm in an attempt to defend herself from this "devil". This just breaks poor Bill's heart. I swear, this entire scene was so heart wrenching.  Especially when she about pisses her pantaloons when Bill's upper arm grows back after she blew it off with that double aught-six.  Yeah honey, I'd be mopping the floor too.  Now I have to be honest here, I wasn't especially impressed with the whole Caroline thing. I mean, she just looked entirely too young and healthy to have suffered through not only 4 years of a war where folks all but starved to death, but those terrible years of poverty, starvation and deprivation that followed in the south after the war. But there she was, wearing a new looking dress and looking rather well-fed. It just didn't jell for me. But anyhow, that doesn't matter as before long that evil bitch Lorena shows up. She really angry that Bill defied vampire logic and went to see his human family. Truthfully, Lorena was much more understanding and tolerant of Bill than he was of Jessica. But as Bill drives the wooden grave marker into his little son's grave as Lorena's re-enforces her point, poor Bill just sobs like his heart is broken. Damn.

We musn't forget about The Enstein of Bon Temps, our boy Jason. He's about to take the exam to become one of Bon Temps finest. As he grabs forty winks inside his Renard Parrish road crew truck, he has himself quite a nightmare about taking that test. Everyone there, including Sheriff Dearborn, has a bullethole in the front of their forehead. AND Jason has no pants on. Now ya'll, don't think me overly critical. But enough with the damn bullethole in the forehead thing. We need to move on with this one. I sure hope it doesn't get dragged all through the next 9 episodes. We don't need to try and feed this dead possum all season long. I'm jes sayin'. But as Jason is deep in la-la land, he is rudely awakened by fellow roadcrew member Layfayette, who is about to get a good case of the ass at Jason for laying up in the truck taking a nap. Layfayette, I don't blame you. I'd be pissed too. About that time Hoyt starts bellowing loud enough to dry up the milkcow as he uncovers a dead body which, according to Hoyt, "ain't got no head. The hands are gone too!" Yeah Hoyt, that would skeeve hell out of me too. As the usual suspects show up to inspect the crime scene, Sheriff Dearborn has himself a snot-slinging hissyfit as he announces that he's had all of this horseshit he can take and takes off all his Official Sheriffin' Shit and gives it to Andy as he turns and hauls his polyp-riddled ass to the house. Well, ok.

Since Eric had his werewolf snack on top of Sookie's front door rug, she is hard at work scrubbing the blood off of it when she heard a echoy voice in her head. Ya'll, that's how she hears stuff. It's not regular like talking person to person, it's all echoy and hollow sounding, like you're hollering from the outhouse door on a cloudy morning. She's picking up on something about Eric saying she had a hot little blonde ass, so she jumps up and tries to take the aforementioned hot little ass into the house. But not fast enough as someone grabs her as she gets inside the door. It's Alcide Hervoux, and BOY IS HE FINE!  Looking Large and In Charge! Jeez, I about slid out of my chair as the faucet turned on down there where those lady bits are located. I felt slicker than cat snot. Anyhow, he explains to her that Eric Northman sent him to watch out after her while she's gone to Jackson. Now that's a road trip I could enjoy! You can just look at this man and tell he's as much cattle as he is hat. Which is a very good thing, cause WE know who we're dealing with. She'll get a feller killed quicker than a monkey can jack off. For some reason Alcide thinks it's a good idea for the two of them to visit the oldest were bar in Mississippi. It's called Lou Pines and it's a scary/cool looking place, much like Fangtasia. But Sookie displays no fear as she morphs into vixen mode and before long she's gotten the attention of that dumb dipshit who's one of Bill's kidnappers. As he bum-rushes her into what I presume must be The Fuckin' Room and makes a grab for that Incredible Sookie Nookie, she screams as Alcide rushes in and throws a punch. Which, of course, only earns him a nice ass whupping. But friends of Alcide's come to the rescue and those two manage to get out of there with all their parts still intact.

While all of this is going on (shit, there's more stuff going on here than at a John Edwards pool party) we hear the sound of a car horn blowing. It's Eric and he's decided to pay an impromptu visit to his favorite dealer, Layfayette. Now ya'll, Layfayette just ain't in no kind of mood for Eric time tonight. He's had all he wants of Eric AND Pam. But what choice does he have? So he climbs into the car with all the enthusiasm of me going for a colonoscopy. Truthfully Layfayette, I'm just as puzzled as you are as to why Eric is handing over the keys to this fine, expensive ride. It's a gift from Eric. But, I fear, not without many, many strings that will eventually wind up hanging your ass when you least expect it. But what are ya gonna do? While we're discussing these two, there's something I must mention. I don't know what it is, but the chemistry between those two is just palatable. I don't mean sexual chemistry, but it's just something about those two in a scene that just tickles me spitless, almost like a demented and twisted version of The Fonz and Ritchie Cunningham.   I just love it!

Whew! Finally, the end begins to approach as we see Cooter, the pack leader of that fucknutted bunch of weres, trying to explain to King Russell just what happened to "Johnson" as a lucious looking Bill slowly saunters in wearing a super-cool off-white dinner jacket. Holy. Shit. That's all I'm sayin'. Lorena snarks that it's Eric Northman who's to blame for that one cause he has a "perverse interest in that waitress". Jealous much Lorena? Anyhow, in an attempt to get Talbot out of the room, the king admonishes Talbot for neglecting to offer Cooter something to drink. Talbot's snoot meter goes into high gear as he gets up and and with much eye-brow raising smarms out "Zima, right?" You'd think he had been asked to bring an empty pickle jar of stump likker moonshine from the way he flounces away. And Lorena is certainly one pissed off bitch as she stand there listening as Bill renounces his allegiance to Louisiana's Queen Sophie and pledges his loyalty to King Russell Edgington of Mississippi. Cooter looks like he really doesn't give a ripe shit, but Lorena's head practically explodes as she realizes that all bets are off as far as her getting the pleasure of killing Sookie. Bill? His face says it all. It's "fuck you."

Bill returns to his silver-doored room with one more splash of O negative for the road as he sheds his jacket. And just because no one invited her in doesn't stop a bitch in love, as Lorena walks in behind him and closes the door. She wants to tap his ass and I can't say as I blame her. But he's having none of it. He's just given up the one he loves, his miracle, and he's in no mood to be pestered. Especially by the likes of her. But sometimes things just happen and there just isn't any explaining it. And this appears to be one of those times. As she rubs herself all over him and plants a liplock on those magnificent lips of his, he just loses it and lays into her neck as that insipid, evil little fool utters some shit about how much she loves him. Well, that wasn't the sweet nuttin's he wanted to hear. He rips open her dress and pounds into her like a nail gun at a barn raisin'. Well, I reckon he did. Now I have discussed this very subject with a few friends. What does he have, a magical zipper? I heard no sound of pants being unfastened, no sound of zipper being opened. How did he get his dick out? Hell, we didn't even get to see his ass! Once again, disappointment has been slung upon me. Shit. Damn. No fair. Anyhow, as she claws his back he just loses all touch with himself and decides that he just cannot bear to look at her mug while he's nailing her ass to the bedsprings. So he does what any man worth his salt would do. He twists her head completely around so that she's forced to look at all those dust bunnies and dirty drawers the maid hasn't bothered to clean up yet. Weirdest thing I ever saw. As Bill has her head all turned around like she's a twisted sister, she eekes out that she does so love him as Bill completely loses his cool and just screams and screams himself into madness.  Personally, I think he was going into a nutdown cause he realized that he just banged Lorena and forgot to take his dick out.

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