New blog for my William Thomas Compton Chapters

In order to maintain the atmosphere of complete and total insanity at all times, I have moved my more serious blogs about Mr. Compton to a new home. A link can be found on the StephenMoyer.net site, as well as at http://TheLifeandTimesofWilliamThomasCompton.blogspot.com
Just look over to the right of the chapters, it's easy to find.

Thanks! Hope to see you there. Yeah, come on over. You know you want to!

Let's Hear It For Those Bad Boys From Bon Temps

This video was created by yet another talented Bill Babe, Crimsonbouquet. The words of the song say it all, there's nothing I can add to it. Except maybe a HELL YEAH!

YouTube - All Bill Wants for Christmas

YouTube - All Bill Wants for Christmas


This amazing, beautiful, wonderful video was created by the supremely talented AuPretender. Ain't she something! It's really and truly all I wanted for Christmas. And I got it. I musta been better than I thought this year.

CHAIN OF FOOLS

How did you do it Bill? HowEVER did you manage to restrain yourself? Men with less self control would have been all over Denise Rattray like Marines on a whore. Yes Bill, you little rascal you, just because you're a vampire doesn't mean you ain't a fuckin' gentleman. Cause gentlemen, even vampire gentlemen, know that it ain't polite to make smelly on the belly with another man's wife.

From the time she whirled her classy snout around to say "well hel-lo" I could see the barely contained lust in your eyes. I just know you would have given at least 60 years off your life if Mack had ordered something that DID give him a good case of the runs so you could be alone with that enchanting creature for just a few precious minutes. You know, cop a feel or two under the table. Maybe snag a run in those PANTYHOSE fer chrissake. I just HATE when women wear pantyhose with those damn happy pants (cause your ass looks like it's smiling from cheek to cheek). Oh you poor man, what agony you must have suffered in denying yourself the want - no, the need - to ask her to take out her clip. We all know what a major jones you have for the hair. She's somewhat like the Creature From The Black Lagoon. I'm not saying that she was FROM the Black Lagoon, I'm saying that what's between her thighs IS the Black Lagoon. I expect it would make a monster of most any poor sap that cared to sojourn there. That's probably what happend to Mack. He might have been as nice as Hoyt until she popped a cap in his noggin with her snatch.

Mack, I heard through the grapevine that the house specialty - the potted meat - is pretty much guaranteed to give a guy a good case of the trots as everyone knows potted meat is just chock full of chopped up peckers, among other more mysterious ingredients that I can't even force myself to think about. And if you ask politely I hear Layfayette will even serve it on toast points with chopped egg. Cause after all it is the redneck caviar. Can't nobody say we southerners don't have class! And I just love your ring! WHEREVER did you get it? Tiffany's? Jacob the Jeweler? Cartier? Well, wherever it was, I do hope the designer got a bonus, cause it was something to behold. A real jawbreaker - I mean jawdropper. I do hope Bill had enough forethought to snag it and keep it for just that special someone before he threw that aluminum home sweet home on top of you. No, not the Sook. Cause we all know what a big fuckin' mouth that girl has. Wouldn't take her but one person commenting on how "unique" that ring was before she would riv it up for a long one and regale that poor sucker with all the details of where it came from and how she happened to acquire it.

And Mack (btw, did you all know this actor is the son of Michal J. Parks?) how did you like your necklace that Miss Sookie Stackhouse, waitress from Bon Temps gave you? Took your breath away, didn't it? It was indeed a Chain of Fools.

I wonder if the guy who owned the truck where Sookie found that chain ever missed it?

ALABAMA THUNDERPUSSY

What, pray tell, IS an Alabama Thunderpussy? When I first saw this shirt on Jason in Episode 2, (after I finally stopped laughing and got some more oxygen in my lungs) I knew I just had to get to the bottom of this. So many possibilities have swirled through my feverish brain since I first saw it, but still no positive answer.

Is it someone from Jason's past? Some sort of a horndog club he was a member of? A rock band? What he would like to have from Santa more than anything? Does Jason have an affinity for something fishy this way comes from the land of Roll Tide? Or do you think maybe Jason is like Jethro Bodine - a double naught spy. Codename: Thunderpussy. Sort of a cross between Thunderball and Octapussy.

