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Saturday, July 25, 2009

ERIC GETS FOILED AGAIN




BELCH! Hang on to your Pepto folks, cause our next spincter tightening episode begins with Eric, still wearing those fetching hair foils, doing a spot-on impersonation of me at the Smokin' Pig BBQ Buffet. Exchange the blood all over his vampire mug for some Jack Daniels Rib Sauce, and the resemblance is even more startling. Then, as Eric finishes chawin' down on Royce's tasty redneck vittles, and as an extra visual reinforcement to Layfayette (as if he needed one) he oh-so casually flings a dismembered arm, like a boomerang, across that smelly and gross dungeon as it slo-mo's it's way over to the left titty nipple of a totally terrified Layfayette. (I was really praying it wouldn't fall into the shitbucket.) Hey, I don't know about ya'll, but I'm definately a believer. I don't need ANYMORE convincing that Eric is Bad News. Poor Layfayette is so terrified, he doesn't know whether to shit in his eyes or screw his pants shut. And bless pat folks, Eric's worried about having blood in his hair. What did you think dude? You've just torn a slightly chunky redneck limb from limb, you've ingested enough blood to make you need to loosen the drawstring on your work-out pants and make you think that perhaps your next feed should come from someone who's been doing Jenny Craig, but yet you're wondering if some blood might be in your hair? Actually, after Eric ingested all that redneck blood, I was totally expecting Eric to order Pam or Chow to make haste to an all night car dealer and find him a 4-wheel drive pick-up with mud-grip tires, a gun rack on the back window and a Rebel flag vanity plate. And let's don't forget to load that 5-disc CD changer with some Lynrd Skynrd.
Quick cut to the Compton crib, where our eternally horny Sookie (I've decided horn-dog runs in the family) and a "teetering on the cusp of pussy- whuppedness" Bill are lying in bed,engaging in some silly, post coital small talk that's suppose to make us see just what a normal, average cute little couple they are. I find myself wondering what Sookie did with that bloody chenille bedspread. I do hope she's got it soaking in Bill's badass bathtub with a little dollop of OxyClean. And of course it's not too long before Sookie's horny hiney gets the better of her and she's coyly making a suggestion that Bill might need to make up to her for.....what? I guess it doesn't really matter. All she's really interested in is straddling those powerful vampire loins again and taking another ride around the corral. Good thing Bill's a vampire. Either his dick would fall off from overuse or Mike the Coroner would be making another midnight run.
Man, it just hurts my heart to see our once peacock-proud Layfayette all broken down and terrified as the always adorable smartass Pam smirks and calls him a hooker while chiding Eric about fuckin' up his hair. Layfayette is doing everthing but making a rabbit appear from a hat, as in desperation he begans to work an angle, any angle in order to get his ass up and out of there. In sad desperation, he throws out the name of Jason Stackhouse, but unfortunately for him, Eric jes ain't buying the shit he's selling. As Eric files away this little tidbit of information as future currency that he hopes will buy him a piece of the incredible Sookie Nookie, he lets Layfayette know the bloody-haired sheriff of area 5 jes ain't quite through with our vamp blood dealing hustler just yet. So it's back to the Fun House for Layfayette!.
As the wheels on the FOTS bus go round and round all through the town, Jason, our very own vampire killin' little grasshopper, tries his hand at joining in with some really lame-ass vampire hate songs as he and the Lukinator have a few quality moments of dick measuring and just all around buddy bonding time. If you think he looks happy now, just you wait until he gets his very own "I'm in the vampire killer club" silver decoder ring. Quick cut (this episode made me all but dizzy!) to the ever lovely Tara, as she comments on the way Eggs smells. With someone named Eggs, I expected he would smell somewhat like a hot fart in a closed up car, or maybe a natural spring of sulfur water. But no, according to Tara Mae, he smells nasty and nice and all at the same time. Gee, it's really been a while since someone said that to me. Unfortunately for the lovebirds, Tara has to make post haste to her job at Merlottes, where we just know Sam will be, once again, pissing and moaning about something. I swear, here lately he's stayed so riled up that he could start a fight in an empty house. Soon enough, here comes Sookie, who I swear looks like she 's had her hair fixed at the Ellie Mae Clampett School of Hair Design. I guess Ellie Mae has gone through all of Jed's oil millions and had to take up a career. Feeding all those critters can get expensive, not to mention the upkeep on the cement pond. I hear pool boys are union now. I know Ellie Mae's proud that Sookie appears to be her best customer. Sookie and Maryanne meet for the first time, as they perform the patented southern "nice to meet you, fuck you" ritual, their eyes are just screaming "I'm gonna kill yo skank ass, bitch" as they make small talk and Sookie tries to make sense from the weird-ass mumbo-jumbo she hears in Maryanne's thoughts. Now I don't know what language Maryanne was speaking, but I'm fairly certain she was saying "if the price of those fuckin' mango's keeps going up, I'm gonna have to pimp Carl out in order to pay for them".
