A Vamp For All Seasons AKA The Incredible Hunk

A Very deserving Charity for our Favorite Vampire!

2011-02-07T16:55:00.000-11:00

Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin have made a request of all of you True Blood and Stephen Moyer fans. And you know who you are. They are asking if we will support this very worthwhile charity.

EYECON - IT TOTALLY ROCKS!

2010-11-18T15:46:00.013-11:00

I know I'm running a bit late with this write-up about my wonderful weekend at Eyecon during the first weekend of November, but hey, gimme a break. I'm a gimp. And a lazy one at that.

To begin with, why is it called Eyecon? Beats the heck outta me, but whatever it's called, I do know one thing. It's F U N! I had the most wonderful time. And I wasn't the only one. All my fellow Billsbabes had just as much fun as I did. It's been a really long time since I felt so relaxed and ready for some fun, just for me.

Early on Friday morning, I hopped into my trusty, but very dusty red Jeep and drove down and met up with my good friend and fellow Billsbabes Nina. We cruised on down the highway ala Thelma and Louise (minus shooting a guy at a juke joint. We couldn't agree on which one of us would actually get poked by a drunk and which one would do the shootin', so we just decided to forget it) until we reached Orlando, Fl. Orlando is often the desired destination for all things fun in the sun and this weekend was no exception. We arrived and checked into the beautiful Florida Hotel and Conference Center, and before long we were banging on the door of our ringleader, aka The Bag Lady. I'm sure she's been known by other names, but hey, this is going to be a "G" rated post, so I won't repeat those. We had to wait in the hallway until she found her shirt and put it on and I don't know what was up with that, but I believe in going for the gusto and I'm not here to judge.

As much fun as it was meeting the fantastic actors from True Blood, I have to say that it was more exciting to finally get to meet, face to face, some of my fellow Billsbabes that I've been talking with either online or by phone. I was positively giddy with excitement! I was giddy with other stuff too, but we won't go into that.

Later that evening Nina and I, along with Michael, Renee, Margaret, Anjanette and Ruth, made our way downstairs to the Meet and Greet Cocktail Party. Those cocktails were a little hard to come by, but after downing one Marguerita that my bud Renee volunteered to stand in line for (pidgeons had started roosting on her head, thinking she was a statue), it wasn't long before the main event started. In through the doors arrived our highly anticipated guests, minus Joe Manganiello. Sam Trammell, Allan Hyde, Kristen Bauer van Straten and her incredibly handsome husband Abri arrived to squeals and applause. Photos weren't permitted, so you ain't gonna be seeing any from that. There were a lot of people there jostling and shoving in order to see their favorite stars, so we didn't stay a real long time. We decided to make our own fun, so we soon hit the road in search of thrills and chills at Planet Hollywood at Disney After Dark. Oh, and I was about to forget that we had a surprise visitor show up unexpectedly. He was a long legged, big footed fellow and he was totally diggin' his homies at Planet Hollywood. We could hardly keep the honeys off him.

Saturday morning, after a splendid breakfast and one of the best omelets I've ever eaten, we got all dolled up and ready for the Q & A with Joe Manganiello. As you can imagine, the screams and "oh yeahs" were so loud and plentiful that I'm sure we scared off every dog in a 50 mile radius. In case you hadn't noticed., Joe is quite the nice looking feller. He began by telling us a bit about himself and his background, such as how he got into acting, what he's thinking about doing now other than playing Alcide and what it was like to work on True Blood. He graciously answered tons of questions from the audience. We were told ahead of time that we couldn't ask him to remove his shirt, so that sorta rendered me as mute as a mob witness and I just couldn't think of a thing to ask him after that horrible disappointment. It seemed like he'd only been talking a few minutes, then it was over. There were a lot of sad, sad faces in that audience. But we had to soldier on.

And soldier on we did with the adorably cute Allan Hyde. He's such an amazing actor. There wasn't a single trace of Godric, other than the soft spoken voice and manner, about him. He's funny, outgoing and full of Denmark charm and has absolutely the sweetest smile! I'm thinking he probably left there thinking there are some strange womenfolk there in the land of Mickey and Donald. And from what I hear, the birds gave him a cute little giftie while visiting Disneyworld later that weekend. He answered tons of questions about himself and just charmed the eyeliner off all of us.

After breaking for some much needed sustance (I'm lying through my teeth here, cause I could go without 3 squares for about 3 months and still be totin' a load) we got ready for the Pictures and Autographs. And what fun it was! It was so great to be able to meet and talk with Sam, Pam, Allan and Joe. Sam is just the bees knees! Those blue eyes of his could sure make a good Christian woman think about sin.

There wasn't much time after this activity until the Banquet was scheduled to begin. We barely had time for more than a quick swipe and a piddle before we had to make our way down to the banquet area and get lined up. I, along with Nina, had the great luck to be seated with the beautiful Kristen and her smokin' hawt husband Abri. Ladies, you want to see a beautiful couple, then look no further. She's just as beautiful as she appears on screen. But that's where the resemblance to Pam stops. She's just the sweetest, friendliest thing! And that husband of hers has an accent that could make wooden ice cubes melt and totally cause an eargasm. You can see the love those two have for each other. It was downright humbling. And for an old cynic like me, I'm surprised it didn't make me nauseous. We had a wonderful time talking with them and getting to know a few things about them and their life during dinner. I was just about too excited to eat. Notice I said "just about". Nothing ever gets me that excited. And that's a shame, cause quite frankly the food was a little suspect. Kinda rough going for the taste buds. Hell, I think I saw the dinner plates trying to escape through the back door so they wouldn't be charged as an accessory after the fact. But hey, we didn't come there to eat. We came to have fun and fun we did!

The Fangbangers Ball. That name just about says it all. Costumes were not required and yours truly didn't dress up in any costume other than my usual traveling clothes, but there were some really original and fantastic costumes there. I saw more Lady Gaga's than a MTV marathon. I saw Eric, Queen Sophie, lots of Sookie's, a Laffie or two and enough vampires to drain the entire convention center before dawn. Everyone sure looked like they were having a great time. I'm not too steady on my feet and the Good Lord didn't see fit to bless me with rhythm or coordination, so I just sat and watched the young folks slinging a hoof and enjoying the music and atmosphere. I don't think I've stayed up that late since the last time I had to find somebody to post bail. (Just kidding!)

Sunday morning arrived much too soon and although we were sad about it being our last day of fun and stalking, there was also the excitement of knowing we would soon be treated to the Q & A from Kristen aka Pam Our Favorite Vampire. She was so entertaining and fun to listen to! She told the greatest stories of being on the set with Alex S. (I'm not smart enough to spell his last name), Denis O'Hare and other cast members. She had us all in stitches! I tell ya, the girl missed her calling, she'd make a great stand up comedian. After she had finished entertaining us, there was still more awesomeness to follow. Her handsome and talented husband Abri treated us to a wonderful concert. He is such a talented young man. And he ain't hard to look at either. His CD, Sunlight and Shadows has become one of my favorite pieces of ear candy. It's just downright amazing.

Can I get a "hell yeah!" for Mr. Sam Trammell? He totally lives up to all the hype. His Q & A was such a treat for us all. I've already reported on my thoughts about meeting him, so I won't prolong this long-winded post any further. I know you all are relieved.

And I need to give a holla out to the event owner, Kenny. He is such a sweetie! A sweeter, nicer young man you couldn't meet. He really made us all feel welcomed and made sure we were taken care of. Thanks Kenny. Actually, the entire staff was super to one and all. I know they must have been dog-butt dragging tired by Sunday night, but you wouldn't know it. Thanks to you all!

Sadly, before long it was time to get our things together, say our good-byes and get ready to make the drive home. With long, sad faces we hugged each other as we repeated over and over how much fun we'd had, how great it was to finally meet each other and how we just couldn't wait until the next opportunity to do this again. It was a great weekend and if you ever get the opportunity to attend Eyecon, then do yourself a favor and GO!

SAM TRAMMELL IS MY NEW HOMEBOY!

2010-11-13T14:25:00.005-11:00

I had an intensely great time at Eyecon in Orlando Fl this past weekend. I got to meet four, yes count 'em, four stars of the fabulous True Blood! Sam Trammell, Kristen Bauer van Straten (along with her mega sexy-sweet husband, Abri van Straten), Allan Hyde and Joe Mangneillo. Jealous yet?

One of the the highlights of this past weekend was meeting and talking to Sam Trammell. Yes ladies, he's just as adorably handsome in person as he is on screen. He's a true sweet southern charmer, who's mama sure raised him right. He was sweet, polite and cordial to each and every fan, every time he met one of us. I can't imagine how overwhelming and tiresome it must have been to be accosted continually by a bunch of overzealous fans. But I must say, he handled it like the pro that he is.   He has a way of making each and every fan that he spoke with feel like he showed up just for that person. Sam, if you ever read this, rest assured that a lot of middle aged housewifes left Orlando Florida with a huge crush on your handsome self! You rock!

One of the most entertaining activities offered to us were the Q & A's (that's Questions and Answers for you Eyecon virgins) by the guest stars. Sam, of course, had each and everyone of us eating from his hand within the first 10 seconds. He was funny, engaging, animated and just downright adorable! Great questions were asked by the audience and great answers were given by Sam. Except those that had to do with what was gonna happen in season 4 that is! His lips were sealed and nothing, not even our pitiful begging could loosen his lips. Yeah, he's a tough one alright!

One of my favorite parts of the convention was the autograph and picture session. Sam graciously signed all sorts of pictures, shirts, Eyecon badges, posters, DVD sets, and other stuff that I just can't remember.   Like I said, every person who came to his table was treated like he was there just for them. He posed for so many pictures that I'm sure he had to use a crowbar to get the smile from his face before he could eat supper. But he looked like he was having as much fun as we were. I sure hope so.

I didn't sit at his table during the banquet, but if the goofy grins and dreamy looks of the ladies who were at his table is any indication, they sure had a great time. I was privileged to sit with Kristen Bauer van Straten and her handsome husband Abri.   I'll write about that in another post. I know everyone is on pins and needles and just can't hardly wait. *snort*

Bill who???

SPRAYED ROACH CRAZY!

2010-08-05T17:24:00.001-11:00

Well, I've come to the conclusion that this episode is all about......crazy. And nothing or nobody is more crazy than Tara's very own Sir Wacko-A-Lot, as he's got her hog-tied to one of Talbot's prized antique chairs that probably held the ass of Lucretia Borgia or something. But whomever's ass it once held, it's obvious to Talbot and his highly sensitive snoot meter that Tara and Franklin are just completely wrong for his decor. As he and Franklin snarl and throw fangs at each other and just have a pissing contest in general, in through the doors come The Three Amigos, still chortling and black-slapping each other like they've just completed the back nine at Pebble Beach while Lorena twirls the bloodied, sequined top of that poor ravaged girl. Maybe she’s gonna learn to pole dance and strip in an effort to entice her beloved William back into her cooter where she so clearly thinks he belongs. Screechhhhh......needle off the record time. Bill is suddenly as silent as a dog's fart and looks completely gobsmacked as he rounds the corner and catches sight of Tara. All eyes are on Bill as Tara demands to know "what's wrong witchew" as his face closes up tighter than a hawk's ass in a nosedive as he turns away and refuses her plea for help.

I guess I have a confession here. I am all into Frankllin Mott. I don’t know if it’s the way he totally rocks those scruffy, pointy toed cowboy boots or the way the fucked-up crazy just rolls off him like gas from an egg sucking dog, but he’s quickly become my next to favorite vampire (Pam is still No. 1) When he shows up, ya just know he’s gonna be bringing the crazy/funny and you’ll be laughing so hard it could bring tears to a glass eye. Case in point: which other vampire’s only line of defense against being reprimanded for not only dragging around another girl and possibly leaving another mess for King Russell to clean up, and doing in a group of elderly church ladies at the casino’s in Biloxi (these had to be Catholic church ladies, cause Baptist church ladies certainly wouldn’t be caught dead - or maybe they would – in a gambling den of iniquity ) is “they wouldn’t let me have a turn!” No vampire I can think of. But I don’t think Tara shares my infatuation with this sprayed roach crazy huge freak though. Most of the time when he’s around her Tara looks so damn terrified and uptight that you couldn’t shove a greased BB up her ass. But ole King Russ likes him! Or rather, likes his work. He’s mega impressed with the collection of information about this strange girl with the magic nookie that seems to have half of Louisiana’s vampires under her spell. And he just grins like it’s nickel night at the whore house and he just scored a whole roll of them suckers when he hears that the one and only Sookie Stackhouse is in Jackson. But alas, things are starting to look a bit bad for our pretty boy Bill. As Gomer the Pyle would say “what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.” As Russell begins to grill Bill (a little nod to season one) about the folder of Very Incriminating Shit that Franklin found at his home, Bill tries, not to convincingly might I add, to deny and evade the issue in the vain hope of having the king as confused as a blind dog running around in a meat house. Nope. He’s not buying it Bill.

Sookie’s not having a much better night, what with Mississippi potholes trying to kill her and having to deal with Alcide’s meltdown over the sight of his former sweetpea getting gang raped and branded at the local wolf’s den. Poor Alcide. He’s still completely crunk over Debbie and he’s just a pitiful sight as he sadly tries to explain to Sookie about the way Debbie Pelt use to be before the vamp blood turned her into a raving lunatic. Which she demonstrates to Sookie when she pays Alcide a surprise visit in order to tell him that he’d better keep his yap muzzled about what went on at Lou Pines if he wants to keep wagging his tail another day. Sookie hears all the commotion and comes wandering out of the bedroom right into a shitstorm of crazy. Debbie is all but foaming at the mouth like she’s got rabies or something when she catches sight of Sookie. That Debbie, she’s just the kind of gal you would want to take home to mama. Too bad she doesn’t have a twin. She has that crazed addict’s quiver going on so much that I do hope she remembered to order fries with that shake. And I do believe Debbie has taken the skimpy clothes crown away from our Bon Temps waitress. To tell ya the truth, she don’t hardly wear enough clothes to flag a handcar. I don’t know about tightness though. I think Sookie might have her on that one. Sometimes the only way those britches Sookie wears ain’t too tight is if she got gunshot in the ass and she’s trying to stop the bleeding. Anyhow, later that day, after Sookie and Alcide recover from their visit from Twitch the Bitch, Alcide just throws a fit over Sookie catching a ride on his brain waves and her demanding to know what all this packmaster shit is about. Alcide, don’t you remember what I told you several recaps ago? That Sookie, she might not get you killed, but she will get you into more hot water than a limp dicked rooster headed for the dumplin’ pot.

Well, look who’s come a calling! It’s Eric and he’s none too pleased about being double armed and bum rushed into King Russell’s house, but Talbot sure seems happy as he gets all sprung when he sees what’s standing there. It’s dick on the hoof, and lots of it. Eric waste little time with small talk as he immediately starts in to running his yap about looking for a missing vampire from his territory who’s suspected of selling V. Russell already knows Eric’s full of shit and is shooting lies from his ass with the rapid fire speed of a politician the day before election so he totally sets Eric up as Bill walks into the room and pretty much informs Eric that he’s a lying sack of shit. Russell and Talbot make some snide comment about how Eric and Bill must be stupid for arguing over a human and ignoring THEM, but when it comes to the magic nookie I guess all bets are off. I’m sure when Eric hears Bill announce that “Sookie is no longer mine” he probably springs wood the size of Butterball turkey and his eyes glazed over. Finally Eric shakes the dream of Sookie’s cooter from his head and gets to the most important bidness at hand He tells the king about that evil cocksucker the Magister who’s holding Pam hostage because of the V selling and he’s gonna kill her unless Eric produces a sacrifical goat in the form of Bill Compton. Personally, I think the Magister just needs to take his mean ass on back to Juniper Creek and get busy harvesting and fertilizing those eggs of one of his daughter’s so he can impregnate his ex-wife.

Russell has Other Major Shit going on right now and really doesn’t have time for dealing with guests, but Talbot is more than happy to take over and show him “everything”. In no time at all he’s showing Eric some rare Japanese erotica. Subtle much Talbot? Eric is laughing and acting all sexy and flirty with Talbot, who probably thinks that before the night is over he might be Rump Rangering all over that tall drink of blood as Eric is eyeballing all the rare collectibles and treasures that Russell and Talbot have accumulated over centuries when his eye is drawn to a display of crowns. Eric recognizes one of them as he reaches inside a glass case and picks it up. We have another Long Time Ago flashback to Eric’s days as a human. A freshly fucked Eric, still basking in his post coital afterglow and dressed up in viking garb comes strolling into the dining hall holding the stiffest, most wooden looking baby I’ve ever seen. It’s his sister. Now I know it’s kinda hard to make use of a real human baby on this show, but come on folks. This kid looks like she’s made of a piece of fat lighter stump stovewood that somebody hastily rounded off one end to resemble a head and stuck a few wispy baby looking hairs on it. But having a stiff looking baby sister is the least of Eric’s problems as his father, who appears to be a king of some sorts, lights into him about being a total slacker who’s only ambition in life is chasing tail. Eric doesn’t exactly appear like he’s taking this ass reaming to heart as he just shrugs and gives his daddy the ole “so the fuck what?” look before he gets up and heads on back into the goat room or whatever it is and starts pounding the milk maid like he’s shoeing a horse. If ever there was an occasion where pussy saved a man’s life, well this would be it as all hell breaks loose in the dining hall. Eric rushes back only to find his mother and baby sister lying dead in a pool of blood as several vicious wolves are milling about. Eric draws his sword and goes after the one who’s making tracks to the door with his father’s crown in his mouth as some dark, hooded figure tells him to chill the fuck out and not try to be a hero. Poor Eric can only run back and listen to the dying words of his father as Eric vows to get vengence.

While all this is going on with Talbot and Eric, upstairs in one of the bedrooms crazy ole Franklin has Tara all decked out in a pristine granny looking white gown as she is tied up to all four corners of the bed by drapery cords. Uh oh, Talbot is really, REALLY gonna throw a fit over that. You two crazy kids had better be careful and not get any blood on them. Anyhow, poor Tara is really doing her best to act like she’s just really down with all this crazy and is trying to keep Franklin on the happy side of psychopath. Awe, come on Tara. Don’t be harshing Franklin’s buzz! He just wants to impress you with his texting skills. Franklin, you are fast. I’ll give you that. But I’m still not sure if you’re faster than my grandaughter. Really. I’m not kidding. But soon all good vampires have to retire for the day, so Tara just bides her time until she’s sure the house is so quiet that not only can she hear a cat piss on a piece of cotton, she can also hear a tadpole fart from under a bridge before she quickly makes her way out the front door and hauls ass across the front lawn. Damn, that kid can really hoof it! But apparantely not fast enough as she’s chased down by Coot the Wolfman. I cannot even begin to imagine what she must think when she sees that wolf turn into a naked man. I’d say that conjours up an ass pucker factor of at least ten. It sure would for me. Franklin is, understandably, all bent out of whack over the love of his life with the electric attraction trying to escape. He squalls big old bloody crocodile tears and sounds like a pineknot going through a buzzsaw as he wails out “why Tara, why? You don’t know how much you’ve hurt me.” Yeah Tara, you’d better come up with something quick as this little escapade of yours went over about as well as a pregnant pole vaulter. But our Tara, ever the quick thinker, blurts out that she tried to run away because she’s scared of all those other vampires. Tsk, tsk Tara, you just have no faith in your man. If there was anyone I’d trust my life and well-being to it would be this whack job. Later that day Franklin comes into the dining room and wants to know why she crying AGAIN, just tell him who’s upset her. Now ya’ll, I’d be a mite upset too. Nothing gets me squalling faster than not getting my three squares of vittles, and there’s no telling how long Tara’s been on starvation highway. I expect she’s so hungry that her stomach had rubbed a blister on her backbone and she could eat a rag off a sore toe. But not daylillies. She can’t eat daylillies. Have you ever tried them Tara? I’ve always heard that enough mayonnaise will make anything edible. But no matter, as Franklin pulls out the piece de resistance. The promise of a trip to Shoney’s in Vicksburg AND a marriage proposal. And said all the good ones are already married?