Lord knows I even asked myself if maybe thunderpussy is the sound Jason's women make during sex. Now THAT conjours up a mental image that will put hair on your chest, if you know what I mean and I think that you do. You know, that sound you make when you're ahem........how shall I put this delicately.....getting banged and suddenly there's a sound like someone stomped on a frog. Don't even bother acting like you don't know what I'm talking about. Do you think THAT'S what an Alabama Thunderpussy really is? Bueller..........Bueller.............anyone?.....................anyone?

CHUG-A-LUG, MAKE YA WANNA HOLLER HI-DE-HO!

Stand back and watch ya'll, cause that Sookie knows she can mackdown on a arm! She looked like me chawin' down on some hickory smoked ribs. And Bill, poor guy. I actually began to feel sorry for him. Once Sookie got past all that "I don't wanna be a vampire" bullshit she really latched on and tore it up. I know Bill was probably thinking "da-yum girl, maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. Although........she does suck like she's one of those chrome tailer hitch chicks I've heard so much about. Wonder how long it'll take her to heal? Her mouth is looking better already. Hey Sook, I was thinking, if you wouldn't mind........". I was actually starting to worry that maybe she was about to loosen up a few of Bill's wristbones and one of them was gonna come loose and get hung up in her front tooth gap. When she finished doing the Big Gulp on Bill he probably had to find a stick and slip it under Sookie's top lip in order to break the suck-shun she had on his wrist. I know vamps heal fast , but I'd wager there's probably still a big ole purple welt on his wrist in the shape of Sookie's mouth.

Sookie, did you ever hear of that book called "How to Win Friends and Influence People"? If you've heard of it then I'm going on the assumption that you never bothered to read it. Cause I thought that question you nailed Bill with when he called on you and Gran Stackhouse and the two of you went out for a stroll, cause after all it was such a lovely night, was just downright rude. "So, I guess you've killed a lot of people". WTF?? That's ALL you could come up with to break the ice? See, to me, that would be akin to some feller asking me out for a moonlight stroll, then saying "so, I guess you've eaten a lot of Krispy Kremes?" Rude. Hurtful. Gratitious. Unnecessary. What you SHOULD have asked him was this. "Is your dick as big as it seems, or did you lose a sock in the dryer?" Yeah, ask him something really important, something that we all want to know. Who cares about how many people he's killed?

Can you imagine the reaction of Sam The Lurking Fido if he'd heard Sookie ask Bill that?

LAFFIE , WE HARDLY KNEW YE

Well crap. I'm gonna miss Layfayette. A lot. Whenever he was in a scene, well he was all anyone saw. I know there are theories and talk of him not being dead floating around left and right. But come on. If you put to good use what you've got between your ears, then you have to conclude that it was in fact Layfayette's big old number 12 that was hanging out the back door of Andy Bellefluer's Crown Vic. Why else would we have to witness Layfayette fling his big old hoof up on Sam Merlotte's bar while spiffing up his toenails with a fresh coat of red laquer? And about that, I thought that was nasty. Looked like something I would do. Normally I don't even go to bars. I prefer to do my drinking at home so that way if I slip up and float an air biscuit then I can blame the dog. And if I'm in an eating joint that has a bar I'll make doubly sure to do a sniff test before I belly up to it. If I catch even the faintest whiff of stale parmesean cheese, then I'm outta there.

Also Layfayette was quickly becoming my role model for fashion. I picked up some really awesome ideas for accessorizing, what-not-to-wear and since when is too much black eye-liner a bad thing? And man! Could he sweep the shit out of a floor! If I could only raise up my recliners with one hand like he did, I'd be loaded for bear. I might actually break down and sweep more than once every few months.