Soon a randy and bouncy curls looking Sookie Mae Clampett invades the Compton joint again, as she has just seen Jessica's parents pleading for her return on the tv. I assume she was, once again, going over to verbally abuse our poor de-nutted Bill about his turning of Jessica. But alas! He ain't there. Seems he has gone out to the local mall for a few glad rags for his little girl. Now, truthfully, I find this somewhat fuckin' dumb. Why didn't he wait for Sookie and enlist her help in selecting a new wardrobe for Jessica? You think he might not be over the moon about Sookie's choices in wardrobe? I dunno....... Soon we see poor confused Bill, as he desperately looks around for the corset and crinoline section. But help is a comin' in the form of a super-horney salesclerk who's all but dripping on the floor when she finds out "Yes, I am vampire". That is until Eric with the new 'do shows up. At first I thought he really wanted to talk to Bill about some missing vampire bullshit, but now I'm more and more convinced he just wanted Bill's opinion on his new 'do as he and Bill send out a rousing vibe of light-loaferness that sends the salesclerk, who had every intention of backing Bill's ass up in the dressing room, scampering off. Bill, you really need to go home. REALLY. You have no idea what those two gals who have taken over your newly renovated bathroom are up to.
Poor Layfayette has finally broken free of his leg irons in a scene that is probably, hands down, the most gruesome and disgusting thing I've ever seen. I don't really want to describe it to you, or even dwell on it very long, so if you're curious then tough shit. Go watch it yourself. As Layfayette makes his way upstairs into the bar of Fangtasia, he's so overcome with relief that's it's daylight he practically pees himself. Suddenly, from her duties as fangbanger deluxe, comes crazy ole Ginger the waitress, looking as crazy as ever and waving a revolver around like somebody would wave around a urine specimen from someone with the clap. Now ya'll, I do believe Ginger has got the craziest looking face I've ever seen. It's like the bones can shift and her whole face just morphs into some more craziness while you're watching. As she shakily points the gun at Layfayette and he's doing everything he can think of to bullshit her into letting him out the door, she pops a cap in his ass. Well, not really his ass. It's his leg. But either way, he's screwed. And he knows it. Now all he can to do is lie all pitiful like on the couch in Eric's office, while Pam smirks at him and Chow paces the floor like a lion who knows a huge sirloin is within reach but has to wait for the straw boss to show up before he can dive into it. Like I said, Layfayette knows he's royally screwed, but he has no idea how completely shitty this evening is about to turn into. For soon he's about to become....I can only describe it as a flashback to a time I was at the KFC buffett and a college football team dropped in.
While some really crazy, black eyed, epileptic on crack dancing is going on at Merlotte's, curtesy of Maryanne, Sookie and Jessica arrive at the Hamby home. Jessica is really heart-tugging here. She's been crying bloody tears and is so homesick. Sookie feels really bad about how the shit went down between Jessica and the vampire turning thing, so she agrees to drive Jessica to see her home one last time. But before Sookie knows what fucked her blind and has time to react, Jessica is out of the car and at the front door, all super vampire-fast like. Actually, she kinda looks like me at the buy-one-get-one-free sale at Bruster's Ice Cream. I can move pretty fast when I need to. Uh oh. Sookie's really peed in her chilli now. She's in Big Trouble and she knows it. Things begin to tumble downhill faster than a fat man on a ski slope wearing greasy ski's as Jessica turns her vampire wrath on her father whom, I assume, was rather fond of what we use to refer to as the attitude adjuster. Just as she's about to rip open his neck, the front door is flung off by none other than the most pissed off vampire I've ever seen. Daddy Warbucks is on the warpath. AND BOY, IS HE REALLY PISSED!

5 comments:

Lynnpd said...

Well, it's about time. We've been starved for some of your great writing! Love, Love, Love it. Keep 'em coming!

gymvamp said...

Now that's what I call a recap. So where is epi 5?????? Get with it 'oman!! epi 6 is on its way!!!

ABNegative said...

Thanks Lynn. Glad you enjoyed it. I really hate to see anyone starve. Love ya!

ABNegative said...

Episode 5???? I'm barely on episode 3. Don't rush me gym. Just remember. You can't make moonshine in a day. Fine things take time. So stfu.

gymvamp said...

I finally got my epi 4 Q up so keep up!!! I am only 2 behind!!