Meanwhile, back in Bon Temps we have Sam and the whole drama with mama ‘n ‘ them. He’s decided to give them a place to hang Joe Lee’s piss yellowed skivies as Joe Lee and Tommy are hard at work throwing big trash bags and glaring with all the “FUCK YOU, NO! FUCK YOU” looks of a father and son who obviously have a great bond between them. Not. Soon Terry Bellefluer shows up, all but pissing himself with excitement because he’s gonna move in and play house with Arlene. I think we need to check back with him in a few months and see if he’s still this excited. Flower wilting morning breath from a pregnant woman who has just hurled will tend to snuff the excitement out of anyone, even Terry. Anyhow, Sam gives Tommy a job at Merlotte’s where in no time at all Lafayette has Tommy outside explaining all the fine points of different blunts when Jesus shows up. Lafayette is convinced that his crazy ole mama has died, but it seems that Jesus just wants to tape his ass.

Night shift at Merlottes is one busy muthafucker. Arlene is still throwing hissyfits over being overworked, she’s terrified of looking Jessica in the eye, Jessica is all upset from seeing Hoyt with some other chick and is fuckin’ with Arlene about tips and Joe Lee is screaming at Tommy over the phone. Sounds like my house on Saturday night. Anyhow, later Tommy and Sam are piled up on the sofa at Sam’s place discussing the varieties of cat calls when Joe Lee shows up throwing another example of a sprayed roach fit. Sam is all like “wtf?” as he’s trying to figure out why Joe Lee is so off the chain. Tommy’s not saying, but Sam knows it’s some Very Bad Shit. Anyhow, thankfully he throws Joe Lee out on his itchy, drunk ass as he give Tommy the ole stinkeye and demands to know what’s going on. “Nuttin” says Tommy.

There’s some more stuff going on with Jason, the sheriff’s department and chasing Crystal Norris. But quite frankly I don’t even care, and I don’t think you do either. So I’m just skipping that cause this thing has grown longer than Franklin’s fangs.

Upstairs at King Russell’s, Bill is flopped out on the bed as he tries to figure out how he went from being the most favoritest vampire at the mansion to thinking that he probably couldn’t even pay anyone to piss down his throat if his guts were on fire when dumb ole Coot comes busting through the door. He immediately earns a loud hoot from me as he hollers out “kinda edgy ain’t you batboy” as Bill flies into the air in attack mode. Classic. Anyhow, Coot just never knows when to keep his yap shut as he starts to goad Bill about his little piece of Bon Temps country ass. Bill just completely nuts up and gives Coot what for, along with those beefy burly guards and manages to get his ass out of there. In the process he completely destroys that special bed that Talbot had such a hard on over and I got the feeling that’s not gonna win Bill any extra points. But Bill’s all about finding Sookie now, and find her he does. Sookie hears Alcide call her and she walks into the room to see Bill standing there in all his hotness. She runs into his arms and I swear I don’t know how she stopped herself from dry humping him right then and there, but no matter because King Russell and his ever loyal band of lupine idiots come in the door and captures Sookie, but not before she shows them she’s got magical skills of her own as the ole lightening bolt shoots from her hand again as King Russell throws back his noggin and crows “FANTASTIC!”

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

2010-07-23T14:23:00.004-11:00

Alcide Hervoux is hunched over, in all his magnificent shirtless glory, as Sookie plays Nellie Nurse and is cleaning the blood from his back with what appears to be a bottle of alcohol and some gauze. Yow! Talk about your Burn Notice! Anyhow, as he's trying to explain to her about how he feels about Debbie, the Sook's phone rings. It's Bill. And it don't look good. He proceeds to inform Sookie that he's shaking the dust of telepath off him and moving on. Sookie is, of course, heartbroken. Especially when she hears Bill tell her that where he is the only thing open after midnight are legs, namely Lorena's, as The Evil One coyly and smugly nuzzles up to him, slithering like a bitch snake in heat. But it's all a lie, cause Bill's face looks like his favorite dog just died as he hangs up the phone. As Alcide and Sookie commiserate over some Charmin and discuss who does and doesn't have a nutsack, Lorena decides to put the moves on Bill again and try to take another magic ride on his Chilly Willy. But Bill ain't having none of it. Actually he gives her a look that is colder than an aluminum shitcan on the shady side of an iceburg as he drives home his point with a mighty right hook that would make the Bronx Bomber proud as he sends her flying into the hallway, then slams shut those silver encrusted doors. Ouch! Another Burn Notice.

Poor Sam! He's once again deeper than a hog whore's cooter in problems that he just can't solve. But he's gonna try. As he runs outside of Merlotte's hollering for Tommy to fly back to the home roost, he starts to sniff the air like he's getting a ripe whiff of some sort of vittles being cooked. I just love it when he and Bill sniff the night air, like they're two prized redbone hounds who are about to tree a coon.    Anyhow, he finds Melinda and Joe Lee using his parking lot like it's an RV campsite. They've fallen on "hard times". Sam really lays into Melinda about Tommy's trying to rob him and that he thinks they showed up only to take advantage of him. Melinda seems somewhat contrite and sorry for what's happened, but the only response from Joe Lee is that Tommy just makes his ass itch. I dunno Joe, I'm going out on a limb here, but I'd say the ass itching hails from those nasty briefs you insist on wearing. Just a thought. And I hear Desitin does wonders for an itchy ass. It works at my house.

Sookie is sitting up beside a sleeping Alcide ( I wonder if Alcide howls in his sleep. You remember how Sam use to *whoof, whoof, growl* in his sleep?   Just stands to reason. ) crying her eyes out as her phone rings. It's Tara. Seems Tara has had some entertaining problems of her own as Franklin Mott has managed to track down the love of his life. He's really some twisted fuck. Actually he acts like once upon a time his engine was running, but since there was nobody to drive it, he just gave up and turned it off.     He, of course, glamours Tara into letting him in the house as he picks her brain about everything Sookie and Bill related. He seems surprised to learn that Sookie's a telepath and then he insist on Tara calling Sookie up to find out where she is.    Anyhow, Tara is being completely mind-fucked by Franklin as she tries to convince Sookie to let her come and do the ole bff thing. But Sookie either isn't in the mood for a heart to heart or else she's gonna look under the covers and check out Alcide's "equipment" before long and had rather not have any company. Rats! Franklin is foiled again. But that Franklin, he knows how to make the best of a bad situation. He goes in fang deep for some Tara plasma as she screams her head off.    Love hurts, love scars.

Oh my. Sookie The Vampire Fucker is sitting up in bed as she sees Eric come floating down to her window, like some gigantic misquito. I wonder how long his holding time is? I mean, if she left him out there, how long could he hover before he fell like some peanut-ladden turd? Just wondering. Anyhow, she, of course, invites him to come inside after inquiring if all vampires can fly. He replies by asking if all humans can sing. Well, yes and no. You see, there are some humans who can sing and don't know it, there are some humans who can't sing and still don't know it. Like a certain lady at my church. She has labored under the illusion that she can sing for quite a spell now. In reality she sounds somewhat like a mule passing wind after chewing on bumblebees for a few days.    But back to Eric.....he comes inside and Sookie just blows him away with her talk of smelling his memories of how he played by the north sea as a child.   I tell ya, Eric about lost the snap in his elastic with that one! I wonder what my childhood memories would smell like? Chicken coop shit and biscuits a bakin'? Then Sookie drops her robe to reveal a killer body all decked out in next to nuttin' as she shows him a few of those moves he's only dreamt about. Alas, it's but a dream, as he snaps the fuck out of it as he watches with all the enthuisium of me watching two roaches fuck as Yvetta gyrates around the pole before she finally gives up and skulks away. I don't care what he says, the boy has caught a bad case of Sookie Nookie fever.

Layfayette is practically going off the chain as he tries to get in touch with Tara so he can tell her she's getting his old car. He really does love his train wreck of a cuz, but all he's getting is her voicemail, so he holla's out about a dozen "hooka's" before giving up.   Ya see, Tara is otherwise occupied. She's currently spending time sitting on the throne. Now normally that wouldn't be such a bad thing, depending on how badly you needed to go, but Franklin Mott, Bon Temps current whack job and chief engineer for the Bipolar Express, has tied her to the toilet and has taped her mouth shut. Guess if you have to be held hostage someplace, sitting on the shitter is one of the better places to be. For me anyhow. Lord knows how many times I'd already be peed by the time he returned. And it's all worth it, cause eventually Franklin returns with a lovely bouquet of flowers that looks as if he fished them out of the dumpster behind the local Winn Dixie. Yessiree, he's a man of means in his tight little jeans. And he has exciting news! They're going on a road trip! As they drive on through the night on the way to Jackson, they pass a sign advertising Slappy's Snack Shack, Persimmons and Cherries. Franklin waxes poetic that if there's one thing he misses about being human, well then it's fruit. Well, if anybody would know about being a fruit, it'd be you Franklin. Cause you're a real hardcore Fruit Loop. I'm jes' sayin'.

Well, it does look as if that crazy Sookie is bound and determined to get back inside Lou Pines. Seems there's gonna be some bullshit excuse for an engagement party for Cooter and Debbie Pelt (fantastic name for a werewolfette btw) and since Alcide just can't resist rubbing cayenne pepper in his wound by watching her get initiated into the Operation Werewolf Pack, he's made his mind up that he's going. Sookie will need a disguise since she's already been seen and all but cooter mauled by a member of the F U Crew.   Alcide's sister Janice comes over with all her disguising tomfoolery, including rub-on tattoo's, and before long we have a new woman on our hands.   Sookie looks like Emma Peel has decided to go all hookah. Once inside Lou Pines, it's a free for all as Alcide can't be seen hangin' all up on her. She somehow winds up at the bar right next to the aforementioned cooter mauler and she has no choice but to play the part of bar 'ho. To prove that she's a real down gal and she's game for anything, she starts tossing back shooters with a resounding "fuck yeah!' until I thought surely she'd be as drunk as Hogan's hog before the night was over. But this was just a warm up for the big show. While all of these shennigans are going on, King Russell and our Billy Boy are having what we around here refer to as jaw time. Russell is grilling Bill on all his duties as errand boy for Queen Sophie. That Russell, he's really something. He blows more hot air than a corn eating horse and Bill - well he's acting more slippery than hog fat on a frozen pond. But finally Bill tells Russell that he worked as a "procurer" for Sophie as he finally just gives up and lights that damn cigar that Russell all but shoves down his yap.   He also spills the beans about Sophie's problems with the Internal Fuckin' Revenue and how she's making Eric sell V for her. Russell's just so damn tickled! But Bill makes sure that ole King Russ knows that Bill expects something special in return. He wants what we all want. Lorena's skank ass permantely and absolutely deader than road kill.

Meanwhile, back at Merlotte's, Jason is bitching cause he and Hoyt can't get their beer fast enough, Arlene is about to sling another hissy fit over being overworked and overstressed, Jessica is trying to learn the ropes of being a hostess with the mostest, and Kenya the Smartass Police Officer is hanging out at the bar lamenting on what a shit deal she's being delt. It does seem as if Sheriff Dearborn has decided to hang up his hemorrhoid cushion and retire. Andy Bellefluer, who btw is so full of hot air that he could blow up an onion sack, is giving Sheriff Dearborn a rousing toast as he's presented with some new kickass cowboy boots. Finally Jason looks around to see just what's holding him back from being the center of everyone's world and comes face to face with himself from ten years ago. You know sometimes Jason is so dumb that if his brain were made of leather he wouldn't have enough to make a saddle for a junebug, but this time he really nailed it. He gave QB1 of 2010 something to think about.

Layfayette, our businessman de jour, has arrived in the little town of Hotshot. He's decided to expand his V-selling territory. But for some reason the powers that be just don't seem to be interested. Layfayette is jumping about, smiling and grinning like a goat in a briarpatch, really laying on his best sell job. But it ain't working, as in he's about to get his ass kicked to Spokane and back, and even worse than that, rednecks are fuckin' with his new wheels. Now we all know that Laffy can whop ass with the best of them, but he's no match for 3 or 4 of these fuckers. He's just on the verge of really getting his ass laid out when Eric the Impaler shows up.   And closes the deal.    As they ride off into the night and Eric chides RuPaul about his lack of selling skills, Eric's phone rings. It's Pam. And is she in a tizzy. Ole Skull Face has decided to raid Fangtasia cause Eric's been sold down the river by Sophie Anne. As Eric gets there in warp speed, he's terrified to see that Pam's been strung up and is being poked and proded with the silver tipped cane of the Magistre. Mean ole fucker. Anyhow, in desperation Pam just completely throws Bill under the train as she hollers out that Bill is the one responsible for the V selling and Eric finally gets his thumb out of his ass and verifies that she is telling the truth and he's just on the verge of tracking down that back stabbing, V selling dipshit Bill Compton. The Magistre tells them that he didn't come to the camel's house looking for wool, so they had better have this shit taken care of within 24 hours or else Pam will be resting permantely in the marble orchard.

King Russell feels like gettin' down to the club, so he and the other two muskateers take off in the royal limo. As they arrive near the friendly confines of a strip joint, Russell orders Bill to find out if his procuring skills are still sharp. Bill ain't really down with this shit, but he reluctantly climbs out and makes his way into the club. And looking hotter than two rats fuckin' in a wood sock, I might add. Dayum! He looks around like he's selecting a ripe watermelon for a Fourth of July picnic until something catches his eye. Poor kid. She's unloved, unwanted, completely jaded by life and all alone in this world. Bill really hates what he's been ordered to do and looks like he's just as soon eat a shit sandwich with mustard than take that poor girl out to the limo, but what choice does he have?

While this is going on in the girlie club, Russell has a little errand of his own. He departs the limo, leaving Lorena alone and telling her to feel free to start without him if their little midnight snack arrives before he returns. I don't know about you, but to me Lorena kinda looked like Big Pussy Bonpensiero looked when Tony and the gang came to get him for a little fishing trip. Scared shitless. But alas, no harm will come to our favorite vixen. Meanwhile inside Lou Pines, it's time for communion. Debbie Pelt has been all but stripped nekkid, lifted into the air and tossed through the crowd like she's a pizza crust or something before finally being deposited on the stage. A wolf pelt is draped across her back and then the weird shit really starts to happen. Russell opens up a vein, fills up some shot glasses and the festivities begin. Debbie is branded like a prized heifer, Coot turns into a wolf and before Sookie knows what's what, the entire bunch, including Alcide, starts to morph into big bad wolves. Last we heard of Sookie she was hauling ass faster than green grass through a goose towards the backdoor of Lou Pines.

Oh shit, I don't even want to describe what takes place in that limo. Poor kid. And I'll just leave it at that.

TWISTIN' THE NIGHT AWAY

2010-07-06T18:49:00.016-11:00

There's nothing like the vision of a bullet, slo-moing across a room to make you look hard and take notice that Bad Shit is about to happen. There's a mad, crazy wolf loose in her house, so Sookie aka The Pistol Packin' Mama fires off a round at this crazed were dude that we are later to learn is named , of all things, Johnson. *Snort* Listen Mr. Were, you ain't the first Johnson to make an appearance in this show or even in this muddied up, maenad decorated ole house. I'm 'jes sayin'. Anyhow, because Eric wants to keep this creep alive so he can figure out who sent him (lots and lots of yelling of "who sent you" will ensue, trust me on this one) he decides to dive in front of the bullet. Hey, there's always the chance that Sookie will fall for the old bullet needs sucking out routine again! Anyhow, as soon as the odor of vamp blood wafts through the room, the were, in a spasm of an addict's delight, immediately shifts back into his human form and heads for Eric's chest. After bitch slapping this fool, Eric finally loses his shit (there seems to be a whole lot of that going on) as he recognizes the mark on the were's neck and just rips into this tallywanker like he's an Egg McMuffin. Which causes Sookie to get that "WTF" look on her face and give a big old gulp. Luckily, there's a fresh grave in the cemetery (it's all kind of convenient when you live right next to a cemetery) so they just throw the dude in on top of whomever had the misfortune to be taking a dirt nap. I know the family of the dead person will appreciate that. I just hope Eric didn't bury the fool face down so the rest of the world could kiss his ass. As Eric explains to Sookie that it's a well used vampire trick to double dip a fresh grave , I couldn't help but think that this sort of valuable vampire information should have been explained to poor Jessica. She could have gotten rid of that body days ago! Nobody ever tells that poor kid a damn thing useful! She's been all but ignored and left to figure out shit as best she can......I'm jes' sayin. As Eric finishes up, he explains to Sookie just how dangerous those weres can be. Sookie begins to thank him for saving her life, but I'm thinking he's much rather prefer that you take him back to your house and ride his viking ship all the way to China. You know, a proper thank-you. After a little bit of discussion with Eric about this Jackson thing she heard in the dead were's thoughts, we are once again validated in our opinion that she is sometimes thicker than a bowl of cold sawmill gravy. Jesus Sookie! Does Eric have to explain EVERYTHING to you? When she realizes that Bill could possibly be in Jackson Mississippi, she flies into a hot fit to get there. But alas, cause Eric is asshole deep to a giraffe in v-selling shennigans with Queen Sophie, he can't just drop everything and go with her. But he's not going to let her get away without warning her to take care of herself and bring everything home in one piece until he has a chance to get a piece.

Poor Talbot is about to have a meltdown over the injuries suffered by his special tapestry rug given to them by the Lord of Glen Daverdoee or something like that, in 1387. I swear, that boy's got more airs than an Episcopalian and there's just something about him that gives me the feeling that most nights all his biscuits ain't baked. Anyhow, King Russell tells him to just chill the fuck out as a burned up mess of a Lorena gets up and shakes her head at Bill as if to say "you really need to try and control that temper" while Bill's fangs are still hanging down to his cajones as he glares at her. I about blew a gasket when King Russell tells Bill that in the kingdom of Mississippi their tolerance level for unprovoked violence is nil. Excuse me??? Mississippi is the top dog when it comes to unprovoked violence! Anyone remember Jim Crow's south? Again, I'm jes' sayin. But no matter, all will be forgiven if Bill will just give up his human telepathic half-fairy annoying as hell little waitress or at the very least turn her, and pledge his loyalty to no one but King Russell. All this talk of having to give up that incredible Sookie Nookie just leaves Bill looking severely constipated and extremely forlorn. Poor little feller. Such a sad little face.....

Does Bon Temps have only one motel? Anyhow, it looks like Tara and Bon Temps newest vampire, Franklin Mott (who btw looks like he was turned while in the throws of full-blown meth addiction) have checked into one of those 5-star rooms and are having some sort of weird, vibrating tantric like sex. Franklin throws his head back , hissing like he's a tomcat or something. Actually, it looks like someone shoved a huge vibrator on high speed up Franklin's ass and he's about to have an epileptic seizure. In fact, it's so powerful and earth-shaking that Tara's eyes roll back in her head and she gets a little of the whole-lotta-shakin-goin'-on effect too. She hollers out for him to bite her, but for some reason he doesn't. Well shit. I just hate when that happens. Things get even more intense as she moans while he flips her on her stomach and hops on back. And for Tara's sake, I'm hoping and praying that his greeting card landed in the right box if you know what I mean and I think that you do. But our Tara is a love-em-and-leave-em kind of girl now, so she waste no time hoping up and throwing on her clothes and leaving Franklin's cheese to twist in the wind. That guy just asks too damn many questions!