Poor Tara! What's our black girl, precious little pearl gonna do now? Layfayette was her touchstone, her rock of stability. I know that's pretty fucked up when your rock of stability is a drug dealing, porn making, v-juice selling gay short order cook who also re-surfaces the highway. But Tara's life is an exercise in fuck-nuttery, as we all know. Heck, she and her mama's one bonding moment came over sucking the heads from a bucket of mudbugs. Now THAT'S fucked up! I still have nightmares about that. No, actually I said to my own mama "you know, if you really loved me as much as you love my sister, then you would have taken me out so we could suck the heads off a bucket of mudbugs". I'm sure you all can guess what she said. Our Tara depended on Layfayette like she couldn't depend on anyone else. Not even Sookie. He was her go-to guy who would listen to her and actually act like he really gave a shit about what happened to her. Here lately Sookie has been too wrapped up in her own drama's to be a decent befri to anyone. And I suspect in my gut that Layfayette would have caught a bullet for his little cousin. And to further fuck up Tara's psyche, she has to be one of the people who finds his body. To quote my favorite old Irish uncle, "dah drodit, that's a real goat fucker ah coming at ya, that it tis". Yep Uncle Mattie, you just might be onto something.

I tried to fool myself into thinking that maybe that big old footsie belonged to someone else. Like maybe one of those three rednecks that put the eternal flame to General Zod, Ursa and Non. REALLY I was hoping it was the one with the curly hair. You know, Mr. Garlicpress himself who looks like he could possibly be a desendent of Hoss Cartwright. Especially after he and Layfayette had that go-round with the "aids burger". But I reckon not. Looks like we're gonna be graced with their presence in the new season. Wonder what those 3 little scamps will be up to?

WELL BLESS MY SOLE

I'm sure all of you have figured out that I spend an inordinate amount of time mulling over some of the dumbest and most useless shit this side of Old Sweden. But I figure we all have our calling in life and I guess that's mine. For instance, Sookie's footwear. Is it just me, or does she not wear some of the hokiest, funkiest footwear you've not seen since the 1990's? To quote Louisana's resident Pop Princess "like daaang girl (chew, pop, chew), what's up with those dawg covers?" I can't help but wonder where she got them. What? Did she blow old Mayor Norris and he let her "dig around in the archives" and that's what she came up with?

She dresses cute. I'll give her that. But just don't cast your eyes past the knees. For instance, in Episode 2 she's wearing that really cute green and white bathing suit and cover-up and just looking sexier and more fly than a girl has a right to. Her boobs were all firm and perky, like freshly watered gerber daisies. Then I saw those shoes. I thought "WTF? Was she Rosie the Riveter in a former life"? She has no problem going around dressed in less clothing than would cover a gnat's hindquarters. I will give her props for that. And I just have to say this. In episode one when she was outside sunbathing in that cute little two-piece, wearing those white sunglasses, I kept expecting her to start wailing out "blue...ooooo...eee.....oooo... I'm so lonesome for you, tears fill my eyes til I can't see.......". Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest. Back to the topic. Both times that Bill took her to Fangtasia she wore a dress that made her buzzum look like she was trying to smuggle out a baby, ass first. And her hair always looks great, even when it's in a ponytail. Bill just loves her hair. The feel and smell of it makes him harder than week old biscuits. But she seriously needs to deal with her lack of shoe cool. Maybe she could drive over to Shreveport in her canary yellow Honda Hoop-tee and see if Eric could hook her up with some of his Teva catalogs. Snag her some really fly flip-flops. I'm sure if Sookie would just open up her heart to Eric then he would be happy to help her pick out a pair or two. But Sook, honey, I don't really think your heart is the part of you Eric would like you to open. (*wink, nudge*). Just tryin' to clue you in. You know, sort of a heads up. You don't appear to be real smart sometimes when it comes to men.

But who knows. Maybe Sookie's got a big stash of Candies ballerina flats or an assload of Jellies stowed away in her closet, just waiting for next season. Perhaps as a special prize for our patience. God I hope so. Cause if she's not gonna wear Jellies next season, then I ain't gonna fuckin' watch.

BOOGIE WONDERLAND

Escape From Dragon House is fantastic! Of all 12 episodes, this one is my favorite. For me, this is the episode that let's us begin to see a more interesting, colorful side of the vampire world. And we were introduced to Eric and Pam. Those two! I just love 'em!

