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Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I GET A KICK OUTTA YOU!


Listen up General Motors. This is why Honda is whupping your ass. That little yellow hoop-dee of Sookie's must be at least 15 years old, yet it held up under Bill's most awesome man-fit as he drove it like he was 30 minutes late for divorce court. I kept expecting to see spit flying (would it be bloody spit?) from Bill's former pie-hole as he momentarily located those magnificent cajones he once proudly sported as he flung out a massive, yet impressive, throwdown on Sookie. And let's be honest here, didn't we all enjoy it? Just the teensiest bit? Last season, when Sookie was throwing down all that smack on Bill and recinding his invite and just being a hardcore bitch in general to him, especially after Bill had to re-connect with his big, bad vampire self and do what was the equivalent of a public vampire gang-rape, weren't we all just ready to jump up out of our seats and give out hi-fives and huge shoutouts to that awesome vampire! Yeah! 'Dats what I'm takin' about! Finally, as we who squat to pee are prone to do, she's had about enough of his shit as she furiously orders Bill to stop the car. I don't know about you, but I just loved LOVED the look on Jessica's face as Bill announces, and not to convincingly, that "she'll be back'. Jessica was like "Jesus Christ, but you are one dumb fuck." Bill, for an old guy you sure haven't learned much about women. We never NEVER give up first and come back to the car. But, of course, Sookie being Sookie, she runs into some deep do-do whilst traveling down the highway of life. So, of course, it's our boy Bill to the rescue. Again.


Poor Sookie. She's a damn mess. Back all tore up, nice denim jacket is pretty much a done deal. Looks like she won't get to use the Bedazzler on it. But her hair still looks great! As Bill finds her all super vampire-fast like as she's lying flung out in the middle of the highway (see, if that were me, at least 6 cars would have come by and run over me again, thinking it was a huge deer or something) and watches in horror (his face is like "da-um bitch, you are seriously, and I mean SERIOUSLY fucked up) as she starts frothing up some vile, nasty white stuff that looks like the nozzle misfired on a can of Faultless Spray Starch. Since Fangtasia must be the triage unit for all things vampire related, Bill orders Jessica to drive them there. Our Jessica is all ready to enjoy some hang time with her Fangtasia homies, but our boy Bill sticks a prick in that cherry as he firmly orders her home. Poor kid. It's like nobody wants her.


But help is a comin' in the form of our very own half-pint MD, Dr. Ludwig. Who's no fan of the fang and also is no fan of the bedside manner and wastes no time with howdys and fist bumps as she cuts straight through the shit. This low-down causes Bill to all but go into major spaz mode. As Bill stands around looking all janked up and worried after hearing Sookie's not only been poisoned, but will probably croak, he completely misses that look on Eric's face that makes it clear to anyone who has a dog in this hunt that as soon as the opportunity presents itself, well, that's definately an ass that he intends to tap. Sookie's, I mean. Not Bill's. Bill, you really need to start paying more attention to what's going on. You become totally pussy blinded everytime you're with Sookie. We established a while back that you're a tad slow on the upswing at times and don't pay a helluva lot of attention to anything except her.....assets....but really, you need to buck the fuck up and start paying attention. No kiddin'. Poor Bill, who's already looking as guilty as a sinner in church, holds Sookie down while Dr. Ludwig pours either battery acid or Leona Hemsley's spit on her back as she screams in pain, which, btw, would permantly damage the hearing of mere mortals, as Dr. Ludwig digs a knobby finger into her back and slides up a really nasty, loogie looking thing that reminded me of a Jelly Belly after I sucked all the sugar coating off. Since Bill was otherwise occupied looking all stressed out and guilty, I guess he just didn't have time to worry about the fact that Eric was hanging out in the corner, seriously getting his jack on as the aroma of Sookie's blood and cooter wafted over to him on a cloud of funk.


While all this fun stuff is going on at Fangtasia, we see Sam Merlotte, Bon Temps local Sad Sack, as he's sitting at his desk acting like he don't know whether to shit a tree stump or play poker. And to further enhance his sparkling personality, Merlotte's newest and not-too brightest, Daphne, shows up to announce that's she's fucked the pooch as far as her tickets go.. So of course Sam has yet ANOTHER meltdown and sends her fleeing in tears as Tara rounds the corner spouting Maryanne-isms. Lately, it's like Tara's become a talking Barbie doll. You just pull her string and she spouts out Maryanne-isms with aplomb, much to the not-delight of Sam. Sam, seriously dude, you really need to consider scoring some Xanax. Really.


"But when I dreammmm....I dream of you......." It looks like Jason is having his own dream of being blown while at camp. Wouldn't Royce Alan Williams be proud? He's sorta enjoying this.....until he jerks (*snort*) awake and sees Eddie The Murdered Vampire, all naked and wollering on top of him. This, of course, causes a major freak-out on Jason's part and so he does what all good soldiers of the sun would do. He prays. Which pisses off the Lukinator. And earns him a pillow being thrown at him. Cool. Another pillow for my bunk. Thanks dude. Does anybody really care?