Well ya'll, Sam all but comes right off the spool as he flings open the door at the Mickens palace and lets Tommy know that he doesn't appreciate the ole bird-turning trick that all but got him turned into a greasy road pizza with re-tread tire tracks all over it. Now ya'll, this is one of the creepiest and most revolting things I've seen on this show. And we all know there have plenty of them to choose from. I swear, when Sam flung the door open and Joe Lee hopped up off that sofa with his nasty-assed briefs, rubbing down his wanker as it all but flew up out of his fly, I about threw up into my mouth. I know we have discussed this before, but I do believe it bears repeating. It was enough to put me off dick for the rest of my life. I ain't kidding. Anyhow, Sam ain't staying, but just came by to ream Tommy a new one and tell everyone good-bye. Yeah, right Sam. Getting rid of a massive case of termites will look like child's play compared to dumping that bunch. Especially when they show up out of the blue for a little surprise visit at Merlotte's cause, well, they didn't have anything else to do. Like maybe, work? Wash their nasty-assed underwear? Anyhow, Sam looks less than thrilled to see them, but then he feels ashamed of himself as he offers them anything they want for lunch. Judging by the reaction of Joe and Melinda, you would think Sam had just offered to buy them a new house and a Mercedes. Jeez, I heard the chicken fried steak was real good, but I didn't know it was that good. But, of course, before the evening is over he has a showdown with Mr. Father Doesn't Know Best. Besides shoving liquor shots at under-age Tommy, God knows what else is going in that family. I was real proud of Sam for standing up to Joe and all but running them out of his joint. Somehow, I see a lot of heartbreak in this storyline for Sam as he is awakened later that night by his alarm system. It appears that brother Tommy had a brillant idea to take the ole five-fingered discount with what was in Sam's safe. Lucky for Sam he didn't succeed.

There's nothing like an ill-timed phone call to mess up a good evening of putting sauce on a well used Estonian taco. Which is what Pam is busy doing as the phone rings at Fangtasia. It's Jessica, and she got a bit of a problem. Seems Mr. Dead Fucker/Trucker has flown the coup and she hasn't a clue as to what she should do. Now really, you vampires just ain't doing this kid right. Nobody has time for her, nobody has bothered even a twit- whit to teach her any of those import vampire survival skills. Like where and how to dispose of a dead body. She's got a perfectly good cemetery outside her front door just going to waste. Bill, your maker skills just suck. I know you can't help the situation you're in now, but you should just ditch all that "humanity" crap and show her this stuff. Buck the fuck up and get the new Windows 7 program entitled "Maker For Dummies". I think there's even one for Mac called "How To Be A Dynamic Maker In Three Months Or Less". But since you're just too damn busy being kidnapped and held against your will, there's another vampire who's more than willing to take up the slack. Like for instanceTara's hump for the night, Franklin Mott, when he comes knocking on the door of the Compton joint. Jessica is, of course, flamboozled when she realizes that vampires can enter the home of another vamp without being invited and this is yet one more thing that nobody bothered to tell her. And Frankie's mama raised him right, cause he doesn't come empty handed. You should always bring a gift for the hostess, no matter if it is only a rotting ole head in a gift bag. It's the thought that counts. My favorite line of the night? "You sure got some purty lips girlfriend". But he's right. Jessica does have some purty lips. "like a dollop of strawberry jam floating in a glass of milk". (thanks, Mad Men)

Next morning at Merlottes, Sam is explaining to Sookie about his finding that fucked up family of his as she explains to him about Eggs. Sam, ya know, you might want to put in a drive-in branch of some sort of funeral home in your parking lot. It will save on the transportation. Anyhow, Sookie tells Sam that she's gotta be gone for a few days to looks for Bill. While this conversation is going on our favorite red-haired waitress is being probed by some sort of magic cooter wand at the OB/GYN. It sure didn't looks like it was much fun. Seems she's got her a little pretend-Cajun crawfish heading her way and it don't appear to be Terry's. But she lets him think it is cause he just goes into excitement overdrive when he finds out about the little critter. Awe, he's just so damn sweet and needy. As Tara is busy wiping off tables (did anyone notice when she was pulling a draft beer for Jason that the beer was called Turbo Dog Beer?), the phone rings and it's Mike Spencer, the local coroner and funeral home feller that we've seen entirely WAY TOO MUCH of last season. I'm still having issues eating Ball Park franks. I may never get over it. But he is just calling to tell Tara that he's about to plant Eggs and would she like to come over? Of course she does and while she's there she and Sookie patch up things, especially after learning that Sookie paid for Egg's funeral. So now they are once again bff's as all is forgiven.

Those two being at the cemetery is also the perfect excuse for another Bill flashback. As the light fades away we see a large marker with "Thomas Charles Compton" on it start to fade away as the cemetery starts to look like an older version and the headstone slowly disappears. Bill Compton, dressed in old style clothes, stealthly and cauctiously makes his way across the cemetery. I know he's looking down cause he wants to make sure he's taking the right path, but to me it looked like he wanted to be sure he didn't step in a big, hot steaming pile left by some stray mutt. He stops when he sees his home and slowly makes his way up the steps. He is momentarily startled to see a saucer with vinegar and a sponge on the porch. It seems that this was a signal to visitors that someone had passed away from some sort of contagious illness inside the house and perhaps they shouldn't stay, but as Bill leans down to give it a whiff, the door is opened and it's his wife Caroline. Who, of course, is startled and surprised to see a man she thought had died at least 3 years ago. As she tearfullly and joyfully falls into his arms, he is saddened beyond sad to hear of the fate of his children. He is heart-broken as he walks into the parlor and sees his little dead son, covered in pock sores, lying in a tiny wooden coffin. As poor Caroline rushes to comfort a sobbing Bill, she draws back as she notes that he's colder than a Minnesota well-digger's ass and what's up with those bloody tears? As her reason and sanity momentarily leave her, she shoots him in the upper arm in an attempt to defend herself from this "devil". This just breaks poor Bill's heart. I swear, this entire scene was so heart wrenching. Especially when she about pisses her pantaloons when Bill's upper arm grows back after she blew it off with that double aught-six. Yeah honey, I'd be mopping the floor too. Now I have to be honest here, I wasn't especially impressed with the whole Caroline thing. I mean, she just looked entirely too young and healthy to have suffered through not only 4 years of a war where folks all but starved to death, but those terrible years of poverty, starvation and deprivation that followed in the south after the war. But there she was, wearing a new looking dress and looking rather well-fed. It just didn't jell for me. But anyhow, that doesn't matter as before long that evil bitch Lorena shows up. She really angry that Bill defied vampire logic and went to see his human family. Truthfully, Lorena was much more understanding and tolerant of Bill than he was of Jessica. But as Bill drives the wooden grave marker into his little son's grave as Lorena's re-enforces her point, poor Bill just sobs like his heart is broken. Damn.

We musn't forget about The Enstein of Bon Temps, our boy Jason. He's about to take the exam to become one of Bon Temps finest. As he grabs forty winks inside his Renard Parrish road crew truck, he has himself quite a nightmare about taking that test. Everyone there, including Sheriff Dearborn, has a bullethole in the front of their forehead. AND Jason has no pants on. Now ya'll, don't think me overly critical. But enough with the damn bullethole in the forehead thing. We need to move on with this one. I sure hope it doesn't get dragged all through the next 9 episodes. We don't need to try and feed this dead possum all season long. I'm jes sayin'. But as Jason is deep in la-la land, he is rudely awakened by fellow roadcrew member Layfayette, who is about to get a good case of the ass at Jason for laying up in the truck taking a nap. Layfayette, I don't blame you. I'd be pissed too. About that time Hoyt starts bellowing loud enough to dry up the milkcow as he uncovers a dead body which, according to Hoyt, "ain't got no head. The hands are gone too!" Yeah Hoyt, that would skeeve hell out of me too. As the usual suspects show up to inspect the crime scene, Sheriff Dearborn has himself a snot-slinging hissyfit as he announces that he's had all of this horseshit he can take and takes off all his Official Sheriffin' Shit and gives it to Andy as he turns and hauls his polyp-riddled ass to the house. Well, ok.

Since Eric had his werewolf snack on top of Sookie's front door rug, she is hard at work scrubbing the blood off of it when she heard a echoy voice in her head. Ya'll, that's how she hears stuff. It's not regular like talking person to person, it's all echoy and hollow sounding, like you're hollering from the outhouse door on a cloudy morning. She's picking up on something about Eric saying she had a hot little blonde ass, so she jumps up and tries to take the aforementioned hot little ass into the house. But not fast enough as someone grabs her as she gets inside the door. It's Alcide Hervoux, and BOY IS HE FINE! Looking Large and In Charge! Jeez, I about slid out of my chair as the faucet turned on down there where those lady bits are located. I felt slicker than cat snot. Anyhow, he explains to her that Eric Northman sent him to watch out after her while she's gone to Jackson. Now that's a road trip I could enjoy! You can just look at this man and tell he's as much cattle as he is hat. Which is a very good thing, cause WE know who we're dealing with. She'll get a feller killed quicker than a monkey can jack off. For some reason Alcide thinks it's a good idea for the two of them to visit the oldest were bar in Mississippi. It's called Lou Pines and it's a scary/cool looking place, much like Fangtasia. But Sookie displays no fear as she morphs into vixen mode and before long she's gotten the attention of that dumb dipshit who's one of Bill's kidnappers. As he bum-rushes her into what I presume must be The Fuckin' Room and makes a grab for that Incredible Sookie Nookie, she screams as Alcide rushes in and throws a punch. Which, of course, only earns him a nice ass whupping. But friends of Alcide's come to the rescue and those two manage to get out of there with all their parts still intact.

While all of this is going on (shit, there's more stuff going on here than at a John Edwards pool party) we hear the sound of a car horn blowing. It's Eric and he's decided to pay an impromptu visit to his favorite dealer, Layfayette. Now ya'll, Layfayette just ain't in no kind of mood for Eric time tonight. He's had all he wants of Eric AND Pam. But what choice does he have? So he climbs into the car with all the enthusiasm of me going for a colonoscopy. Truthfully Layfayette, I'm just as puzzled as you are as to why Eric is handing over the keys to this fine, expensive ride. It's a gift from Eric. But, I fear, not without many, many strings that will eventually wind up hanging your ass when you least expect it. But what are ya gonna do? While we're discussing these two, there's something I must mention. I don't know what it is, but the chemistry between those two is just palatable. I don't mean sexual chemistry, but it's just something about those two in a scene that just tickles me spitless, almost like a demented and twisted version of The Fonz and Ritchie Cunningham. I just love it!

Whew! Finally, the end begins to approach as we see Cooter, the pack leader of that fucknutted bunch of weres, trying to explain to King Russell just what happened to "Johnson" as a lucious looking Bill slowly saunters in wearing a super-cool off-white dinner jacket. Holy. Shit. That's all I'm sayin'. Lorena snarks that it's Eric Northman who's to blame for that one cause he has a "perverse interest in that waitress". Jealous much Lorena? Anyhow, in an attempt to get Talbot out of the room, the king admonishes Talbot for neglecting to offer Cooter something to drink. Talbot's snoot meter goes into high gear as he gets up and and with much eye-brow raising smarms out "Zima, right?" You'd think he had been asked to bring an empty pickle jar of stump likker moonshine from the way he flounces away. And Lorena is certainly one pissed off bitch as she stand there listening as Bill renounces his allegiance to Louisiana's Queen Sophie and pledges his loyalty to King Russell Edgington of Mississippi. Cooter looks like he really doesn't give a ripe shit, but Lorena's head practically explodes as she realizes that all bets are off as far as her getting the pleasure of killing Sookie. Bill? His face says it all. It's "fuck you."

Bill returns to his silver-doored room with one more splash of O negative for the road as he sheds his jacket. And just because no one invited her in doesn't stop a bitch in love, as Lorena walks in behind him and closes the door. She wants to tap his ass and I can't say as I blame her. But he's having none of it. He's just given up the one he loves, his miracle, and he's in no mood to be pestered. Especially by the likes of her. But sometimes things just happen and there just isn't any explaining it. And this appears to be one of those times. As she rubs herself all over him and plants a liplock on those magnificent lips of his, he just loses it and lays into her neck as that insipid, evil little fool utters some shit about how much she loves him. Well, that wasn't the sweet nuttin's he wanted to hear. He rips open her dress and pounds into her like a nail gun at a barn raisin'. Well, I reckon he did. Now I have discussed this very subject with a few friends. What does he have, a magical zipper? I heard no sound of pants being unfastened, no sound of zipper being opened. How did he get his dick out? Hell, we didn't even get to see his ass! Once again, disappointment has been slung upon me. Shit. Damn. No fair. Anyhow, as she claws his back he just loses all touch with himself and decides that he just cannot bear to look at her mug while he's nailing her ass to the bedsprings. So he does what any man worth his salt would do. He twists her head completely around so that she's forced to look at all those dust bunnies and dirty drawers the maid hasn't bothered to clean up yet. Weirdest thing I ever saw. As Bill has her head all turned around like she's a twisted sister, she eekes out that she does so love him as Bill completely loses his cool and just screams and screams himself into madness. Personally, I think he was going into a nutdown cause he realized that he just banged Lorena and forgot to take his dick out.

COME ON BABY, LIGHT MY FIRE!

2010-06-29T16:18:00.011-11:00

Cooter? Seriously? For those of you fortunate people who aren't personally acquainted with me, then I reckon you don't understand why this just had me more tickled than a fat man trying to pick toe jam. See, in my neck of the woods, we refer to the Big Kahuna, the Big Ram-her Jam-her, the Monster Truck Pit, the Slip That Berthed A Thousand Ships, as a cooter. Now I realize that a cooter is also some sort of turtle looking critter, but not at my house. Cooter stew, cooter soup and cooter pie might be served here on a regular basis, but not on a plate. Now that we've got that little bit of vital information out of the way and you've managed to slap yourself awake, shall we continue?

Well good Lord! Take it personally, will ya Bill? Looks like our boy just didn't take well to being jacked on by a bunch of werewolves. And he's not fuckin' around about letting them know just who the boss is as he tears it up by ripping off furry ears and other random body parts. That man is AWESOME when he gets pissed! Really reminded me of Eric last season, tearing up the ass (and not in a good way if you know what I mean and I think that you do) of Royce Alan Williams down in the danky stanky basement of Fangtasia. You just don't need to fuck with a vampire, and that's just all there is to it. Just as Bill is staring down the biggest, badest wolf of the whole pussweasely bunch, up on a lovely white steed comes riding the King of Mississippi. Who immediately orders the snarling wolf to "heel". Which he does with a pitiful yelp as Bill, totally recognizing royalty when he sees it, cowtows to the King. Which seems utterly riduclous to us regular-ass humans. Except I've been watching The Tudors and it seems perfectly normal to me. I AM THE KING OF MISSISSIPPI!! Anyhow, it appears that this pathetically stupid pack of weres were sent by King Russell Edgington on a special mission to abduct Bill Compton, but certainly not to take his blood. Which is pretty much what Bill wasted no time in informing the king of. "And...and....and they abducted me....and....and.....they took silver to me....and....and..... they drank from my blood..." He sounded just like my kids did when I came home from work, just couldn't wait to tattle about some kind of transgression. Bill, are you a tattletale? I'm just wondering if he's ever going to hang his britches on a nail. Please? Pretty please, with a dead wolf on top? Anyhow, this news of the wolfmen taking Bill's blood just pisses off the King and his face sorta morphs into Bad News For Somebody. So, he does what any king worth his salt would do. He shoots someone. He shoots that mentally challenged dipshit who not only lost an ear when Bill was ripping and roaring, but he was also riding on the top of Bill's car when it went careening down the embankment. Which further proves that he's an idiot. Another one bites the dust. Anyhow, to prove how sorry he is and what a top-notch hostess he is, the King holds out an arm for Bill to hop aboard his hoss. Bill momentarily tries to decline, but that "get 'yo tight little narrow ass up here on this hoss" look from the King pretty much squelched that shit. So off they ride into the midnight. And might I add here that I just love that hokey harpsichord music that plays whenever the king shows up? Like Vincent Price might be lurking behind a bush or something.

Now here's Tara, who's locked herself into Layfayette's bathroom, scarfing down handfulls of pills, all kinds of pills. Honestly, she looked just like me when I finally go nuts when I'm dieting and can't stand it any longer. A large bag of M & M's and there ya go. It's me. Yes, I admit it. I have the willpower of a gnat condom. Anyhow, Layfayette comes bustin' through the door and grabs Tara up, while Lettie Mae is still babbling some crazy-ass shit about Jesus as she realizes that she's completely screwed the pooch as far as looking after her daughter. Honestly, between you and me, I think God just needs to put those awesome smackdown smoting skills that He's been honing for, oh say, since the beginning of time, to good use and send her flying into oblivion. Nothing beats a good smoting. At least not where Lettie Mae Thornton is concerned. You do know the world will thank you for it.

And of course here we have Sookie running over to Fangtasia, looking for Eric to help her solve the riddle of what the mysterious werewolf mark is. Riddle me this Eric. What is it with her? She runs around pretending to hate your dead guts, yet she can't seem to stay away? But Eric doesn't mind that she's there, as he just sits there watching her and listening to her talk. He just doesn't seem to have a lot to say when she's around. I think it's because he can't speak. My school of thought is that the massive Johnson's he's hiding under the table has drained all the blood from his head and he can't move his lips or else he's completely hypnotized by The Eyebrows That Ate Bon Temps. What the fuck is up with those eyebrows? I can't seem to take my eyes off them. Did her make-up person have a huge chub for Joan Crawford? But not to worry about a thing, cause Sookie has some sort of drawing of the Nazi Werewolf Tattoo emblem and she shows it to him. He snarks out an order for Pam to take Jessica someplace, anyplace besides there, as he begins to try and find his voice. She accuses him of blowing her off, but really Sookie, him blowing you off isn't the kind of blowing that he has in mind. I'm 'jes sayin'. But anyhow, she leaves without many answers. Once again he goes into another Godric flashback, this time from WWII. Seems he and The Vapored One (Godric, Eric wishes he knew how to quit yew) pretended to be SS shitheels in order to find out who's fueling the werewolves with vamp blood, but unfortunately Godric has to snap the neck of whatever that thing was before they can learn anything. I'm beginning to think that those two Crime Fighters haven't figured out that the object is to keep the suspect ALIVE if you want to find out shit. While all this coyness, combined with secret trouser tenting is going on between Eric and Sookie, Pam and Jessica are spending some quality times together in the ladies room (I wonder what's on the door ? I know at Merlottes they have Bucks and Does on the restroom doors, but what would it be at Fangtasia? Vlads and Vladettes? Femorals and Himorals?) as Jessica tries to pick Pam's brain about what she should do about her dead fucker/trucker without Pam figuring out what's happened. Well Jessica, I don't know what Pam told you when I wasn't in earshot, but I'm pretty sure she didn't tell you to cuddle up in your little hidey-hole with that stinking, rotting son of a bitch. Yuck! Bleech!