This episode begins with, of course, Miss I-Can-Scream-So-Loud-That-Every-Dog-In-Renard-Parish-Headed-For-The-Bayou - discovering poor, pretty Dawn's body. And why in the H E Double Hockeysticks do people like to congregate outside a crime scene like it's high fuckin' entertainment? I've never understood that. Yeah Arlene, you're one classy broad alright. You've got a serial killer who's sharing your bed and who is so considerate of others that he goes inside for some cool refreshments - and don't forget those fuckin' paper doilies - so everyone will be as comfortable as possible while watching the coroner remove the body of the latest girl he strangled. Gee whiz Rene, where were you when I was looking for that special someone? Oh please tell me that you've got a brother! And that damn Maxine Fortenberry. Why couldn't you have strangled HER while you were at it? Cat on a hot tin roof, my big old ass! Maxine, I'm glad you FEEL like a cat on a hot tin roof cause quite frankly you LOOK like a waterbuffalo on a tarmac. Now I will admit before laypeople that I could stand to shed a pound or three, and truthfully I could probably rent my backside out for a billboard. Also, I don't like for folks to say disparaging things about those that are somewhat chunky. Pisses me off in fact. But for Maxine Fortenberry I will make an exception.

And my crazy heart just melted all over itself when Sam leaned over and kissed Sookie on the top of her head. I swear, if Bill wasn't in the picture I would drive over to Bon Temps and slap some sense into Sookie until she started to love Sam like he loves her. He's just so damn sweet. I know he can get a tad protective and whiney, but he'd really make some gal a great husband. And he can guard the house at night too.

Little did I know that when Jason ingested that vial of v-juice just what torment we would all be subjected to in coming episodes. I sure do wish he had dropped that vial and spilled it all on the floormats. We could have had much more Bill time. But that whole eggplant thing was immensely funny. I do have a very lowbrow sense of humor at times, and I am a tad on the common side if the situation calls for it. And that whole "acute case of priapism" thing was some funny shit. Especially when Tara said that she wasn't ever gonna be the same after watching that doc drain Jason's johnson. Seems like I heard that before. I think it was on my wedding night. And it wasn't me who said it.

Now to the best part. Fangtasia! From the ride over in Bill's fine, fine shaggin' wagon, to his smolderingly hot eye raping of Sookie in that dress (wouldn't we all just KILL to look like that in a titty-pushing dress?) and Sookie's first meeting with Eric and Pam, it was just divine! I've got a gut feeling that Bill might have some "issues" with Eric. Just a hunch on my part. Actually I get the feeling that at some point in time Eric has treated Bill to a big ole Steve Erkel style butt wedgie and His Royal Hotness is still a mite worked up over it.  And I thought the ole hairy eyeball look he was casting Eric's way was the self-same look an ex-husband would give to the bitch who not only took everything he had in the divorce settlement, but left him a scorching case of herpes for good measure. And then to top it off, he has to go trotting over to bow and act like they're asshole buddies when His Majesty gives a flick of those 20 inch fingers. And didn't you just LOVE the way Eric did that little shiver when he said "mainstreaming"! He sorta looked like someone snuck up behind him and slid an ice cube up his hidey hole. Yeah, I'd say Bill would give up about a hundred years of his life if he could tell Eric to go fuck himself. Morn' once.

What about Taryn and those fangs! On all the other vamps I've seen so far, the fangs looks realistic. Yeah, like I really KNOW how a vampire's fangs should look. But I just thought Taryn's were a tad on the long side. Like maybe they ran out of enough fangs for the extras and somebody found some leftover wooly mammoth teeth in a prop closet from Clan Of The Cavebear. Can you tell I'm one of those people who abides by the strict rule of "if you can't say something critical about someone, then keep your damn mouth shut?"

And who knew vampires rode Hover Boards! I certainly didn't. At least, that's what it looked like to me when they all were looking like a bunch of Israelites fleeing Egypt. Eric, does Marty McFly know you broke into his house and snagged his Hover Board? And another thing, I was wondering about that police raid. Now if the law enforcement in Shreveport was no better than in Bon Temps, how on earth would they go about arresting any vampires at Fangtasia? Cause quite frankly, Bud and Andy couldn't pull off raiding a treehouse full of 8 year olds who'd been stealing cookies out of the cookie jar. Then I read in Dead Until Dark about the raid at Fangtasia. The cops had a special paddy wagon outfitted with silver bars and silver lining inside it. And the cops were actually vampires themselves! Boy, I'll bet they're real popular at a tribunal.

