Friday, July 23, 2010
BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
Alcide Hervoux is hunched over, in all his magnificent shirtless glory, as Sookie plays Nellie Nurse and is cleaning the blood from his back with what appears to be a bottle of alcohol and some gauze. Yow! Talk about your Burn Notice! Anyhow, as he's trying to explain to her about how he feels about Debbie, the Sook's phone rings. It's Bill. And it don't look good. He proceeds to inform Sookie that he's shaking the dust of telepath off him and moving on. Sookie is, of course, heartbroken. Especially when she hears Bill tell her that where he is the only thing open after midnight are legs, namely Lorena's, as The Evil One coyly and smugly nuzzles up to him, slithering like a bitch snake in heat. But it's all a lie, cause Bill's face looks like his favorite dog just died as he hangs up the phone. As Alcide and Sookie commiserate over some Charmin and discuss who does and doesn't have a nutsack, Lorena decides to put the moves on Bill again and try to take another magic ride on his Chilly Willy. But Bill ain't having none of it. Actually he gives her a look that is colder than an aluminum shitcan on the shady side of an iceburg as he drives home his point with a mighty right hook that would make the Bronx Bomber proud as he sends her flying into the hallway, then slams shut those silver encrusted doors. Ouch! Another Burn Notice.
Poor Sam! He's once again deeper than a hog whore's cooter in problems that he just can't solve. But he's gonna try. As he runs outside of Merlotte's hollering for Tommy to fly back to the home roost, he starts to sniff the air like he's getting a ripe whiff of some sort of vittles being cooked. I just love it when he and Bill sniff the night air, like they're two prized redbone hounds who are about to tree a coon. Anyhow, he finds Melinda and Joe Lee using his parking lot like it's an RV campsite. They've fallen on "hard times". Sam really lays into Melinda about Tommy's trying to rob him and that he thinks they showed up only to take advantage of him. Melinda seems somewhat contrite and sorry for what's happened, but the only response from Joe Lee is that Tommy just makes his ass itch. I dunno Joe, I'm going out on a limb here, but I'd say the ass itching hails from those nasty briefs you insist on wearing. Just a thought. And I hear Desitin does wonders for an itchy ass. It works at my house.
Sookie is sitting up beside a sleeping Alcide ( I wonder if Alcide howls in his sleep. You remember how Sam use to *whoof, whoof, growl* in his sleep? Just stands to reason. ) crying her eyes out as her phone rings. It's Tara. Seems Tara has had some entertaining problems of her own as Franklin Mott has managed to track down the love of his life. He's really some twisted fuck. Actually he acts like once upon a time his engine was running, but since there was nobody to drive it, he just gave up and turned it off. He, of course, glamours Tara into letting him in the house as he picks her brain about everything Sookie and Bill related. He seems surprised to learn that Sookie's a telepath and then he insist on Tara calling Sookie up to find out where she is. Anyhow, Tara is being completely mind-fucked by Franklin as she tries to convince Sookie to let her come and do the ole bff thing. But Sookie either isn't in the mood for a heart to heart or else she's gonna look under the covers and check out Alcide's "equipment" before long and had rather not have any company. Rats! Franklin is foiled again. But that Franklin, he knows how to make the best of a bad situation. He goes in fang deep for some Tara plasma as she screams her head off. Love hurts, love scars.