Anyhow, back to Bill. As Bill is introduced to Talbot, King Russell's partner in wanker love for the past, oh, 7 or 8 hundred years or so (now that's a commitment!), Bill begins to realize just how screwed he is. Actually, he could probably shit out about a dozen or so Phillips heads. Especially when he is escorted upstairs to his "room" which features the highly prized bed of some Countess who had a thing for killing virgins and romping around in their blood. Hmmm, that bitch must be an ancestor of Lorena's. Anyhow, as the door firmly closes on solid silver doors, our boy Bill gets a look on his face that says it all. It's "Fuck. Me." Ok, if you insist............

I just have to say one thing: ALFRE FUCKIN' WOODARD!" Did she nail it, or what? Layfayette, in an attempt to make Tara snatch her head from her self-pitying ass, decides to drive her to the Meadowglade Nuthouse so she can see just what real crazy is. Just in case she decides to just give up and give in to the darkness that seems to be such a part of them. And I gotta say that I was just as surprised as Tara. I mean, I sure thought Layfayette's mama had gone on to the land of cloudless day some time ago. But it seems that she's still alive, imprisoned deep in the living nightmare that is schiznophrenia. But that doesn't matter, cause every sentence from her mouth was a holler-out-loud, fall from my chair funny. I don't even want to know if there was a hole in her pocket either. But if the way she kept digging around in there was any indication, I do believe she found a little something down there that made the days pass a little faster. I know it works for me.

If the sounds of Arlene hurling shrimp and taters into the shitcan at Merlottes is any indication, then it does appear like Bon Temps couple of the year will be getting a visit from a little ankle biter before long. God, I sure hope it doesn't have those fuckin' eyes that Jason is so fond of. It does appear that Arlene doesn't seem to be real tickled about it either. Terry? He ain't got a fuckin' clue. But he's never killed anyone by accident, so what else could a gal want in a father for her child? And besides, anybody who keeps a handgun in an institutional sized empty can of green beans is alright by me. That's a man you can count on. Just look at how man times he's saved Sookie's bacon.

I dunno.....there's something about that family of Sam's that just makes me want to go take an ass-scalding bath whenever that daddy of his, Joe Lee, shows up wearing those grimy, dingy "briefs". I swear, the sight of his one-eyed jack straining against the front of that nasty-ass fly (I don't even want to get a visual about what the skid marks must look like) just about puts me off men. *shudder* Talk about low quality pokes! If I were Sam's mama, I would pray to God that I get blessed with a limp-dicked muthafucker every single night of my life.

As Sookie makes her way home from Merlottes, she is startled to see Bachelor No. 2 waiting for her in the shadows of her front porch. I swear, I'm a Sookie/Bill shipper, but if the chemistry between those two gets any hotter, then they are both going to need some asbestos liners in their drawers. Damn. Eric, it might be about time for you to stop the gazin' and get to the grazin, if you know what I mean and I think that you do. And I don't think you'll be needing to twist any arms. I'm 'jes sayin'. Where's Bill? Bill? Bill who?

But right now Bill is busy enjoying his lovely dinner, tux and all, with the King and Talbot. He's been served some sort of tangerine flavored blood soup (I don't know about you, but my mouth is watering just thinking about it) followed by a main course of bullshit as the King begins to unveil his agenda. He wants to make Bill the sheriff of area 2 in Mississippi! On goodie, goodie! In return, there are secrets about Queen Sophie that King Russell is just positive that Bill can reveal. Which he can't, of course. I wonder if the King would be hopping up on his nut about marrying up with her if he knew that she owed the biggest, baddest blood sucker of them all, the fuckin' IRS, a whalenut of money? It does seem that Sophie, in addition to being a silly, annoying little twit, has become broker than a fiddler's bitch. As Bill sits there, trying his damnest not to give the king his vilest, most no-nonsense ole stinkeye - don't even mention trying even harder to keep his fangs where they belong - in comes Lorena. Bill is, shall we say, not especially proud to see her. Actually, he would be happier to see a raging case of bleeding hemorrhoids hanging from his ass. He completely loses it as that smug bitch purrs that she's just in time for desert. Well, I don't think so. Not unless dessert is Flaming Alaska as Bill flies into a rage and throws an oil lamp on her and watches as her sorry ass burst into flames. Can I get a high-five Bill?

SHE TAKES A DICKING AND KEEP ON TICKING!

2010-06-22T09:31:00.007-11:00

YeeHaw! The wait was finally, FINALLY over. As the hands on the clock ever so slowly crept towards 8:45 and the highly advertised AND anticipated 15 minute True Blood pre-show was about to start, I grabbed my popsicles and pork rinds, settled my girlie parts in my favorite chair, and with my excitement level at fever pitch I started watching what disappointingly amounted to a 15 minute preview of mostly other HBO shows. Hmmmm....not exactly what I was expecting. Disappointment, thou doth dog me eternally, but I was still so excited about the return of my imaginary boyfriend Bill and the introduction of my up and coming new imaginary boyfriend, the awesomely hawt Alcide, that I decided to just live in the moment and go with the flow. And what a flow it was!!

When last season ended, we saw a post-meltdown Sookie running from the ladies room to shout out to anybody who actually gave a shat that "yes, yes Bill Compton, I will marry you!" Except.....well....his superfine ass appears to be gone. As in G. O. N. E. You know, like the wind. Hmmm.....there does seem to be skullduggery afoot, even tho not a soul in their right mind would blame him for tucking it in and fleeing the fuck out of there. Sookie, you sure do put the double o in stoopid. I mean really! The hottest, sexiest, sweetest and kindest vampire in the ENTIRE WORLD just handed you an awesome block of bling while proposing marriage to you with a voice that could melt a cooter made of marble, along with plane tickets to Vermont and all you can do is fuck it up? Poor baby, he just sat there, looking all stunned and hurt. And now he's gone. But where is he??

See, I figured there could be several good explanations for this mysterious disappearance. First, I wondered if perhaps he had arranged with someone he could trust in his vampire world to wait outside, with a plastic pretend silver chain, and if Sookie showed her ass and kicked him in the nuts like we all know she's capable of, then they could come inside and do a pretend kidnapping and get him the hell out of there. Enough is enough. You can work on your education and appearance, but you just can't cure stupid. OR maybe he suddenly remembered that he left his wallet in his dressing gown pocket after purchasing that ring from Mrs. Smallwood earlier in the evening and he had to get back before that French chick brought the check. He probably figured Sookie didn't have any money because she gave it all to Jason earlier so he could attend Vampire Killin' Camp (that went well), OR maybe he just forgot to set the DVR to record the finale of American Idol. Some things just can't be missed, no matter what the circumstances. But alas, no........

So our new season begins with Sookie hauling ass outside to the parking lot, hooten' it up and hollering "Bill, Bill......". The French hostess seems a little bit concerned about the rukus until she realizes what's going on, then her vampire-patience level drops considerably as she spits out that it's always fuckin' something with vampires. Lady, if you think vampires are a huge pain in the ass, just hang around Miz Stackhouse for about another 15 minutes. Case closed.

OH GOD!!! They're hurting my Bill! It seems that a wired up gaggle of v-juice loving biker looking dudes have taken him and are doing bad things to him. Really bad things, like sticking him with a red handled paring knife, biting him and treating his blood like it's the inside creamy center of a Cadbury Egg. Just lickin' that shit up. And acting all pervy while they're doing it. I think one of my favorite lines of the episode was uttered during this scene: "Oh shit, I got vamper juice all over my touring gloves". A line like this, spoken from the mouth of a v-juiced, clearly IQ challenged Nazified member of some werewolf related soon-to-be clusterfuck just cements the deal for me. Who in their right mind could stop themselves from loving a show like this? But not to worry, as stupid is as stupid does. Doesn't take my boy long before he's taken control of the situation and snapped the neck of the fucktard driving the car, which sends his beautiful blue BMW flipping off down an embankment. My poor, poor baby! Clearly in pain and weakened by his ordeal, he pulls himself free of the car and stumbles off into the darkness. I couldn't help but think that he looked an awful lot like me, lurching my way to the parking lot after spending way to many hours looking for shoes at the mall.

And speaking of clusterfucks, here we have the most pitiful girlchild on the planet, Tara Mae Thornton, kneeling by the side of the recently deceased Eggs as a white sheet is pulled over his face. When blood begins to seep through from the bullethole in the middle of Egg's forehead, well, it just broke my heart to see those huge crocodile tears cascading down her face and hear her sobs. Damn kid just can't seem to catch a break. But don't worry Tara! Sheriff Dearborn is on the job and if anybody can fuck up evidence and not even come close to solving a case, well it's him. His proudest moment in law enforcement came when he busted that notorious gang of candy corn thieves a few years ago, and since then his crime solving successes have become as dried up as mummy spit. And as we all know, without law enforcement, well we'd be no place as a society. As Tara completely loses her shit and lashes out at Arlene, Layfayette realizes there's no time like right now to get Tara and grab what's left of the tequila and bounce over to Sookie's crib. But, unfortunately, Tara's soon going nutso on her bff Sookie as she finds out that Sookie used her Magical Shit to help Eggs remember why and what he was. Soon Layfayette is having to pull Tara off Sookie like a fox terrier off a dead rat, so he decides it would be best to just crash at his place before things get any worse. Like maybe her nutcase mother showing up,who most days is at least two bubbles off plumb, spouting some of her usual craziness about how she and Jesus are going to take care of her baby. Well, maybe the good Reverend will be of some help too if he'd just stand still long enough for Lettie Mae to dry hump him. And another thing I've been noticing around here, with the exception of vampires, does anyone in that town even own a late model vehicle? I mean, come on! Sam has a safe just packed with the green stuff, yet that Bronco he drives is older than the passing of NAFTA.

And here in Bon Temps, we have another meltdown/crisis on our hands. Our prettiest boy, Jason Stackhouse, is also severely losing his shit as he all but Nascar's his pickup truck into his yard, where he goes inside and completely falls apart. Not even a bottle of beer from the fridge (the usual fail-proof remedy for what ails a redneck boy) can fix what's ailing him tonight. He's just completely and totally freaked out by what he did. I think I would be too. This is about more than his tiny little button sized brain can absorb and process. You know, I was just thinking, that if Jason made a wrong turn somewhere and wound up in Zombieland , those ghouls would get really pissed off about that little piece of nuttin' they had gotten ahold of. So Jason just sits there, like he's waiting for someone to show up and tell him what's he's suppose to do. Which is exactly what happens as Andy the Man With A Plan comes calling. His advice? Start screwing anything that moves. Or as he puts it "dick on, conscience off". Which, when you think about it, is just what Jason would be super-good at. But it doesn't seem to work out that way as his brain and his drain just can't seem to be able to work in unison these day. See, now normally our boy Jason would have the time of his fuckin' (literally) life with two hot and horny honies that he brings home for he and Hoyt to bang. But it just ain't working out, not even a hanky panky, nothing like a good spanky, can make Iron Mike stand up and pound the canvas.

Good Lord, but our cute little Jessica is having a shit of a time trying to take care of her almost/soon will be dead fucker trucker. And Sookie just keeps showing up, bugging the shit out of her with the "have you seen Bill, have you heard from Bill, do you know where Bill is" like a friggin' stuck-ass record over and over and over and over. Damn Sookie! Jessica don't know where the fuck he is! Get it? Now shoo, shoo, go away. Jessica's got a turning to do right now. And then, here come Hoyt, hanging on the door and whining like a lost puppydog. I can tell that Jessica really wants to see him, but right now she's busier than a cat covering shit on a marble floor and she's got more important things to think about. Like how she's going to keep Bill from reaming her a new one when he finds her latest project moldering and festering in his house. But I'll give one thing to her, she thinks fast on her feet. Sookie: "what in the hell is that SMELL?" Jessica: "possum died under the house". Well, I sure understand what she means. Those things sure can raise a stink when they crawl under there and die, especially in the south Georgia heat. God, I just HATE when that happens!

And here we have Sam, driving though the night with an address of someone in Magnolia Ark. taped to his dashboard. It appears he's going to seek out his birth parents and see what he probably doesn't really need to see. Something tells me that this is not going to turn out well. But what ever does turn out well for Sam? He's the posterchild for sad sackism. All the shit just seems to be drawn towards him. And I really hate that, cause he's so adorable and his ass is hotter than a welder's torch during a south Georgia summer. I just want to reach out and grab me a good handfull everytime he walks by my chair. And speaking of hot..............as Sam is looking up something in the phonebook, there's a sudden knock at his motel room door. Guess who it is? It's Bill, and he's shirtless and looking somewhat the worse for wear. But still looking fuckalicious. Sam looks a little stunned to see him there, but of course, being the nice southern boy that he is, he invites Bill inside. And I thought for a minute or two that he was REALLY gonna invite Bill INSIDE. If you know what I mean and I think that you do. But alas, no. We didn't get to see that hard Arkansas water firsthand, as that damn cellphone woke Sam up from his uber-erotic dream of Bill. Which, btw, relieved the pure-dee shit out of Sam. Actually, he looked more shook up than he did when he saw Eric go flying up into the nightair at Fangtasia, and he looked pretty skeered then. Sam, those vampers just skeeve the hell out of you, don't they?

While all this is going on, Sookie is still running around trying to find out what's happened to Bill. Of course one of her first stops is Fangtasia, where she encounters the ever charming smart-ass Pam, who's still my favoritest (is that a word?) vampire of all. But it appears that Sookie's not in the mood for Pam's lesbian weirdness as she's on a search-and-find mission and needs to see none other than Eric, the Big Man himself. And see him she does, as she skips down the stairs to the Royce Alan Williams Memorial Dungeon and finds Eric, completely naked, having uterus bruising sex with a hog-tied and meat-hooked Yvetta, Fangtasia's newest dancer. I swear, after watching this for about 15 seconds, I could feel my lady parts shriveling up and looking for someplace safe to hide. Like a tarapin does when a car is about to hit it. Anyhow, as Eric and Sookie engage in some verbal foreplay, it soon becomes obvious that Eric is telling her the truth and he really isn't hip to the shit of where Bill could be and who could have taken him. As Sookie puts her clit back into her britches and sashays back up the stairs, she hollers back (I see she's a holla-back girl) that he still owes her ten grand. Which causes him to smile, which is a good thing because before long the Queen and Magistar will be showing up, which will wipe that shit-eating grin completely off his face. It seems Eric has gotten himself into a bit of a pickle while trying to do the Queen's bidding. Will someone just go ahead and stake her, please? I can't stand her. She's like a whiny, spoiled little bitch who sees nothing but her own selfish wants and what I want is to see is her skank ass melting into a big shitcan of red, sticky goo. This impromptu visit from The Dynamic Duo in turn forces Pam to go and verbally molest my sweet Layfayette and all but cause him to piss himself as she terrifies him once again by telling him he has no choice but to sell what appears to be an assload of "V" before the sun rises.

OH MY GOD!!! Here he comes again!! I watched him come climbing up out of that black dirt, like some primordial sex machine, ferally sniffing the night air. I was really hoping that he'd taken his good dress pants off and hung them in a tree so's not to get them dirty, but no. Disappointed again. Are we never, ever going to see his ass, ever again? I'm heartbroken that he's not nekkid this time and he not climbing out, dick first, nailing the first piece of tail that happens to be walking by. Sookie, I know you like to think that he knew it was you , but really it could have been me just as well. He was just horny and hungry, in that order. He would have nailed a bullet wound. And little sister, let me tell you this. If anyone can satisfy a big-hanging man's hunger, whether it be plasmatic or spasmatic, well it's me. But as he climbed up out of that dark earth, I kept thinking to myself that surely he'd have to take off those pants cause he was bound to have loads of loose dirt in his cracks and crevices. And nothing is worse than having dirt or sand in places that God never intended a body to have dirt or sand in. Which is why I don't like the beach. No cooter sand for me, thank you very much. I kept hollering out "take off your pants and shake out that loose dirt" but he never did. At least not where I could see it. Sigh.......life just sucks sometimes.

As Bill makes his way to a house with lights in the distance, I kept thinking to myself "now Bill, we all know what happened to you one time when you made your way to a house with a light in the distance. Don't you remember? Things really went to shit for you and if I were you I'd rethink this plan". But does he ever listen to me? No. So here he goes, knocking on the door, where he's greeted by a sweet, little ole white-haired lady pushing an oxygen tank. Her name is Olivia, and she mistakes Bill for her son Stanley. He is soooo not a Stanley. She innocently asks him if he's hungry, and boy is he ever! He lays into Olivia with all the gusto and zest of me on a chicken leg at Sunday dinner. Soon we see him wearing a shirt of Stanley's (I think Sam and Stanley shop at the same place), as he ever so gently glamours all memory of him from Olivia and just to make me love him even more, he puts a mule-choking wad of cash in Olivia's hand and tells her it's from her son. Whom I get the impression is a real shitheel who doesn't pay much attention to his sweet ole mama. I laughed out loud when Bill asked Olivia where he was and she replied that he was in her house. Tickled the crap outta me. But when Olivia told Bill that he wasn't in no Louisiana parrish, but he was in Mississippi, honestly he got a look on his face like someone had sucker-punched him in the nutsack. But he ain't skeered of no howling wolves..........cause HE FED!!!

WE'LL WORSHIP THE TROUSERS THAT CLING TO HIM

2010-05-20T14:56:00.007-11:00

I'll sing to him, each spring to him,
And worship the trousers that cling to him
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

When he talks, he is seeking
Words to get off his chest
Horizontally speaking, he's at his very best

Vexed again, perplexed again
Thank God, I can be oversexed again
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered, am I

The month of May is almost over. As the highly anticipated month of June quickly heads our way (but not fast enough for some of us) we are once again fairly twitching in our chairs as we watch the delicious morsels being strewn our way by HBO in the form of mini-clips, The Buzz and a few other choice delights. The third season of True Blood ever so slowly approaches, like Christmas morning, to a squirming gaggle of excited females. What makes us, normally a fully functioning, rational member of society, act in such a manner? Do you really need to ask? Why, it's the only fix to our addiction. It's the only salve that can soothe the ache we all feel as our groaning eyes catch but the briefiest of glimpses of the pleasures to come in the new season. We need to see him. We need to hear that voice. You remember that voice. It's the one that makes us feel, if we close our eyes for a moment, that we are the loveliest belle of the ball, and we hold all the hearts of the young beaus in our perfectly gloved hands as they all gaze adoringly at us. We have been without for far too long.

Oh yes! That voice..... As Bill Compton, Stephen Moyer has turned the act of merely speaking into an art form. It is as if his brain has fallen in love with vowells, and his mouth is loath to part with a single one of them. His lips cling to them until just the right moment, then, as they finally roll from those perfect lips, the words cascade over us like a great tidal wave of orgasmic pleasure. Yes, he's just that good. As the great, incomparable Ella Fitzgerald sang it best, we will indeed worship the trousers that cling to him.

2009-11-10T15:36:00.009-11:00

SOOKIE DOES DALLAS

It's a night as dark and skeevish as the inside of an outhouse at a Marilyn Manson concert as our very own Jason Stackhouse slowly makes his way back to the bunkhouse of the Elite Death Squad of vampire assassins in training. Sorta like Top Gun for the vampire killers, just without the planes or the brains. He is no doubt thinking about how much a nice, hot bowl of cooter soup would really hit the spot - if you know which spot I mean and I think that you do - right about now. Finally he rounds the last bend and stops in front of the door as he feels the hairs on his neck go into full def-con 4 alert. As he slowly makes his way into the room, he is suddenly jumped from behind by a masked, husky voiced Rump-Ranger Wanna-be. It's the Lukinator and he's not fuckin' around this time. Damn Jason, it's a good thing you weren't coming out of the shower. Something on you would have gotten expanded, and I don't mean your mind. Is that a stake in your pocket Luke, or you just happy to see me? As Jason finally gets up and sees the bloody mayhem all around him and realizes that it's only ketchup and that's he's just been punked by a roomfull of jackerwads, he gets madder than a pit bull looking at a Michael Vick jersey. He returns the favor to Luke by belting him in the nose as he furiously announces "vampires are scary, vampires are not a joke! There's a war going on and you're either on the dark side or the side of the light - and there ain't no in between!" Fuck dude. You're really hot when you get riled up. I'll bet Luke will agree with me too.