"I like your gun. Can I hold it?" No, that wasn't Bill. That's what Sookie was thinking when she asked Bill to stop for a minute. Yeah, sure. She just needed things to stop, my foot. She was planning on nailing Bill and his fine, fine shootin' instrument until that fucknut of a cop showed up and ruined it all. Bad cop *slap, slap*.

DIANE , DOES ELVIS KNOW HIS GOLD LAME IS MISSING?

Episode 3, Mine. I just love this episode. Why? I dunno, I just do. I think mainly because it has so many things happening all during the show. And we hadn't yet been subjected to Jason and his fuckee-doodled v-juice trips. Damn, I hated those things! And also because it was the first time we really got a good look at the inside of Bill's house. Seriously Dude, I say dis wid all due respect - you ever hear of a little show on TLC called Curb Appeal? You need to score a satellite dish or may a comcast hook-up. Or even better, you and Eric could do one of those Trading Spaces things. I do realize that you've spent a whole lot of time and money fixin' up that kick ass bathroom you have, but damn! Your downstairs looks like massive epidemic of small pox blew through Bon Temps and landed right smack-kadab on your parlor walls! And I say dis wid all due respect.

Now I know it's very, very important to have that big ole comfy bathtub so that your lady love will have a place to soak her sore cooter after you have finished de-flowering her. And let's don't forget abut Eric. He's your befri and where else is he gonna do a B & E and then stretch his fine, long-legged self out if not in your massive tub? You do have a way of looking out for your homeboys. And Eric just has so much damn fun humilating you while chillaxing there too. Oooh, and let's not forget about your new income tax deduction! She's never gonna come out of the bathroom now. Daddy, can I borrow the car?

But about those friends of yours...............we need to discuss that. Yeah, yeah, I know they are all G.O.N.E. But we can still discuss them and hopefully you'll see the error of your ways. They seemed to be a tad - how shall I saw this - common. Yeah, that's the word. Especially that Liam! I have to side with Jason on him. He's one freaky looking dude. I haven't seen anyone that fuckin' freaky looking since Pee Wee Herman. I remember when Jason was watching that video with Maudette. Liam starts going all Michael Phelpsish with his back and neck and shit. On the freak scale of 1 to 10, he's about a 16.

Diane, where DID you score that dress? I haven't seen that much gold lame on one person since Elvis in Loving You. Although you look remarkably like a young lady who works down the road around here at the Dollar General, I get the feeling that you weren't very nice even when you were a breather. Actually, you're still a breather, cause your chest sure was aheavin' when you were hanging out the door acting all assholish when the Sook showed up. You might want to work on that. Skank.

Malcom, you just make me want to do the Disco Duck. Yeah, don't be a cluck. WHEREVER did you get those clothes? Did you raid the wardrobe vault from Welcome Back Kotter? But you do pull off the look admirably. I don't think anyone else could wear those double knitwit pants and polyester shirt with the style and grace that you do. And I don't think anyone really wants to. You are a man among men. I can only hope and pray that you weren't wear those gold chains when you got the Eternal Flame. It would be such a shame to deprive the rest of the world of such treasures.

Sookie, you shouldn't have been so mean to Bill. It wasn't his fault that his frat party got a little out of hand. If you can't hang, then you can't hang! Now maybe things did get a little intense there a time or two, what with Diane and Liam about to dive in for a little summin summin, and you having to watch The Heroin Queen polish a pork sword. Then there's Bill just smackin' his lips and about to grease down on the Jerry. And let's don't forget about YOU WERE ALMOST CHOKED. No, we musn't forget about that. But that's no reason to get all Leona Helmsley on poor Bill. Cause that's the way a vamp rolls! And what do you mean, you couldn't stand to kiss Bill after them? Honey, I expect I would wade through a 50 acre field of pig shit for a kiss from Bill. Really,you need to get over yourself.

Then you show up at his house the next day IN THE DAYLIGHT, peeking all through his windows and just being downright nosy as hell. And I do believe that was you stretched out on his front doorsteps, giving old sassy lassie a good rub down. Yep, there's no better way to get the attention of a man than to be sprawled out on his front steps while causing your vision to go bad. At least that's what my mama told me would happen.

Gotta go. I need to go get some new glasses.