Oh my. Sookie The Vampire Fucker is sitting up in bed as she sees Eric come floating down to her window, like some gigantic misquito. I wonder how long his holding time is? I mean, if she left him out there, how long could he hover before he fell like some peanut-ladden turd? Just wondering. Anyhow, she, of course, invites him to come inside after inquiring if all vampires can fly. He replies by asking if all humans can sing. Well, yes and no. You see, there are some humans who can sing and don't know it, there are some humans who can't sing and still don't know it. Like a certain lady at my church. She has labored under the illusion that she can sing for quite a spell now. In reality she sounds somewhat like a mule passing wind after chewing on bumblebees for a few days. But back to Eric.....he comes inside and Sookie just blows him away with her talk of smelling his memories of how he played by the north sea as a child. I tell ya, Eric about lost the snap in his elastic with that one! I wonder what my childhood memories would smell like? Chicken coop shit and biscuits a bakin'? Then Sookie drops her robe to reveal a killer body all decked out in next to nuttin' as she shows him a few of those moves he's only dreamt about. Alas, it's but a dream, as he snaps the fuck out of it as he watches with all the enthuisium of me watching two roaches fuck as Yvetta gyrates around the pole before she finally gives up and skulks away. I don't care what he says, the boy has caught a bad case of Sookie Nookie fever.
Layfayette is practically going off the chain as he tries to get in touch with Tara so he can tell her she's getting his old car. He really does love his train wreck of a cuz, but all he's getting is her voicemail, so he holla's out about a dozen "hooka's" before giving up. Ya see, Tara is otherwise occupied. She's currently spending time sitting on the throne. Now normally that wouldn't be such a bad thing, depending on how badly you needed to go, but Franklin Mott, Bon Temps current whack job and chief engineer for the Bipolar Express, has tied her to the toilet and has taped her mouth shut. Guess if you have to be held hostage someplace, sitting on the shitter is one of the better places to be. For me anyhow. Lord knows how many times I'd already be peed by the time he returned. And it's all worth it, cause eventually Franklin returns with a lovely bouquet of flowers that looks as if he fished them out of the dumpster behind the local Winn Dixie. Yessiree, he's a man of means in his tight little jeans. And he has exciting news! They're going on a road trip! As they drive on through the night on the way to Jackson, they pass a sign advertising Slappy's Snack Shack, Persimmons and Cherries. Franklin waxes poetic that if there's one thing he misses about being human, well then it's fruit. Well, if anybody would know about being a fruit, it'd be you Franklin. Cause you're a real hardcore Fruit Loop. I'm jes' sayin'.
Well, it does look as if that crazy Sookie is bound and determined to get back inside Lou Pines. Seems there's gonna be some bullshit excuse for an engagement party for Cooter and Debbie Pelt (fantastic name for a werewolfette btw) and since Alcide just can't resist rubbing cayenne pepper in his wound by watching her get initiated into the Operation Werewolf Pack, he's made his mind up that he's going. Sookie will need a disguise since she's already been seen and all but cooter mauled by a member of the F U Crew. Alcide's sister Janice comes over with all her disguising tomfoolery, including rub-on tattoo's, and before long we have a new woman on our hands. Sookie looks like Emma Peel has decided to go all hookah. Once inside Lou Pines, it's a free for all as Alcide can't be seen hangin' all up on her. She somehow winds up at the bar right next to the aforementioned cooter mauler and she has no choice but to play the part of bar 'ho. To prove that she's a real down gal and she's game for anything, she starts tossing back shooters with a resounding "fuck yeah!' until I thought surely she'd be as drunk as Hogan's hog before the night was over. But this was just a warm up for the big show. While all of these shennigans are going on, King Russell and our Billy Boy are having what we around here refer to as jaw time. Russell is grilling Bill on all his duties as errand boy for Queen Sophie. That Russell, he's really something. He blows more hot air than a corn eating horse and Bill - well he's acting more slippery than hog fat on a frozen pond. But finally Bill tells Russell that he worked as a "procurer" for Sophie as he finally just gives up and lights that damn cigar that Russell all but shoves down his yap. He also spills the beans about Sophie's problems with the Internal Fuckin' Revenue and how she's making Eric sell V for her. Russell's just so damn tickled! But Bill makes sure that ole King Russ knows that Bill expects something special in return. He wants what we all want. Lorena's skank ass permantely and absolutely deader than road kill.