Meanwhile, back at the House That Love Built, our boy Bill is all in a dither (again!) as he threatens to hurl sweet ole Hoyt Fortenberry from a window "that is closed!" Well shit. That ain't no way to treat company. Even Sookie agrees with me. All Hoyt was trying to do was get himself a little summin summin cause I don't really think he's ever had a little summin summin. Let's be fair here. You and Sookie go at it like chinchillas at a brothel whenever the opportunity presents itself, so why not let Hoyt whittle his pencil a little? Then Bill just devestates Jessica as he tells Hoyt that it's not Jessica that he wants to protect. Shit Bill. Sometimes I just want to thump you upside your head. Now I have to confess folks, I really didn't get the whole look of embarrassment on Jessica's face when she ask Bill if it's her fault that her fangs come out when she gets turned on. I don't know, maybe I was having a down day as far as smarts go, but I still don't get it. But as Jessica scurries up the stairs, Sookie gets all over Bill's shit. She tells him that he just doesn't like vampires very much. As Billy Boy sits down and explains just how things are now verses how they were when he was turned, Sookie tries to look interested. But all she's really interested in is dragging Bill up those stairs and riding the Big O Train again. Then she coyly makes a suggestion that Jessica accompany them to Dallas. After some wheedling and probably a blow job on the stairs that we weren't privy to, Bill agrees. We thought the Ewings gave Dallas hell. Just wait.

Here we are back at the crick, as Sam and Daphne circle each other like they're about to suma wrestle. As they continue to swim in a circle until I was positively dizzy from trying to keep up with them, Daphne suddenly gets a hard on for some sweet potato pancakes and tries to get Sam to climb on outta that murky, yucky water and join her. You'd better listen to her Sam. I hear they's leeches and even worse in crick water. Can you imagine anything worse than a leech on your slide rule? But Sam is having some issues with ole Daffie seeing his junk. So he declines. That is until she let's him know that she's not only seen boy parts before, but she's seen his and he might as well give it up. She doesn't really look too impressed with what she saw if you want my opinion. As Sam watches Daphne climb from the water, he notices that she's got some really deep, nasty scratches on her back. Sam, unless Daphne's last fling was with Nine Inch Nails, I'll go out on a limb here and say you might need to pass on this little piece of trim. I'm 'jes sayin'.

Next morning Tara and Sookie chop it up on the phone as they discuss the if's and sniff's of Tara moving in with Sookie. As Tara ends the conversation with "love you the most" Maryanne and her large collection of Maryannism's show up and want to know just who Tara loves the most. Well, it ain't you, ya crazy bitch. How do you like them kumquats? Maryanne, of course, tries to get Tara into a partying mood, but Tara's about had enough of whatever snake oil Maryanne's been selling. She tells Maryanne that she's decided to move in with Sookie. Something tells me that this is not going to be Smooth Sailing. But of course, Maryanne pretends to gently nudge a guilty Tara from the nest with a long hug and another one of those mooterfookin' Maryannisms "Go, flourish and don't ever say no to yourself". Now this might be good advice most of the time, but what if you wanted to rub one out while at church? Wouldn't that be a good time to say "no" to yourself? Again, I'm 'jes sayin'.

Breakfast time at the Light of Day Camp is like watching hogs at slop time. Here we have Jason, the Lukinator (looking all the world like Gonzo from Sesame Street with his big purple nose) and a few others wolfing down their food like the winner will get their knob polished by the lovely Miz Sara Newlin. Wait - maybe they will. Anyhow, even the dimwitted Lukinator is spellbound at the sheer stupidity of Jason as they lead a rousing discussion of all sorts of issues a true hater of everything vampire related might need to keep in his arsenal of fucktardedness. Say, like how Lazarus or Jesus was the first vampire. And all about evil and how Europe plays into it all and who can explain Europe? Not me. Just as Jason is about to wolf down a short stack of Aunt Jemima's, there's an announcement over the intercom that Jason Stackhouse is wanted outside by Reverend Newlin, PDQ. Jason practically pees himself as he gets up and heads outside, wondering if The Reverend with the Book-'em Dan-o hair has gotten hip to his shit about those boner's he's been getting over Mrs. Reverend. But it's a false alarm. All the Reverend Newlin wants is a good ole boy to ride shotgun in his jeep and holler "yee-haw!" at the appropriate times when the paint balls find their target. Ya'll, I ain't kiddin'. This guy is fuckin' nuts.

Whoa! It's the birthday gift that just keeps on giving! As Sookie chokes back tears over her missing of Gran, she gives a photo of Gran, Tara and herself to Tara for her birthday. Hmmmm....Can anyone spell cheap? I know it's the thought that counts, but come on. I'm sure Tara was just thunderstruck over such an overwhelming gesture, but I'm sure she herself was thinking the same thing. What? Sookie didn't have enough time between working at Merlottes' and riding Mr. Bill's Magic Rocketship to make it to the mall? Damn Sookie, just a little gift bag from Bath and Bodyworks would have been nice. And Sookie being Sookie, she just cannot stop herself from blabbing to Tara about what happened with Layfayette at Fangtasia. As if there was ever any doubt, this girl does not need to take up being a double-naught spy as a new career move. We'll all be speaking Arabic before Christmas.

Poor Miss Jeanette is looking as fucked up as a person can look as Kenya, Mike the Yucky Coroner and Sheriff Dearborn examine her poor, heartless body and discuss possible ways of her demise and what on earth could have made those horrible scratches on her back. Hey! Over here! I know! I know! When the two buffoons crack wise, lady cop Kenya is NOT amused. And she's even less amused as Detective Andy comes busting in, as usual acting stupid while blabbering on about a pig. They all look at him like he's fucked up crazy at least 15 ways from last Sunday as Sheriff Dearborn orders him not only from the room, but takes all his Official Detective Shit away from him. Awe man! It's gonna be a cruel, cruel summer.

Lafayette hasn't lost his door answering skills as the agradamnvated hostess with the mostest hollers out "damn hooker shit!" as Tara practically beats his door down. When he opens the door, Tara's flies all up in his shit about the gunshot wound. And what's this about him being chained up in a basement and bitten by vampires? Now ya'll, Laffy ain't nobody's fool. He knows exactly where Miss Tara Mae got the 411 about his boot camp with the vampires. The expression on his mug says it all. Like there's nothing he'd like better than to take Sookie and ream her out a new one over her big-ass mouth, but sadly resigns himself to just let it go. Tara makes sure he knows that it's her birthday, but in the state he's in, he just doesn't give a flyin' fuck as she leaves, looking all pitiful and abandoned.

As Sam bustles about Merlottes, acting all busy and shit, he talks to Terry about running the place while he's gone. Now y'all, I love me some Terry Bellefluer as much as you do, but I gotta say this. Terry is the LAST person you'd want to leave in charge of a place as crazy as Merlotte's. What on earth is Sam thinking? Poor Terry all but blows a major cog as he struggles to cope with planning just a few lunch specials. This is not a good move Sam. But Sam is all about Sam right now. He barely responds as Sookie tries to talk to him and find out just what's got his buttcrack so fuckin' chaffed. Hmmmm, let's see here. Could it be because you led him on and let him get a good ole whiff of your tuna casserole as he frantically searched for his money, then announced that you were no longer selling to him? Could that be it? Ya think? But here's an idea! This will get him feeling happier and ready to face a new day in Bon Temps! Tell him that YOU need to be gone for a few days. Even better! Tell him you need to be gone with BILL for a few days to deal with your own shit. Yeah, that outta do it. Sam's really happy now.

Well. It sure didn't take Tara very long to land on Sookie's sofa. She must have stuffed all her worldly possessions in a Wal-Mart bag and hauled ass over there like it's free Pabst Blue Ribbon night at the VFW. For here she is, crying into her imaginary beer and no doubt wondering why she got stuck with such a suck-ass life. You just gotta feel sorry for the kid. Here it is, her birthday and nobody really gives a damn. Suddenly, she hears something. Considering the history of the house with Gran and all, she just can't help but be skeeved out to the inth degree. But this skeeving has a happy ending as Maryanne, Eggs and Carl crash the joint with cake and all the tomfoolery that goes with a surprise birthday party. Of course, Maryanne cannot deliver birthday cake without spouting out some sort of bullshit about "embracing the mysteries of what's yet to come". Come being the key word here........... Tara, I'm with you here. What friends?

Speaking of coming (well, weren't we?) Jason Stackhouse probably has more sticky goo on the inside of his leg than the spackling department at Home Depot. He struggles to pay attention to whatever boring-ass crap Steve Newlin is droning on and on about. Meanwhile, the lovely vanilla flavored Sara Newlin shows Jason all of her perky Dallas Cowboy cheerleader moves as she all but pops the buttons from her little red gingham blouse . And I don't think one of those ribs she's smoking right now is the kind of hot meat she's hoping to have in her mouth. 'Jes sayin'.

Just gimme a "T" for Texas as a totally buzzed looking Sookie comes bounding out of the exit door of the Anubis Airline. Sookie, it's a good thing you got cut off at ten with those doll sized bottles of hooch. You're already, shall we say, goofy as hell at times and I don't think you need to be getting skunked at a time like this. Suddenly, she realizes that the limo driver is up to no good, so of course our boy Bill comes flying out of his Star Trek looking vessel, all vampire fast like, and saves the day as poor Jessica is left to bounce around in hers like a Mexican Jumping Bean. Then Bill decides that some sort of skullduggery is afoot and proceeds to glamour the truth out of the limo driver. In a weak moment and possibly to score some extra Pussy Points with Sooke (as if that was really necessary) he decides to let Jessica do some hands-on training with Glamouring 101. Say no more, as Jessica is a gal after my own heart and wastes no time having the time of her life fuckin' with the head of Leon the Limo Man.

In the meantime our poor Layfayette is still laid up on his sofa, watching Sinbad as suddenly a big bad vampire comes knocking at his window. He looks up and sees what amounts to his worse nightmare. But Eric comes in peace. Cause he's wanting a piece. Real bad. Badly enough to offer Layfayette some of his highly prized 1000 year old vamp blood. The scene which follows is probably, hands down, one of the funniest things I have ever seen on film. It's like Layfayette has suddenly gone into warp speed and is fucking the air, the sofa, the wall and anything else that gets near his air space. As a bored Eric watches, his interest momentarily perked, his cellphone rings. It's Bill and he's all in a tizzy over the almost kidnapping of the cooter that apparantely can launch a thousand ships. Must be nice for your stuff to be so valuable and highly sought after. I reckon mine is just regular cause nobody wants to give away their valuable blood in order to tap my ass. As Bill gets all huffy and starts to ream Eric a new one, Eric reminds Bill of just who's the bottom bitch and who ain't. Bill, I think this conversation is o.v.e.r.

Meanwhile, I don't think Gran Stackhouse's home has seen this much rocking under it's roof since Jason brought home the cheerleader squad. As Tara and Eggs dance like the pro's they probably are, Maryanne makes a point of fuckin' with Sam until she has him as frustrated as a drunk living in a dry county. Maryanne makes sure everyone is feeling the spirit as she makes a point of tossing Tara's aluminum foil wrapped gift from her mama into the shrubs. Well, that wasn't nice. I hope it wasn't brownies or something. The fireants will have it before morning. And she's off, gyrating and vibrating into the dark as everyone seriously gets their freak on, including Tara and Eggs who are getting down to some serious fuckin'. SERIOUS fuckin.

Back in Dallas, poor Sookie's not having much luck bedding Bill and getting her hands on his overworked trouser rouser as a sudden knock at the door seriously disturbs the piece. It's Eric and he's a wantin' a little face time with Bill. I swear, Bill's dick is probably more over-worked than the Israelite slaves who built the pyramids. I'm serious here. As Eric and Bill engage in another dick-measuring contest, Sookie answers a knock at the door to discover a bellboy and a handsome young man dressed in....practically nothing. It's Jessica's midnight snack. Sookie's all confused cause she just knows Bill's gonna be pissed about this, but before she has time to wrinkle her nose and looks spastic, she realizes that she's just met someone like her. No, I don't mean hornier than a taste-tester for Spanish Fly, but someone who can hear people's thoughts. She can't wait to talk to him. If she can just catch him, that is.

A Very Worthwhile Cause!

2009-08-29T07:51:00.005-11:00

Click on the above title to see how you can help out with a very worthy cause!

I GET A KICK OUTTA YOU!

2009-08-04T01:16:00.015-11:00

Listen up General Motors. This is why Honda is whupping your ass. That little yellow hoop-dee of Sookie's must be at least 15 years old, yet it held up under Bill's most awesome man-fit as he drove it like he was 30 minutes late for divorce court. I kept expecting to see spit flying (would it be bloody spit?) from Bill's former pie-hole as he momentarily located those magnificent cajones he once proudly sported as he flung out a massive, yet impressive, throwdown on Sookie. And let's be honest here, didn't we all enjoy it? Just the teensiest bit? Last season, when Sookie was throwing down all that smack on Bill and recinding his invite and just being a hardcore bitch in general to him, especially after Bill had to re-connect with his big, bad vampire self and do what was the equivalent of a public vampire gang-rape, weren't we all just ready to jump up out of our seats and give out hi-fives and huge shoutouts to that awesome vampire! Yeah! 'Dats what I'm takin' about! Finally, as we who squat to pee are prone to do, she's had about enough of his shit as she furiously orders Bill to stop the car. I don't know about you, but I just loved LOVED the look on Jessica's face as Bill announces, and not to convincingly, that "she'll be back'. Jessica was like "Jesus Christ, but you are one dumb fuck." Bill, for an old guy you sure haven't learned much about women. We never NEVER give up first and come back to the car. But, of course, Sookie being Sookie, she runs into some deep do-do whilst traveling down the highway of life. So, of course, it's our boy Bill to the rescue. Again.

Poor Sookie. She's a damn mess. Back all tore up, nice denim jacket is pretty much a done deal. Looks like she won't get to use the Bedazzler on it. But her hair still looks great! As Bill finds her all super vampire-fast like as she's lying flung out in the middle of the highway (see, if that were me, at least 6 cars would have come by and run over me again, thinking it was a huge deer or something) and watches in horror (his face is like "da-um bitch, you are seriously, and I mean SERIOUSLY fucked up) as she starts frothing up some vile, nasty white stuff that looks like the nozzle misfired on a can of Faultless Spray Starch. Since Fangtasia must be the triage unit for all things vampire related, Bill orders Jessica to drive them there. Our Jessica is all ready to enjoy some hang time with her Fangtasia homies, but our boy Bill sticks a prick in that cherry as he firmly orders her home. Poor kid. It's like nobody wants her.

But help is a comin' in the form of our very own half-pint MD, Dr. Ludwig. Who's no fan of the fang and also is no fan of the bedside manner and wastes no time with howdys and fist bumps as she cuts straight through the shit. This low-down causes Bill to all but go into major spaz mode. As Bill stands around looking all janked up and worried after hearing Sookie's not only been poisoned, but will probably croak, he completely misses that look on Eric's face that makes it clear to anyone who has a dog in this hunt that as soon as the opportunity presents itself, well, that's definately an ass that he intends to tap. Sookie's, I mean. Not Bill's. Bill, you really need to start paying more attention to what's going on. You become totally pussy blinded everytime you're with Sookie. We established a while back that you're a tad slow on the upswing at times and don't pay a helluva lot of attention to anything except her.....assets....but really, you need to buck the fuck up and start paying attention. No kiddin'. Poor Bill, who's already looking as guilty as a sinner in church, holds Sookie down while Dr. Ludwig pours either battery acid or Leona Hemsley's spit on her back as she screams in pain, which, btw, would permantly damage the hearing of mere mortals, as Dr. Ludwig digs a knobby finger into her back and slides up a really nasty, loogie looking thing that reminded me of a Jelly Belly after I sucked all the sugar coating off. Since Bill was otherwise occupied looking all stressed out and guilty, I guess he just didn't have time to worry about the fact that Eric was hanging out in the corner, seriously getting his jack on as the aroma of Sookie's blood and cooter wafted over to him on a cloud of funk.

While all this fun stuff is going on at Fangtasia, we see Sam Merlotte, Bon Temps local Sad Sack, as he's sitting at his desk acting like he don't know whether to shit a tree stump or play poker. And to further enhance his sparkling personality, Merlotte's newest and not-too brightest, Daphne, shows up to announce that's she's fucked the pooch as far as her tickets go.. So of course Sam has yet ANOTHER meltdown and sends her fleeing in tears as Tara rounds the corner spouting Maryanne-isms. Lately, it's like Tara's become a talking Barbie doll. You just pull her string and she spouts out Maryanne-isms with aplomb, much to the not-delight of Sam. Sam, seriously dude, you really need to consider scoring some Xanax. Really.

"But when I dreammmm....I dream of you......." It looks like Jason is having his own dream of being blown while at camp. Wouldn't Royce Alan Williams be proud? He's sorta enjoying this.....until he jerks (*snort*) awake and sees Eddie The Murdered Vampire, all naked and wollering on top of him. This, of course, causes a major freak-out on Jason's part and so he does what all good soldiers of the sun would do. He prays. Which pisses off the Lukinator. And earns him a pillow being thrown at him. Cool. Another pillow for my bunk. Thanks dude. Does anybody really care?

Ah, yes. Here we are once again at the home of the Maryanne the Fruit Queen, as she and Carl are whipping up a batch of soup, made with hearts of Jeanette. And Carl is no dummy folks. When Maryanne suggest that it might need a wee bit more juniper, he all but dumps a load in his drawers as he scurries away to fetch it. Soon Tara shows up, looking semi-mellow over the idea of someone just bringing her stuff before she even asks. Which of course earns her another Maryanne-ism. I wonder what the prize is when you have collected say.....a hundred of these damn things? Not sure I wanna know. Anyhow, after some chit-chat and par-tay in da house talk, Maryanne proceeds to roll the biggest, most awesome looking joint I have ever seen. Now Maryanne bugs me mightly, but I will have to offer major props in the doobie rolling department. She be awesome! Of course Tara cannot resist the notion of lighting a fire under that lovely thing, and of course she won't be able to show up for work. Think Sam will be pissed? Oh, I dunno.....he's really been so mellow and understanding lately...... OF COURSE SAM WILL BE PISSED. HE IS STILL BREATHING, ISN'T HE?

After some really lame-ass group therapy session at the FOTS that nobody really wants to re-hash, least of all me, we can just blow right on past that until we cruise into Fangtasia, where a fully healed and wearing a fly Fangtasia t-shirt is Sookie, who's anxious to check out her back to see just what the fuck all the commotion was about. Suddenly she's surprised by Fangtasia's very own barmaid de jour, Ginger. Who's mama raised her right, cause she immediately brings Sookie a little bite to eat. This appears to be an original Ginger special. A "peanut butter and chocolate syrup two-top sandwich". Which, if you think about it, would back down a fuckin' fly from a puke wagon. And that's pretty much Sookie's reaction. Wait! What's that I hear? Layfayette's in the basement? And Ginger's got a gun? Where's Lassie when you need him! Quick Lassie, go find the Miller's and tell them Lafayette's being held hostage in the basement! But our Sookie's just had herself a big ole hit of vamp blood, so she needs no help from Lassie as she's quicker than the average gal. Unless you take into account the ones who show up at Filene's basement on wedding dress day. As a completely unbelieving Sookie kneels by the side of our poor, filfhy, smelly and gunshot Lafayette, it just tore me all up to see him like that. But even better than Lafayette's rescue? That damn purple eye of Sookie's is finally, finally gone.