Ah, yes. Here we are once again at the home of the Maryanne the Fruit Queen, as she and Carl are whipping up a batch of soup, made with hearts of Jeanette. And Carl is no dummy folks. When Maryanne suggest that it might need a wee bit more juniper, he all but dumps a load in his drawers as he scurries away to fetch it. Soon Tara shows up, looking semi-mellow over the idea of someone just bringing her stuff before she even asks. Which of course earns her another Maryanne-ism. I wonder what the prize is when you have collected say.....a hundred of these damn things? Not sure I wanna know. Anyhow, after some chit-chat and par-tay in da house talk, Maryanne proceeds to roll the biggest, most awesome looking joint I have ever seen. Now Maryanne bugs me mightly, but I will have to offer major props in the doobie rolling department. She be awesome! Of course Tara cannot resist the notion of lighting a fire under that lovely thing, and of course she won't be able to show up for work. Think Sam will be pissed? Oh, I dunno.....he's really been so mellow and understanding lately...... OF COURSE SAM WILL BE PISSED. HE IS STILL BREATHING, ISN'T HE?


After some really lame-ass group therapy session at the FOTS that nobody really wants to re-hash, least of all me, we can just blow right on past that until we cruise into Fangtasia, where a fully healed and wearing a fly Fangtasia t-shirt is Sookie, who's anxious to check out her back to see just what the fuck all the commotion was about. Suddenly she's surprised by Fangtasia's very own barmaid de jour, Ginger. Who's mama raised her right, cause she immediately brings Sookie a little bite to eat. This appears to be an original Ginger special. A "peanut butter and chocolate syrup two-top sandwich". Which, if you think about it, would back down a fuckin' fly from a puke wagon. And that's pretty much Sookie's reaction. Wait! What's that I hear? Layfayette's in the basement? And Ginger's got a gun? Where's Lassie when you need him! Quick Lassie, go find the Miller's and tell them Lafayette's being held hostage in the basement! But our Sookie's just had herself a big ole hit of vamp blood, so she needs no help from Lassie as she's quicker than the average gal. Unless you take into account the ones who show up at Filene's basement on wedding dress day. As a completely unbelieving Sookie kneels by the side of our poor, filfhy, smelly and gunshot Lafayette, it just tore me all up to see him like that. But even better than Lafayette's rescue? That damn purple eye of Sookie's is finally, finally gone.


There's an orgy at Maryanne's, but unless you're turned on by nekkid men with beer guts and pork swords a blowin' in the breeze and way too chunky to be nekkid women with tits a flippin' left and right, then I won't even bother with the freak-out at Maryanne's. Even Tara, who lately has been keeping her intelligence way too close to her cooter, is grossed out. 'Bout time honeychile. I'm jes' sayin'.


As Eric finally gets his boner under control, he announces to a furious Sookie that she most certainly can give him props for saving her life by jetting off to Dallas to help find his homeboy Godric. Sookie graces him with a look that a dog would give a box of worming pills as she announces that it will cost him $5000, which causes that smirk on The Viking's face to be even smirker. But that smirk sorta disappears when Bill ups the ante to $10,000 AND informs Eric that there's no way his bottom bitch will be going to Dallas without him. Yeah Eric, looks like you're gonna have to lick that Baby Ruth again. Rethink your game plane and all that stuff. Meanwhile, my favorite vampire in all the world, Pam, shows up and flings a shell of his former self, Lafayette, into the room. But our short-order cook still has enough piss and vinegar in him to set off the rile-up in Pam. Poor Layfayette. As he returns to his dark, empty house (which I'm sure he never thought he'd see again) he was 20 ways past pitiful as he curled up on his sofa, all swaddled in an afghan that I would bet the farm his mama had made. *sniff, sniff*.


Meanwhile, everybody's busy gettin' down at the home of Maryanne when the worst cop in the world shows up. What an idiot. First he sees a pig in a dollhouse, then he doesn't. But what he DOES see and wishes he didn't is a half-nekid and drunken Mike Spencer gettin' his freak on with the local barfly Jane Goodhouse. EEEEKKKKK! My eyes!!!


Jason, trust me on this one. You stay away from that 'nana pudding. She might not whip it out for anybody, but I'm betting my left ovary that she's gonna whip it out for you. And she'll be expecting you to bring the banana AND whip cream next time.


Jessica's had about enough of this "home alone" crap. So she paints up her lips and rolls and curls her tinted hair cause Jessica is contemplating going out somewhere. She makes her way to Merlotte's where she catch the eye of the sweetest guy on the planet. That Hoyt Fortenberry is just all kinds of awesome. He gets invited back to da house, where he thinks "Vampire Bill's" house is just soooo cool. Yeah, me too dude. Just as they're getting their freak on, they are rudely interupted by the two horn dogs who've been outside on the porch all but dry humping each other. Oh, btw, Bill still loves him some petticoats. Once inside (the house, get your mind outta the gutter) things just don't go real well with this meeting the parents thing and Bill, once again, completely over-reacts. Bill, whaz up wid 'dat? Chill baby, chill.


Meanwhile, as this incredibly long night comes to a close, Sam the Sham makes what he thinks is a good-bye run with his doggie befri. As he leaps into the crick, he looks up to see a fetchingly lovely Daphne stripping down to her Victoria's Secrets. But what are those scratches we see? Hmmmmm.........

3 comments:

Lynnpd said...

This is so funny and so right on. TB is getting better and better, but I so hope that Bill becomes more, you know Billish!

Love reading your writing. Please give us more.

gymvamp said...

eeeeeeeek my eyes?? More like barf time. Who want to see those two at it. This commentary warrants an award I do believe! Comparing Sookie to brides - hmmmm!!

Ran de Gota said...

Awesome!
I really needed this laughter because Bill´s overcooking me!

More please.