Meanwhile, back at Merlotte's, Jason is bitching cause he and Hoyt can't get their beer fast enough, Arlene is about to sling another hissy fit over being overworked and overstressed, Jessica is trying to learn the ropes of being a hostess with the mostest, and Kenya the Smartass Police Officer is hanging out at the bar lamenting on what a shit deal she's being delt. It does seem as if Sheriff Dearborn has decided to hang up his hemorrhoid cushion and retire. Andy Bellefluer, who btw is so full of hot air that he could blow up an onion sack, is giving Sheriff Dearborn a rousing toast as he's presented with some new kickass cowboy boots. Finally Jason looks around to see just what's holding him back from being the center of everyone's world and comes face to face with himself from ten years ago. You know sometimes Jason is so dumb that if his brain were made of leather he wouldn't have enough to make a saddle for a junebug, but this time he really nailed it. He gave QB1 of 2010 something to think about.
Layfayette, our businessman de jour, has arrived in the little town of Hotshot. He's decided to expand his V-selling territory. But for some reason the powers that be just don't seem to be interested. Layfayette is jumping about, smiling and grinning like a goat in a briarpatch, really laying on his best sell job. But it ain't working, as in he's about to get his ass kicked to Spokane and back, and even worse than that, rednecks are fuckin' with his new wheels. Now we all know that Laffy can whop ass with the best of them, but he's no match for 3 or 4 of these fuckers. He's just on the verge of really getting his ass laid out when Eric the Impaler shows up. And closes the deal. As they ride off into the night and Eric chides RuPaul about his lack of selling skills, Eric's phone rings. It's Pam. And is she in a tizzy. Ole Skull Face has decided to raid Fangtasia cause Eric's been sold down the river by Sophie Anne. As Eric gets there in warp speed, he's terrified to see that Pam's been strung up and is being poked and proded with the silver tipped cane of the Magistre. Mean ole fucker. Anyhow, in desperation Pam just completely throws Bill under the train as she hollers out that Bill is the one responsible for the V selling and Eric finally gets his thumb out of his ass and verifies that she is telling the truth and he's just on the verge of tracking down that back stabbing, V selling dipshit Bill Compton. The Magistre tells them that he didn't come to the camel's house looking for wool, so they had better have this shit taken care of within 24 hours or else Pam will be resting permantely in the marble orchard.
King Russell feels like gettin' down to the club, so he and the other two muskateers take off in the royal limo. As they arrive near the friendly confines of a strip joint, Russell orders Bill to find out if his procuring skills are still sharp. Bill ain't really down with this shit, but he reluctantly climbs out and makes his way into the club. And looking hotter than two rats fuckin' in a wood sock, I might add. Dayum! He looks around like he's selecting a ripe watermelon for a Fourth of July picnic until something catches his eye. Poor kid. She's unloved, unwanted, completely jaded by life and all alone in this world. Bill really hates what he's been ordered to do and looks like he's just as soon eat a shit sandwich with mustard than take that poor girl out to the limo, but what choice does he have?
While this is going on in the girlie club, Russell has a little errand of his own. He departs the limo, leaving Lorena alone and telling her to feel free to start without him if their little midnight snack arrives before he returns. I don't know about you, but to me Lorena kinda looked like Big Pussy Bonpensiero looked when Tony and the gang came to get him for a little fishing trip. Scared shitless. But alas, no harm will come to our favorite vixen. Meanwhile inside Lou Pines, it's time for communion. Debbie Pelt has been all but stripped nekkid, lifted into the air and tossed through the crowd like she's a pizza crust or something before finally being deposited on the stage. A wolf pelt is draped across her back and then the weird shit really starts to happen. Russell opens up a vein, fills up some shot glasses and the festivities begin. Debbie is branded like a prized heifer, Coot turns into a wolf and before Sookie knows what's what, the entire bunch, including Alcide, starts to morph into big bad wolves. Last we heard of Sookie she was hauling ass faster than green grass through a goose towards the backdoor of Lou Pines.
Oh shit, I don't even want to describe what takes place in that limo. Poor kid. And I'll just leave it at that.