There's an orgy at Maryanne's, but unless you're turned on by nekkid men with beer guts and pork swords a blowin' in the breeze and way too chunky to be nekkid women with tits a flippin' left and right, then I won't even bother with the freak-out at Maryanne's. Even Tara, who lately has been keeping her intelligence way too close to her cooter, is grossed out. 'Bout time honeychile. I'm jes' sayin'.

As Eric finally gets his boner under control, he announces to a furious Sookie that she most certainly can give him props for saving her life by jetting off to Dallas to help find his homeboy Godric. Sookie graces him with a look that a dog would give a box of worming pills as she announces that it will cost him $5000, which causes that smirk on The Viking's face to be even smirker. But that smirk sorta disappears when Bill ups the ante to $10,000 AND informs Eric that there's no way his bottom bitch will be going to Dallas without him. Yeah Eric, looks like you're gonna have to lick that Baby Ruth again. Rethink your game plane and all that stuff. Meanwhile, my favorite vampire in all the world, Pam, shows up and flings a shell of his former self, Lafayette, into the room. But our short-order cook still has enough piss and vinegar in him to set off the rile-up in Pam. Poor Layfayette. As he returns to his dark, empty house (which I'm sure he never thought he'd see again) he was 20 ways past pitiful as he curled up on his sofa, all swaddled in an afghan that I would bet the farm his mama had made. *sniff, sniff*.

Meanwhile, everybody's busy gettin' down at the home of Maryanne when the worst cop in the world shows up. What an idiot. First he sees a pig in a dollhouse, then he doesn't. But what he DOES see and wishes he didn't is a half-nekid and drunken Mike Spencer gettin' his freak on with the local barfly Jane Goodhouse. EEEEKKKKK! My eyes!!!

Jason, trust me on this one. You stay away from that 'nana pudding. She might not whip it out for anybody, but I'm betting my left ovary that she's gonna whip it out for you. And she'll be expecting you to bring the banana AND whip cream next time.

Jessica's had about enough of this "home alone" crap. So she paints up her lips and rolls and curls her tinted hair cause Jessica is contemplating going out somewhere. She makes her way to Merlotte's where she catch the eye of the sweetest guy on the planet. That Hoyt Fortenberry is just all kinds of awesome. He gets invited back to da house, where he thinks "Vampire Bill's" house is just soooo cool. Yeah, me too dude. Just as they're getting their freak on, they are rudely interupted by the two horn dogs who've been outside on the porch all but dry humping each other. Oh, btw, Bill still loves him some petticoats. Once inside (the house, get your mind outta the gutter) things just don't go real well with this meeting the parents thing and Bill, once again, completely over-reacts. Bill, whaz up wid 'dat? Chill baby, chill.

Meanwhile, as this incredibly long night comes to a close, Sam the Sham makes what he thinks is a good-bye run with his doggie befri. As he leaps into the crick, he looks up to see a fetchingly lovely Daphne stripping down to her Victoria's Secrets. But what are those scratches we see? Hmmmmm.........

ERIC GETS FOILED AGAIN

2009-07-25T14:26:00.011-11:00

BELCH! Hang on to your Pepto folks, cause our next spincter tightening episode begins with Eric, still wearing those fetching hair foils, doing a spot-on impersonation of me at the Smokin' Pig BBQ Buffet. Exchange the blood all over his vampire mug for some Jack Daniels Rib Sauce, and the resemblance is even more startling. Then, as Eric finishes chawin' down on Royce's tasty redneck vittles, and as an extra visual reinforcement to Layfayette (as if he needed one) he oh-so casually flings a dismembered arm, like a boomerang, across that smelly and gross dungeon as it slo-mo's it's way over to the left titty nipple of a totally terrified Layfayette. (I was really praying it wouldn't fall into the shitbucket.) Hey, I don't know about ya'll, but I'm definately a believer. I don't need ANYMORE convincing that Eric is Bad News. Poor Layfayette is so terrified, he doesn't know whether to shit in his eyes or screw his pants shut. And bless pat folks, Eric's worried about having blood in his hair. What did you think dude? You've just torn a slightly chunky redneck limb from limb, you've ingested enough blood to make you need to loosen the drawstring on your work-out pants and make you think that perhaps your next feed should come from someone who's been doing Jenny Craig, but yet you're wondering if some blood might be in your hair? Actually, after Eric ingested all that redneck blood, I was totally expecting Eric to order Pam or Chow to make haste to an all night car dealer and find him a 4-wheel drive pick-up with mud-grip tires, a gun rack on the back window and a Rebel flag vanity plate. And let's don't forget to load that 5-disc CD changer with some Lynrd Skynrd.

Quick cut to the Compton crib, where our eternally horny Sookie (I've decided horn-dog runs in the family) and a "teetering on the cusp of pussy- whuppedness" Bill are lying in bed,engaging in some silly, post coital small talk that's suppose to make us see just what a normal, average cute little couple they are. I find myself wondering what Sookie did with that bloody chenille bedspread. I do hope she's got it soaking in Bill's badass bathtub with a little dollop of OxyClean. And of course it's not too long before Sookie's horny hiney gets the better of her and she's coyly making a suggestion that Bill might need to make up to her for.....what? I guess it doesn't really matter. All she's really interested in is straddling those powerful vampire loins again and taking another ride around the corral. Good thing Bill's a vampire. Either his dick would fall off from overuse or Mike the Coroner would be making another midnight run.

Man, it just hurts my heart to see our once peacock-proud Layfayette all broken down and terrified as the always adorable smartass Pam smirks and calls him a hooker while chiding Eric about fuckin' up his hair. Layfayette is doing everthing but making a rabbit appear from a hat, as in desperation he begans to work an angle, any angle in order to get his ass up and out of there. In sad desperation, he throws out the name of Jason Stackhouse, but unfortunately for him, Eric jes ain't buying the shit he's selling. As Eric files away this little tidbit of information as future currency that he hopes will buy him a piece of the incredible Sookie Nookie, he lets Layfayette know the bloody-haired sheriff of area 5 jes ain't quite through with our vamp blood dealing hustler just yet. So it's back to the Fun House for Layfayette!.

As the wheels on the FOTS bus go round and round all through the town, Jason, our very own vampire killin' little grasshopper, tries his hand at joining in with some really lame-ass vampire hate songs as he and the Lukinator have a few quality moments of dick measuring and just all around buddy bonding time. If you think he looks happy now, just you wait until he gets his very own "I'm in the vampire killer club" silver decoder ring. Quick cut (this episode made me all but dizzy!) to the ever lovely Tara, as she comments on the way Eggs smells. With someone named Eggs, I expected he would smell somewhat like a hot fart in a closed up car, or maybe a natural spring of sulfur water. But no, according to Tara Mae, he smells nasty and nice and all at the same time. Gee, it's really been a while since someone said that to me. Unfortunately for the lovebirds, Tara has to make post haste to her job at Merlottes, where we just know Sam will be, once again, pissing and moaning about something. I swear, here lately he's stayed so riled up that he could start a fight in an empty house. Soon enough, here comes Sookie, who I swear looks like she 's had her hair fixed at the Ellie Mae Clampett School of Hair Design. I guess Ellie Mae has gone through all of Jed's oil millions and had to take up a career. Feeding all those critters can get expensive, not to mention the upkeep on the cement pond. I hear pool boys are union now. I know Ellie Mae's proud that Sookie appears to be her best customer. Sookie and Maryanne meet for the first time, as they perform the patented southern "nice to meet you, fuck you" ritual, their eyes are just screaming "I'm gonna kill yo skank ass, bitch" as they make small talk and Sookie tries to make sense from the weird-ass mumbo-jumbo she hears in Maryanne's thoughts. Now I don't know what language Maryanne was speaking, but I'm fairly certain she was saying "if the price of those fuckin' mango's keeps going up, I'm gonna have to pimp Carl out in order to pay for them".

Soon a randy and bouncy curls looking Sookie Mae Clampett invades the Compton joint again, as she has just seen Jessica's parents pleading for her return on the tv. I assume she was, once again, going over to verbally abuse our poor de-nutted Bill about his turning of Jessica. But alas! He ain't there. Seems he has gone out to the local mall for a few glad rags for his little girl. Now, truthfully, I find this somewhat fuckin' dumb. Why didn't he wait for Sookie and enlist her help in selecting a new wardrobe for Jessica? You think he might not be over the moon about Sookie's choices in wardrobe? I dunno....... Soon we see poor confused Bill, as he desperately looks around for the corset and crinoline section. But help is a comin' in the form of a super-horney salesclerk who's all but dripping on the floor when she finds out "Yes, I am vampire". That is until Eric with the new 'do shows up. At first I thought he really wanted to talk to Bill about some missing vampire bullshit, but now I'm more and more convinced he just wanted Bill's opinion on his new 'do as he and Bill send out a rousing vibe of light-loaferness that sends the salesclerk, who had every intention of backing Bill's ass up in the dressing room, scampering off. Bill, you really need to go home. REALLY. You have no idea what those two gals who have taken over your newly renovated bathroom are up to.

Poor Layfayette has finally broken free of his leg irons in a scene that is probably, hands down, the most gruesome and disgusting thing I've ever seen. I don't really want to describe it to you, or even dwell on it very long, so if you're curious then tough shit. Go watch it yourself. As Layfayette makes his way upstairs into the bar of Fangtasia, he's so overcome with relief that's it's daylight he practically pees himself. Suddenly, from her duties as fangbanger deluxe, comes crazy ole Ginger the waitress, looking as crazy as ever and waving a revolver around like somebody would wave around a urine specimen from someone with the clap. Now ya'll, I do believe Ginger has got the craziest looking face I've ever seen. It's like the bones can shift and her whole face just morphs into some more craziness while you're watching. As she shakily points the gun at Layfayette and he's doing everything he can think of to bullshit her into letting him out the door, she pops a cap in his ass. Well, not really his ass. It's his leg. But either way, he's screwed. And he knows it. Now all he can to do is lie all pitiful like on the couch in Eric's office, while Pam smirks at him and Chow paces the floor like a lion who knows a huge sirloin is within reach but has to wait for the straw boss to show up before he can dive into it. Like I said, Layfayette knows he's royally screwed, but he has no idea how completely shitty this evening is about to turn into. For soon he's about to become....I can only describe it as a flashback to a time I was at the KFC buffett and a college football team dropped in.

While some really crazy, black eyed, epileptic on crack dancing is going on at Merlotte's, curtesy of Maryanne, Sookie and Jessica arrive at the Hamby home. Jessica is really heart-tugging here. She's been crying bloody tears and is so homesick. Sookie feels really bad about how the shit went down between Jessica and the vampire turning thing, so she agrees to drive Jessica to see her home one last time. But before Sookie knows what fucked her blind and has time to react, Jessica is out of the car and at the front door, all super vampire-fast like. Actually, she kinda looks like me at the buy-one-get-one-free sale at Bruster's Ice Cream. I can move pretty fast when I need to. Uh oh. Sookie's really peed in her chilli now. She's in Big Trouble and she knows it. Things begin to tumble downhill faster than a fat man on a ski slope wearing greasy ski's as Jessica turns her vampire wrath on her father whom, I assume, was rather fond of what we use to refer to as the attitude adjuster. Just as she's about to rip open his neck, the front door is flung off by none other than the most pissed off vampire I've ever seen. Daddy Warbucks is on the warpath. AND BOY, IS HE REALLY PISSED!

SHE WORE A PEARL NECKLACE AFTER DOING THE TUBE SNAKE BOOGIE - AND HE WUVS HER!

2009-07-01T14:15:00.009-11:00

The highly anticipated premier of True Blood's second season had me, like other good True Blood friends, virtually squeeing and heheing all over the place. Luckily, the cable didn't go on the fritz and the show started on time or else my chair would have gotten rather messy, what with me squeeing and heheing all over the place. And what a screaming start it was. Literally. I'm not real sure which of our two Bon Temps gals can scream the loudest, Sookie or Tara, but one thing I am sure of. Tara wins the twisted, let's-hope-it-don't-come-a-freeze face contest, hands down. She really knows how to throw her face into something.....else.... while laying down a blood curdler. I am speaking, of course, of Miz Voodoo Chile and her slight return. Or the heartless one. Yeah, I know. I'm not being very reverent of the dead. But damn, Miss Jeanette, you did Tara wrong by taking her money not once, but two times. That'll learn ya about them ill gotten gains.

Meanwhile, Sam uses this dead-body-in-my-parking-lot as another golden opportunity to hang out next to Sookie, looking all Sad Sack and pitiful, while trying his best to let Sookie know, yet again, just how much he's so not over her. And would someone PLEASE tie Andy Bellafluer to the bumper of a car? While it's moving? Please? About five minutes of watching a clearly distraught Tara being verbally abused by this lout while taking her turn sitting in the Jason Stackhouse hot seat down at the local hoosegow is about all I can take.

OMG! It's Lafayette! He's alive! Well, sorta. And he's in some sort of vampire version of Dante's Inferno, all chained up while some white folk take turns shitting in a big bucket, sorta like what drywall mud comes in. This made me put the hairy eyeball on my new white toilet with a whole new level of fan sized appreciation. Ya'll, some things is jes' wrong, and I do believe this is one of them. No....not the chained up white folk, but having to shit in a drywall bucket. And I did not see any Charmin for them to use. This is just soooo nasty and violates several major health codes for a public establishment. But somehow I don't think the lucky folks staying in Eric's Scenic Hideaway are going to complain very much. And poor Lafayette has been reduced to holding out his tongue, all pitiful like, desperately hoping for a drop of water from some nasty looking rusted overhead iron beam. Which turns out to taste as vile as I figured it would. I'll bet some of Eddie's Merlot would really hit the spot right about now, hey Mr. Entrepreneur? But Eric's not quite through, for he's got more good shit to lay down. For low and behold, what have we here! Why, it's Mr. Garlic Press himself! Being dragged down the stairs by some big bald headed goon wearing a dark suit, while making all kinds of noise and in general being a loud pain in the ass. And just when Layfayette thought his day (or night) just couldn't get any worse, well guess what? It's worse. But look on the bright side, Layfayette. You two can hold hands and take a trip down memory lane. At least until Eric comes off the spool and rips off an arm from Mr. Aids Burger.

Soon we are at the home of Bill and Sookie Plus One. Just in time to see PYT (pretty young thing) wrapped in a very thick, nice towel (the kind you would snag from the Waldorf Astoria) as she hangs over the balcony and announces to a" I'm in some deep shit now" looking Bill and a bumfuckled looking Sookie that she just "loves your showah". Sookie, remember back a few weeks ago, when you threw down on Bill and recinded his invite? He tried to tell you. But you just wouldn't have none of it. Maybe next time you will listen. But probably not. But it's just the way life is. When some bad shit happens and you think maybe you should tell that significant other, but you just never do get around to it ,then finally figure why rock the boat, that sometimes those things can come back to bite you in the ass. Bill, consider your ass bitten.

Of course, there's some boring ass shit going on with Jason and the FOTS. I can tell this storyline is going to annoy the pigpiss outta me. I'm already tired of Steve Newlin, his Stepford wife and his crap in general. Maybe because I run into him and his ilk on a daily basis. I actually felt pity as our Jethro Bodine looking Jason in his plaid buttoned to the neck shirt, tries desperately to look like he really knows 1.) what the fuck they are talking about. 2.) why the fuck they are talking about it in the first place 3.) what any of this has to do with the price of eggs. 4.) how soon he can find a hot chick to nail in the storage room of the chapel.

What's up with Carl? For some reason he makes me think of Goldfinger's OddJob. And I'll bet he throws a mean-ass bowler hat. Maybe, after that awesome smack down by Maryanne, the bowler will be thrown at her head. And Sam - all I can say is AWE! Just AWE! What a cute, adorable little beagle pup you were. And did no one ever tell you not to pick up other people's valuable shit? Take that strange looking statue at Maryanne's crib. I don't know exactly what it was, but one thing I know for sure. It's expensive. Very expensive. Haven't you ever seen that sign that use to hang in our local dime store? "It's pretty to look at, it's nice to hold. But if you break it, we mark it SOLD." Words to live by Sam. See, I am extremely qualified to chide you on this one. Cause I broke more than my share of trinkety shit at the local five and ten.

*Sniff, sniff*. I swear, just when I wanna slap some sense into Sookie, there she goes and makes me cry. When she went into Gran's room, I swear I was nuttin' but a mass of snot and tears. That is until she picked up that cardboard box and cut her finger. All I could think of was Arlene saying "Bet Vampire Bill would get a rise outta that". Then to top it off, outta the blue here comes an older version of Pee Wee Herman to see Sookie about Uncle Bartlett, the local pedophile, and his guilt money. When that strange looking little dude with the bowtie started talking, I stopped crying. Cause he really freaked me out. Oh well. Sookie doesn't want the child molesting uncle's money, so she does the next best thing with it. She gives it to Jason so he can attend the vampire killin' camp.

Oh yes, we're back at poolside. Great weather, great tropical fruit, even better weed, and a seasoned bullshitter in a lovely, black Grecian dress. What could be better? Maryanne is feeding Tara and Eggs so much shit that frankly I'm surprised they have any room at all for those kumquats. And the most important part? NOBODY NEEDED TOWELS. See Carl, you royally screwed up Maryanne's plans to have Eggs and Tara fuckin' poolside in five minutes or less.

Soon we are back at Merlottes as the waitress who's down to her last straw - or rather last nail - Arlene , convinces Sam to hire this new girl, Daphne. Who's mama is half Cajun. Which means either she can make some mean ass crawfish pie or can play the accordian like a muthafucker. Or maybe she's.....something else? Oh yes. Sam definately needs another crazy, strange, ain't-what-she-seems female in his life. Wonder if she vibrates ?

Meanwhile, back in Eric's Love Shack, our poor Layfayette is playing Dr. Phil to one Royce Alan Williams as he reminesces about having his wee little knob blown while at Camp Safety Patrol. You too, huh? Some things don't change, I reckon. It was a camp tradition around here. Royce, if getting blown by another boy was the worst thing you could think of to confess to Layfayette, then guess what? You're about to have something even more mind-blowing (or dick blowing) to put in your yesterday's diary. Cause guess what! Here come the big bad sheriff of area five! And he's a coming' for you! He's gonna be all over you like stink on shit. Or the shit bucket. Whichever. No? You say you've got something up your sleeve to take care of his nibs? And there's gonna be Big Trouble? You've got a silver cross? Why, you little rascal you. Yeah, that'll teach those cocky vampires to mess with the best. Oops! Guess it didn't work. KIDNEY anyone? Can I give YOU A HAND with that? How about a LEG up? Or maybe an ARM to go around your shoulder.

Just when we thought things couldn't get much funner, we are back at Daddy Compton's as he and the apple of his eye are having their own vampire version of a wine tasting party. And here, blowing through the door like another Louisiana hurricane, is our own purple-eyed Bitchinator. And she's pissed. Again. After kissing ass and smoozing Jessica into retiring for a spell into that hole in the floor, Sookie once again turns her wrathful purple eye upon our Nervous Nellie Bill. I just loved the way he was was acting all jovial , trying like a randy little shitmonkey to be all carefree and casual, hoping against hope that he wasn't knee keep in the do-do again. He shoulda known. Once again, Sookie's all up in Bill's shit about knocking off her perverted Uncle Bartlett. *yawn*. Get over it Sookie. Bill is a VAMPIRE. He's gonna have the occasional slip and send a human or three to deadsville. Don't take it so personal. After all, if Uncle Bartlett hadn't croaked, how would Jason have gotten the money to attent vampire killer camp? See, everything happens for a reason and no good deed ever goes unpunished. How many times must I tell you this? Anyhoo, back to Sookie's massive throw down on Bill. Except......Bill gets all sad and weepy. I just wanted to take him in my arms and take his beautiful head and maybe push it down onto my lap.........oops, getting a little off topic here.......but damn Sookie! He might not have said he was sorry, but he is. Get over it already. And anyhow Sookie, maybe you haven't noticed this one little thing about yourself. Whenever someone dies, for some reason it makes you hornier than a West Pac sailor on shore leave. See a dead body? Oh please Bill, please nail me. Gran dies? Oh please Bill, do it, I want you to. Uncle Bartlett is dead? Well hell, how fast can we get to your bedroom Bill? Sookie, I don't think you need to go work for Mike the coroner. You'll fuck yourself to death before Christmas. 'Jes sayin'.

SWEET TORMENT

2009-06-07T02:47:00.005-11:00

I am a present focused person. Which means I want to enjoy my pleasure now. It makes no sense to wait until tomorrow what can be enjoyed today. Who knows? I could be stretched out under a red dirt coverlette by tomorrow, so let me have my fun today. Of course, that makes waiting for something as wonderful and exciting as the new season of True Blood that much more of a challenge. I awaken each morning reciting the countdown. "Thirteen more mornings to awaken before my eyes can once again be graced to his beauty, twelve more days before my eyes"......you get the picture. For me, it's like a delicious torment. I find myself flipping through the many HBO channels I have on my lineup, hoping to get a glimpse of one of the delicious promos we have been treated to. For me, it's like cranial foreplay. I feel the tingle begin as Bob Dylan rasps "Oh well I love you pretty baby" and doesn't let up until I feel the final tingle hit the tips of my toes. Ah yes, it is a sweet torment.

If I were Joan Baez, I would write such a song about that wonderful man, Stephen Moyer, with eyes bluer than robin's eggs. Each time we are treated to a new photograph of him, in all his beautiful glory, each time we see the briefest of clips of him that foreshadow promises of the delights of a new season, we collapse into a satisfied heap, as we revel in the afterglow of orgasmic joy. With frenzied obcession, we sit, hands gripping the arms of our chairs as we wait with the anticipation of a new bride, for something- anything - that will assauge the aching need we feel to see him. Are we all nuts? Probably. But it's a nuttiness that we, as Billsbabes, are all to proud to be afflicted with. We desire no cure. All we do desire is more explosure to that sweet torment known as True Blood and Mr. William Thomas Compton.

The clock has struck midnight. Seven more days................

P.S. Isn't that beautiful image of Mr. Moyer to die for? If you're curious as to where I found it, then just follow the link to Sunlight On Your Skin. You'll be spellbound!

The Adventures of Sookie and Her Magic Nookie

2009-05-27T11:14:00.011-11:00

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Sookie. She was like no other little girl. For Sookie had magic powers. She could hear what people were thinking. But her other talent was much more special. Sookie was born with a magic nookie.

Sookie lived in a town called Bon Temps. She lived with her Gran and her brother Jason.

Sometimes Sookie was very sad. None of the other children wanted to play with her. They called her names. One day a new girl named Tara came to Sookie's school. Tara was sad too. No one wanted to play with her either. Sookie asked Tara to be her special friend. Tara was happy to be Sookie's friend.

Sookie and Tara grew up and then they went to work at the same place. It was a bar and grill called Merlotte's. Sookie like to work at Merlotte's. She met many interesting people.

One night a strange and handsome man came into Merlotte's. Sookie's magic nookie knew there was something very special about this man. He was a vampire. His name was Bill. Sookie thought it was very funny that his name was Bill. Everytime Sookie was around Bill, her magic nookie would talk to her and tell her about all the things that she should do so that her magic nookie would stay happy.

One night Sookie came home and saw that someone had murdered her Gran. She was very sad. Her magic nookie talked to her and told her how to get glad again. It told her to put on her Stevie Nicks dress and she and her magic nookie should go visit Bill. Bill was very happy to see Sookie. He was even more happy to see her magic nookie. He was so happy that he showed Sookie his fangs. They were very sharp.

Bill and Sookie's magic nookie went on a very special trip. Sookie's magic nookie had never been on such a trip. It made her so happy that she wanted to take this trip again and again. Bill had even more fun than Sookie. He decided that he would take Sookie's magic nookie on as many trips as he could. He decided he wanted to travel everyday.

Other men wanted to take Sookie's magic nookie on a trip as well.

Sam, the man that Sookie worked for, wanted to take the magic nookie on a very long trip. But Sookie would not let him. Sam was very sad. He decided to take Tara's nookie on a trip, but it was not a magic nookie. Sam decided he would stay sad.

One night Sookie met another vampire named Eric. Eric knew that Sookie had a magic nookie. Eric wanted to take Sookie's magic nookie on a very, very, very long trip. Bill did not want Eric to take Sookie's nookie on a trip. Eric decided that he would not give up. After all, it's not everyday that you meet someone with a magic nookie.

SOOKIE, YOU 'JES AIN'T RIGHT!

2009-03-14T07:26:00.017-11:00

"If you only knew what I had done to return to you."

I still cannot believe that anyone who sports girlie parts let that statement go right on by them. It just blows my mind. It's actually an afront to hoo haw owners everywhere. Sookie, were you NOT LISTENING? I realize that you were all riled up because your oh-so fine vampire boyfriend caught you macking it up with the person he had personally asked to look out for you. And it was an awesome throw down if I do say so myself. But seriously Sookie, WTF? You didn't hear that sentence, or did you just decide it wasn't worth exploring further? Again, WTF?

Let's see here, he's been gone for what, three days? He hasn't called, he hasn't texted (cause we know how he hates to use the number keys to type) and he hasn't even bothered to come rescue you from yet another purt-near strangling. I can see how you could be a bit pissed off at him, but really now? You're not even the least bit curious about what that statement meant? If it had been me, I would have stopped right in the middle of my rant 'n' roll and wasted no time in peeling the skin from his dick over that statement. I'd be like "you had to do what? No, don't ass-drag about it, you said if I only knew. So let's have it. Only knew what? Let me guess, it involved a vagina, no doubt. Well, what are you waiting for big boy? Let's hear page 33, paragraph 2 of the official Lyin' Sack Of Shit Playbook that all of you mofo's seem to own. What? Cat got your tongue?"

But what did you do? You let that one sail right over your it's-all-about-Sookie's head while you stomped on his sad, abused heart as you threw him out, then to prove to him and anyone who gave a shit that you meant bidness, you slammed the door hard enough to crack the ozone. And never mentioned it again.

Like I said Sookie, you jes' ain't right.

THAT GLORIOUS SYSTEMATICAL EYE-POPPIN' WAGGLE TAGGLE WALK

2009-02-02T01:51:00.005-11:00

Again, in the spirit of noticing the most mundane, ridiculous things that have absolutely nothing in the world to do with the plot or trajectory of any given episode, I feel that it is now time for me to expound on Sookie's walk. Now we already know that our Sookie is the owner and sole proprietor of The Magic Sookie Nookie, but I think it's her walk, so distinctive and unique, that sets her apart from your average run of the mill fem fatale. I can't quite nail it down (unlike our Vampire Bill who nailed it BUT GOOD) but it's sorta how she twirls around and somewhat knocks her kneecaps together before she starts her strut. You know, like she all but changed her mind at the last minute and decided to stay put, then everything starts moving before her brain can catch up with her ass. It's almost as if her hips come out of joint like her backside has a Liam thing going on. As she walks away you can see her rumpus sort of shifting from one side to the other. Puts me in mind of two possums fucking under a bedpan. Whenever I see her walking an old saying I've heard my Mama say a thousand times pops into my noggin. "It must be jelly cause jam don't shake like that". Well, I guess it would all depend on how lose and lucious that jam really is. And if the way Bill acts since he tapped that ass is any indication, then that jam is indeed something special. He's sort of been in a daze since he lowered his bucket into that magical well. Adds new meaning to the term "one hit wonder". I sure wish I had a walk like that. I can only dream.

New blog for my William Thomas Compton Chapters

2009-01-01T15:58:00.004-11:00

In order to maintain the atmosphere of complete and total insanity at all times, I have moved my more serious blogs about Mr. Compton to a new home. A link can be found on the StephenMoyer.net site, as well as at http://TheLifeandTimesofWilliamThomasCompton.blogspot.com
Just look over to the right of the chapters, it's easy to find.

Thanks! Hope to see you there. Yeah, come on over. You know you want to!

Let's Hear It For Those Bad Boys From Bon Temps

2008-12-18T07:56:00.003-11:00

This video was created by yet another talented Bill Babe, Crimsonbouquet. The words of the song say it all, there's nothing I can add to it. Except maybe a HELL YEAH!

YouTube - All Bill Wants for Christmas

2008-12-18T07:40:00.003-11:00

YouTube - All Bill Wants for Christmas

This amazing, beautiful, wonderful video was created by the supremely talented AuPretender. Ain't she something! It's really and truly all I wanted for Christmas. And I got it. I musta been better than I thought this year.

CHAIN OF FOOLS

2008-12-13T02:27:00.017-11:00

How did you do it Bill? HowEVER did you manage to restrain yourself? Men with less self control would have been all over Denise Rattray like Marines on a whore. Yes Bill, you little rascal you, just because you're a vampire doesn't mean you ain't a fuckin' gentleman. Cause gentlemen, even vampire gentlemen, know that it ain't polite to make smelly on the belly with another man's wife.

From the time she whirled her classy snout around to say "well hel-lo" I could see the barely contained lust in your eyes. I just know you would have given at least 60 years off your life if Mack had ordered something that DID give him a good case of the runs so you could be alone with that enchanting creature for just a few precious minutes. You know, cop a feel or two under the table. Maybe snag a run in those PANTYHOSE fer chrissake. I just HATE when women wear pantyhose with those damn happy pants (cause your ass looks like it's smiling from cheek to cheek). Oh you poor man, what agony you must have suffered in denying yourself the want - no, the need - to ask her to take out her clip. We all know what a major jones you have for the hair. She's somewhat like the Creature From The Black Lagoon. I'm not saying that she was FROM the Black Lagoon, I'm saying that what's between her thighs IS the Black Lagoon. I expect it would make a monster of most any poor sap that cared to sojourn there. That's probably what happend to Mack. He might have been as nice as Hoyt until she popped a cap in his noggin with her snatch.

Mack, I heard through the grapevine that the house specialty - the potted meat - is pretty much guaranteed to give a guy a good case of the trots as everyone knows potted meat is just chock full of chopped up peckers, among other more mysterious ingredients that I can't even force myself to think about. And if you ask politely I hear Layfayette will even serve it on toast points with chopped egg. Cause after all it is the redneck caviar. Can't nobody say we southerners don't have class! And I just love your ring! WHEREVER did you get it? Tiffany's? Jacob the Jeweler? Cartier? Well, wherever it was, I do hope the designer got a bonus, cause it was something to behold. A real jawbreaker - I mean jawdropper. I do hope Bill had enough forethought to snag it and keep it for just that special someone before he threw that aluminum home sweet home on top of you. No, not the Sook. Cause we all know what a big fuckin' mouth that girl has. Wouldn't take her but one person commenting on how "unique" that ring was before she would riv it up for a long one and regale that poor sucker with all the details of where it came from and how she happened to acquire it.

And Mack (btw, did you all know this actor is the son of Michal J. Parks?) how did you like your necklace that Miss Sookie Stackhouse, waitress from Bon Temps gave you? Took your breath away, didn't it? It was indeed a Chain of Fools.

I wonder if the guy who owned the truck where Sookie found that chain ever missed it?

ALABAMA THUNDERPUSSY

2008-12-10T06:34:00.010-11:00

What, pray tell, IS an Alabama Thunderpussy? When I first saw this shirt on Jason in Episode 2, (after I finally stopped laughing and got some more oxygen in my lungs) I knew I just had to get to the bottom of this. So many possibilities have swirled through my feverish brain since I first saw it, but still no positive answer.

Is it someone from Jason's past? Some sort of a horndog club he was a member of? A rock band? What he would like to have from Santa more than anything? Does Jason have an affinity for something fishy this way comes from the land of Roll Tide? Or do you think maybe Jason is like Jethro Bodine - a double naught spy. Codename: Thunderpussy. Sort of a cross between Thunderball and Octapussy.

Lord knows I even asked myself if maybe thunderpussy is the sound Jason's women make during sex. Now THAT conjours up a mental image that will put hair on your chest, if you know what I mean and I think that you do. You know, that sound you make when you're ahem........how shall I put this delicately.....getting banged and suddenly there's a sound like someone stomped on a frog. Don't even bother acting like you don't know what I'm talking about. Do you think THAT'S what an Alabama Thunderpussy really is? Bueller..........Bueller.............anyone?.....................anyone?

CHUG-A-LUG, MAKE YA WANNA HOLLER HI-DE-HO!

2008-12-09T06:00:00.014-11:00

Stand back and watch ya'll, cause that Sookie knows she can mackdown on a arm! She looked like me chawin' down on some hickory smoked ribs. And Bill, poor guy. I actually began to feel sorry for him. Once Sookie got past all that "I don't wanna be a vampire" bullshit she really latched on and tore it up. I know Bill was probably thinking "da-yum girl, maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. Although........she does suck like she's one of those chrome tailer hitch chicks I've heard so much about. Wonder how long it'll take her to heal? Her mouth is looking better already. Hey Sook, I was thinking, if you wouldn't mind........". I was actually starting to worry that maybe she was about to loosen up a few of Bill's wristbones and one of them was gonna come loose and get hung up in her front tooth gap. When she finished doing the Big Gulp on Bill he probably had to find a stick and slip it under Sookie's top lip in order to break the suck-shun she had on his wrist. I know vamps heal fast , but I'd wager there's probably still a big ole purple welt on his wrist in the shape of Sookie's mouth.

Sookie, did you ever hear of that book called "How to Win Friends and Influence People"? If you've heard of it then I'm going on the assumption that you never bothered to read it. Cause I thought that question you nailed Bill with when he called on you and Gran Stackhouse and the two of you went out for a stroll, cause after all it was such a lovely night, was just downright rude. "So, I guess you've killed a lot of people". WTF?? That's ALL you could come up with to break the ice? See, to me, that would be akin to some feller asking me out for a moonlight stroll, then saying "so, I guess you've eaten a lot of Krispy Kremes?" Rude. Hurtful. Gratitious. Unnecessary. What you SHOULD have asked him was this. "Is your dick as big as it seems, or did you lose a sock in the dryer?" Yeah, ask him something really important, something that we all want to know. Who cares about how many people he's killed?

Can you imagine the reaction of Sam The Lurking Fido if he'd heard Sookie ask Bill that?

LAFFIE , WE HARDLY KNEW YE

2008-12-07T08:09:00.012-11:00

Well crap. I'm gonna miss Layfayette. A lot. Whenever he was in a scene, well he was all anyone saw. I know there are theories and talk of him not being dead floating around left and right. But come on. If you put to good use what you've got between your ears, then you have to conclude that it was in fact Layfayette's big old number 12 that was hanging out the back door of Andy Bellefluer's Crown Vic. Why else would we have to witness Layfayette fling his big old hoof up on Sam Merlotte's bar while spiffing up his toenails with a fresh coat of red laquer? And about that, I thought that was nasty. Looked like something I would do. Normally I don't even go to bars. I prefer to do my drinking at home so that way if I slip up and float an air biscuit then I can blame the dog. And if I'm in an eating joint that has a bar I'll make doubly sure to do a sniff test before I belly up to it. If I catch even the faintest whiff of stale parmesean cheese, then I'm outta there.

Also Layfayette was quickly becoming my role model for fashion. I picked up some really awesome ideas for accessorizing, what-not-to-wear and since when is too much black eye-liner a bad thing? And man! Could he sweep the shit out of a floor! If I could only raise up my recliners with one hand like he did, I'd be loaded for bear. I might actually break down and sweep more than once every few months.

Poor Tara! What's our black girl, precious little pearl gonna do now? Layfayette was her touchstone, her rock of stability. I know that's pretty fucked up when your rock of stability is a drug dealing, porn making, v-juice selling gay short order cook who also re-surfaces the highway. But Tara's life is an exercise in fuck-nuttery, as we all know. Heck, she and her mama's one bonding moment came over sucking the heads from a bucket of mudbugs. Now THAT'S fucked up! I still have nightmares about that. No, actually I said to my own mama "you know, if you really loved me as much as you love my sister, then you would have taken me out so we could suck the heads off a bucket of mudbugs". I'm sure you all can guess what she said. Our Tara depended on Layfayette like she couldn't depend on anyone else. Not even Sookie. He was her go-to guy who would listen to her and actually act like he really gave a shit about what happened to her. Here lately Sookie has been too wrapped up in her own drama's to be a decent befri to anyone. And I suspect in my gut that Layfayette would have caught a bullet for his little cousin. And to further fuck up Tara's psyche, she has to be one of the people who finds his body. To quote my favorite old Irish uncle, "dah drodit, that's a real goat fucker ah coming at ya, that it tis". Yep Uncle Mattie, you just might be onto something.

I tried to fool myself into thinking that maybe that big old footsie belonged to someone else. Like maybe one of those three rednecks that put the eternal flame to General Zod, Ursa and Non. REALLY I was hoping it was the one with the curly hair. You know, Mr. Garlicpress himself who looks like he could possibly be a desendent of Hoss Cartwright. Especially after he and Layfayette had that go-round with the "aids burger". But I reckon not. Looks like we're gonna be graced with their presence in the new season. Wonder what those 3 little scamps will be up to?

WELL BLESS MY SOLE

2008-12-05T07:08:00.023-11:00

I'm sure all of you have figured out that I spend an inordinate amount of time mulling over some of the dumbest and most useless shit this side of Old Sweden. But I figure we all have our calling in life and I guess that's mine. For instance, Sookie's footwear. Is it just me, or does she not wear some of the hokiest, funkiest footwear you've not seen since the 1990's? To quote Louisana's resident Pop Princess "like daaang girl (chew, pop, chew), what's up with those dawg covers?" I can't help but wonder where she got them. What? Did she blow old Mayor Norris and he let her "dig around in the archives" and that's what she came up with?

She dresses cute. I'll give her that. But just don't cast your eyes past the knees. For instance, in Episode 2 she's wearing that really cute green and white bathing suit and cover-up and just looking sexier and more fly than a girl has a right to. Her boobs were all firm and perky, like freshly watered gerber daisies. Then I saw those shoes. I thought "WTF? Was she Rosie the Riveter in a former life"? She has no problem going around dressed in less clothing than would cover a gnat's hindquarters. I will give her props for that. And I just have to say this. In episode one when she was outside sunbathing in that cute little two-piece, wearing those white sunglasses, I kept expecting her to start wailing out "blue...ooooo...eee.....oooo... I'm so lonesome for you, tears fill my eyes til I can't see.......". Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest. Back to the topic. Both times that Bill took her to Fangtasia she wore a dress that made her buzzum look like she was trying to smuggle out a baby, ass first. And her hair always looks great, even when it's in a ponytail. Bill just loves her hair. The feel and smell of it makes him harder than week old biscuits. But she seriously needs to deal with her lack of shoe cool. Maybe she could drive over to Shreveport in her canary yellow Honda Hoop-tee and see if Eric could hook her up with some of his Teva catalogs. Snag her some really fly flip-flops. I'm sure if Sookie would just open up her heart to Eric then he would be happy to help her pick out a pair or two. But Sook, honey, I don't really think your heart is the part of you Eric would like you to open. (*wink, nudge*). Just tryin' to clue you in. You know, sort of a heads up. You don't appear to be real smart sometimes when it comes to men.

But who knows. Maybe Sookie's got a big stash of Candies ballerina flats or an assload of Jellies stowed away in her closet, just waiting for next season. Perhaps as a special prize for our patience. God I hope so. Cause if she's not gonna wear Jellies next season, then I ain't gonna fuckin' watch.

BOOGIE WONDERLAND

2008-12-03T02:17:00.011-11:00

Escape From Dragon House is fantastic! Of all 12 episodes, this one is my favorite. For me, this is the episode that let's us begin to see a more interesting, colorful side of the vampire world. And we were introduced to Eric and Pam. Those two! I just love 'em!

This episode begins with, of course, Miss I-Can-Scream-So-Loud-That-Every-Dog-In-Renard-Parish-Headed-For-The-Bayou - discovering poor, pretty Dawn's body. And why in the H E Double Hockeysticks do people like to congregate outside a crime scene like it's high fuckin' entertainment? I've never understood that. Yeah Arlene, you're one classy broad alright. You've got a serial killer who's sharing your bed and who is so considerate of others that he goes inside for some cool refreshments - and don't forget those fuckin' paper doilies - so everyone will be as comfortable as possible while watching the coroner remove the body of the latest girl he strangled. Gee whiz Rene, where were you when I was looking for that special someone? Oh please tell me that you've got a brother! And that damn Maxine Fortenberry. Why couldn't you have strangled HER while you were at it? Cat on a hot tin roof, my big old ass! Maxine, I'm glad you FEEL like a cat on a hot tin roof cause quite frankly you LOOK like a waterbuffalo on a tarmac. Now I will admit before laypeople that I could stand to shed a pound or three, and truthfully I could probably rent my backside out for a billboard. Also, I don't like for folks to say disparaging things about those that are somewhat chunky. Pisses me off in fact. But for Maxine Fortenberry I will make an exception.

And my crazy heart just melted all over itself when Sam leaned over and kissed Sookie on the top of her head. I swear, if Bill wasn't in the picture I would drive over to Bon Temps and slap some sense into Sookie until she started to love Sam like he loves her. He's just so damn sweet. I know he can get a tad protective and whiney, but he'd really make some gal a great husband. And he can guard the house at night too.

Little did I know that when Jason ingested that vial of v-juice just what torment we would all be subjected to in coming episodes. I sure do wish he had dropped that vial and spilled it all on the floormats. We could have had much more Bill time. But that whole eggplant thing was immensely funny. I do have a very lowbrow sense of humor at times, and I am a tad on the common side if the situation calls for it. And that whole "acute case of priapism" thing was some funny shit. Especially when Tara said that she wasn't ever gonna be the same after watching that doc drain Jason's johnson. Seems like I heard that before. I think it was on my wedding night. And it wasn't me who said it.

Now to the best part. Fangtasia! From the ride over in Bill's fine, fine shaggin' wagon, to his smolderingly hot eye raping of Sookie in that dress (wouldn't we all just KILL to look like that in a titty-pushing dress?) and Sookie's first meeting with Eric and Pam, it was just divine! I've got a gut feeling that Bill might have some "issues" with Eric. Just a hunch on my part. Actually I get the feeling that at some point in time Eric has treated Bill to a big ole Steve Erkel style butt wedgie and His Royal Hotness is still a mite worked up over it. And I thought the ole hairy eyeball look he was casting Eric's way was the self-same look an ex-husband would give to the bitch who not only took everything he had in the divorce settlement, but left him a scorching case of herpes for good measure. And then to top it off, he has to go trotting over to bow and act like they're asshole buddies when His Majesty gives a flick of those 20 inch fingers. And didn't you just LOVE the way Eric did that little shiver when he said "mainstreaming"! He sorta looked like someone snuck up behind him and slid an ice cube up his hidey hole. Yeah, I'd say Bill would give up about a hundred years of his life if he could tell Eric to go fuck himself. Morn' once.

What about Taryn and those fangs! On all the other vamps I've seen so far, the fangs looks realistic. Yeah, like I really KNOW how a vampire's fangs should look. But I just thought Taryn's were a tad on the long side. Like maybe they ran out of enough fangs for the extras and somebody found some leftover wooly mammoth teeth in a prop closet from Clan Of The Cavebear. Can you tell I'm one of those people who abides by the strict rule of "if you can't say something critical about someone, then keep your damn mouth shut?"

And who knew vampires rode Hover Boards! I certainly didn't. At least, that's what it looked like to me when they all were looking like a bunch of Israelites fleeing Egypt. Eric, does Marty McFly know you broke into his house and snagged his Hover Board? And another thing, I was wondering about that police raid. Now if the law enforcement in Shreveport was no better than in Bon Temps, how on earth would they go about arresting any vampires at Fangtasia? Cause quite frankly, Bud and Andy couldn't pull off raiding a treehouse full of 8 year olds who'd been stealing cookies out of the cookie jar. Then I read in Dead Until Dark about the raid at Fangtasia. The cops had a special paddy wagon outfitted with silver bars and silver lining inside it. And the cops were actually vampires themselves! Boy, I'll bet they're real popular at a tribunal.

"I like your gun. Can I hold it?" No, that wasn't Bill. That's what Sookie was thinking when she asked Bill to stop for a minute. Yeah, sure. She just needed things to stop, my foot. She was planning on nailing Bill and his fine, fine shootin' instrument until that fucknut of a cop showed up and ruined it all. Bad cop *slap, slap*.

DIANE , DOES ELVIS KNOW HIS GOLD LAME IS MISSING?

2008-12-01T08:52:00.004-11:00

Episode 3, Mine. I just love this episode. Why? I dunno, I just do. I think mainly because it has so many things happening all during the show. And we hadn't yet been subjected to Jason and his fuckee-doodled v-juice trips. Damn, I hated those things! And also because it was the first time we really got a good look at the inside of Bill's house. Seriously Dude, I say dis wid all due respect - you ever hear of a little show on TLC called Curb Appeal? You need to score a satellite dish or may a comcast hook-up. Or even better, you and Eric could do one of those Trading Spaces things. I do realize that you've spent a whole lot of time and money fixin' up that kick ass bathroom you have, but damn! Your downstairs looks like massive epidemic of small pox blew through Bon Temps and landed right smack-kadab on your parlor walls! And I say dis wid all due respect.

Now I know it's very, very important to have that big ole comfy bathtub so that your lady love will have a place to soak her sore cooter after you have finished de-flowering her. And let's don't forget abut Eric. He's your befri and where else is he gonna do a B & E and then stretch his fine, long-legged self out if not in your massive tub? You do have a way of looking out for your homeboys. And Eric just has so much damn fun humilating you while chillaxing there too. Oooh, and let's not forget about your new income tax deduction! She's never gonna come out of the bathroom now. Daddy, can I borrow the car?

But about those friends of yours...............we need to discuss that. Yeah, yeah, I know they are all G.O.N.E. But we can still discuss them and hopefully you'll see the error of your ways. They seemed to be a tad - how shall I saw this - common. Yeah, that's the word. Especially that Liam! I have to side with Jason on him. He's one freaky looking dude. I haven't seen anyone that fuckin' freaky looking since Pee Wee Herman. I remember when Jason was watching that video with Maudette. Liam starts going all Michael Phelpsish with his back and neck and shit. On the freak scale of 1 to 10, he's about a 16.

Diane, where DID you score that dress? I haven't seen that much gold lame on one person since Elvis in Loving You. Although you look remarkably like a young lady who works down the road around here at the Dollar General, I get the feeling that you weren't very nice even when you were a breather. Actually, you're still a breather, cause your chest sure was aheavin' when you were hanging out the door acting all assholish when the Sook showed up. You might want to work on that. Skank.

Malcom, you just make me want to do the Disco Duck. Yeah, don't be a cluck. WHEREVER did you get those clothes? Did you raid the wardrobe vault from Welcome Back Kotter? But you do pull off the look admirably. I don't think anyone else could wear those double knitwit pants and polyester shirt with the style and grace that you do. And I don't think anyone really wants to. You are a man among men. I can only hope and pray that you weren't wear those gold chains when you got the Eternal Flame. It would be such a shame to deprive the rest of the world of such treasures.

Sookie, you shouldn't have been so mean to Bill. It wasn't his fault that his frat party got a little out of hand. If you can't hang, then you can't hang! Now maybe things did get a little intense there a time or two, what with Diane and Liam about to dive in for a little summin summin, and you having to watch The Heroin Queen polish a pork sword. Then there's Bill just smackin' his lips and about to grease down on the Jerry. And let's don't forget about YOU WERE ALMOST CHOKED. No, we musn't forget about that. But that's no reason to get all Leona Helmsley on poor Bill. Cause that's the way a vamp rolls! And what do you mean, you couldn't stand to kiss Bill after them? Honey, I expect I would wade through a 50 acre field of pig shit for a kiss from Bill. Really,you need to get over yourself.

Then you show up at his house the next day IN THE DAYLIGHT, peeking all through his windows and just being downright nosy as hell. And I do believe that was you stretched out on his front doorsteps, giving old sassy lassie a good rub down. Yep, there's no better way to get the attention of a man than to be sprawled out on his front steps while causing your vision to go bad. At least that's what my mama told me would happen.

Gotta go. I need to go get some new glasses.

BILL'S BENJAMIN'S

2008-12-01T01:46:00.007-11:00

Where, oh where, does Bill get all his coin from? I've been thinking about this for quite some time now, especially since episode 2 when he was talking to Sookie about "not gettin' into any trouble over the renovations". When she mentioned that she would make some calls to a few electricians, I thought "whoa daddy, hold the milk". She's talking about some major bucks there. Unfortunately for us Bill chicks, those electrical contractors rang the death knell for Bill's hotass smokin' hair. I reckon when the electricity got hooked up Bill wasted no time a hot footin' it to Wal-Mart at midnight to snag a blowdryer and curling iron. Really fucked up his hair. And we're still not over it.

And that ass-kickin' bathroom! Just that tub alone would set you back at least the price of a good used Tahoe. And the last time I checked, they weren't exactly giving away those BMW's. Speaking of Bill and his shaggin' wagon, I just have to comment about Bill & Sookie's ride in the BMW, back from Fangtasia. It was at the beginning of Sparks Fly Out, the opening scene when Bill pulls up in front of Sookie's house and that hmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmm bmmmmmmm noise is coming from the speakers. I swear, that look Sookie gave Bill when he stopped the car was priceless! Just cracked me up big time. I just know she had to be thinking "damn dude, you ever hear of Brooks & Dunn?"

Do you think he's been a bad boy, that's he's been "glimmering" folk for their money? Somehow, I just can't believe that. Now I realize that if anyone can glimmer someone into givin' up the Buxton, it'd be our beautiful blue-eyed boy. But Bill's soooooo not scary, so not apt to do something like that. But I do think that he might have pilfured a dollar or two from those two skanky redneck losers, the Rattrays. And he should have. After all, they got most of it by selling V and some of it dealing drugs. As my sainted Granny use to say "ill gotten gains will be your destruction". Word. And when Bill admitted to Sookie that he did in fact feed on the Rat twins, I immediately said "Bill's having a Big Mac attack!" Bill really did need that blood, no matter how sorry the origin. After all, they stole about 2 pints from him and lest we forget Sookie guzzled about 2 gallons from his arm. But I seem to be getting off topic. I tend to do that. A lot. Mack, Denise - before I put you two low life's to rest I just want to express the undying appreciation for your generous contribution. If Bill did clean out your stash of ill gotten gains and then used it to buy that bathtub, then you have my undying gratitude. After all, you two made it possible for us to get a really, really good view of First Lt. William Thomas Compton, climbing into that tub and showing us what we wanted - no, deserved, needed to see. If not for our lust, but also our sanity. Now girls, don't get all pissy with me and hire a bounty hunter to find me and cut off major protruding parts, but I have to say this. Bill needs to do some clenches. I'm jes' sayin. I have to admitt that Sam has completely tore his stuff up in the super fine ass department. He's got something a redneck girl can really sink her teeth into! And for Bill to hate Sam as much as I hate the IRS, then he just needs a gentle reminder to WORK IT! You know, up and down, up and down......oh Lord, now I'm getting hot. Wait, I need a cold drink and maybe some of Tara's HoHo's.

Also, I watched Episode 10 again last night. Hey, didn't we all?? I just have to say that during that tribunal scene, when that mean old magistrate hollered at Bill to "back your shit down!" I really thought for a moment there that Bill was gonna holler back "yeah, sure, I'll back it down. Just as soon as you back my boot out of your ass, you Edward Scissorhands lookin' motherfucker!' But thankfully, he kept quite.

And I see from the previews of tomorrow night that Tara has done me a solid and thankfully gotten out of that red dress. Thanks girlfriend, I owe you one. I am assuming she gave it to the girls in lockup. I'm sure they fought and scratched over that prize too. I thought when I saw Tara at that party with that funky hairdo, scary Alexis Collins makeup and last but not least that dress that she looked like Fuck You Bitch That's My Corner Barbie. Made by Mattel.

DING DONG THE WITCH IS FINALLY DEAD

2008-12-01T01:35:00.006-11:00

Well - what's the verdict? Did everyone like what they saw last night? Most of it gets a yes vote, but there was a scene or two I could have done without. Like Jason Stackhouse and his psycho French cooking gypsy girlfriend. I swear, I try to keep an open mind about those two, but here lately they just make my ass want to suck a lemon. I'm as sorry as the next guy that Amy is getting her own dirt nap and she's not coming back as a vampire in 24 hours or that Eric didn't get hip to her shit either, but I'm sooooo glad I don't have to take that psychadelic vjuice induced flight of fancy with those two anymore. I thought last night when I saw them with the vjuice "nooooooooooooo, not another v-trip, it's wasting valuable Bill time!" I will have to give some props to the special effects people tho. That scene of Jason throwing Amy into the air and she's just flying far, far away looks super cool to me. I have wanted to do that to her for quite some time now.

Bill, pay attention boy - as far as Pam goes (although it did cause me to snort a time or two when she peeked at Jessica's junk) you just need to go ahead and beat dat 'ho down. Now I realize that might be a challenge since I just don't envision you striking a woman, but DAMN! That gal's got bigger balls than you and Eric put together. With the attitude to match.

I loved this episode. Why? Because I just did. Why? Because it's my favorite show right now. Why? Because Bill gives me a hot-put-juicy. Why? 'Cause he just does. Why?

That look on Bill's face when the dirt started to move around and Jessica started to crawl out! I thought for sure that Bill was gonna say "SHUT UP!" like Sookie did when took that silver chain off Bill in episode 1. And I have to say that the look of all but total horror on his face when she came out screaming was the exact same look I saw on my husband's face when he realized that he, and only he, was gonna have to deal with not only a mega-shitty diaper, but a meta-shitty crib as well. And Jessica's YEE HAW! I"M A VAMPIRE! will be the defining quote for this entire season. It should be on a billboard.

A lot of posters are wanting to ream Bill a new one over his so-called whimpy handling of Jessica. Why? I know he isn't as forceful as Eric or Pam, but come on. Bill is really and truly more human than vamp, and what I saw was this. He's a man who's never been around children very much. His own were very small when he left them. And if you've never dealt with a girl going through those teenage years, then you don't really know what horror is. He looked like what he is, a man who suddenly was handed a teenage girl to take care of and didn't know fuckall about what he was suppose to do. Just think about it, if a single man who'd never had any experience with children was suddenly handed a teen-age girl to take care, keep out of trouble and try to teach a thing or two, what do you have? A damn hysterically funny situation. Poor Bill. I expect that coffin chained with silver is looking better and better right about now.

Well Sookie. You certainly peed in your chilli. Although I am loving you for being so nice to poor abused Sam. He really needed that. And I can't say I blame him for moving in and laying claim to some of the goods. After all, shapeshifter or not, he's still a man. And I thought the scene of them riding in the car and her teasing him about hanging his head out the window was a sign that she'd accepted him for what he was and it was ok. Sookie, I sure thought that all you needed to get you off that high horse you've been riding for 2 weeks now and once again look like the cat (RIP Tina) that landed a lifetime gift certificate to the creamery , was a booty call or three over to the Compton crib. But, like I said, you done gone and done Bill wrong and I hope he tells you to take you squirrel and go look for other nuts. But we both know he won't do that. Why? Cause he loves you. Why? Beats the hell outta me. Why? Because we need a gut-wrenching, heart-pounding episode next week that will make us puke for a week from the anxiety of wanting to know what happens. Why? SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

OK Eric - you just about had him. Bill, I mean. It's too damn bad you glimmering skills don't work on vamps. You just about had Bill confess his reason for coming to Bon Temps. I sure wish he had spilled the beans tho. I would have loved, loved to have seen that look on Eric's face when Bill said it. But Eric will just have to join ranks with us blood sacs and wait until next season. Unless Eric, you decide to tie me to a bed and do really nasty things to make me talk. I just warn you tho. I am really tuff. It might take a week or two.. Then I just might tell you. Actually, I'd prefer it be Bill, but we both know he's too damn lovestruck - or cuntstruck - to even think about sniffin' out some new tail. To quote and slightly change a line from a favorite show of mine "just look at 'em. They're afloat, lightern' air, in some fairy-fuckin' bubble. Him, her snatch and those stoopid fuckin' fangs!" But I must say Bill, you really REALLY don't need to be owing Eric any favors. Not smart Bill, not smart at all. Cause Eric ain't the kind of homeboy to let a favor owed him slide. Word.

THE BON TEMPS BUGLE

2008-12-01T01:34:00.001-11:00

BON TEMP BUGLE
Saturday, November 23, 2008

LOCAL BUSINESSMEN TAKE TOP HONORS

By Roving Reporter ABNegative

Sam Merlotte, local businessman and owner of Merlotte's Bar & Grill on Hummingbird Trail, just north of the Parish Road, has recently taken top honors at the Eukanuba Dog Championship held this past week in Philadelphia PA. "Dean" was named BEST IN SHOW. Mr. Merlotte's trainer and handler, Terry Bellafleur, said he was extremely proud of the showing that "Dean" made at the championship. "We were up against some very tough competition and we really weren't expecting to win this cup. He went on to say that he was grateful to Sam Merlotte - who is Mr. Bellafleur's employer - for allowing him the opportunity to work with and train Dean. "I didn't know how much time we would have since I have had to spend several months in Bon Temps Nervous Hospital and it was hard for both Sam and I to be absent from the bar at the same time, but Dean was very committed to winning" Several of the employees and patrons of Merlotte's Bar and Grill were asked what they thought about this honor. Layfayette Reynolds, short order cook, said "Hallalujes!, Hallalujes!!" . Sookie Stackhouse, waitress, said "Great, that's just great. But I don't see why you aren't thinking about ME and trying to find out who's out there still trying to KILL ME!" Bill Compton, former customer, said" I"m delighted for Tery Bellafleur, since as you know, we are brothers-in-arms and he has been very gracious to our people. But Sam and I have had a difficult relationship for years. Besides, he provokes me!" We also spoke with Tara Thornton, bartender and rumoured to be a romantic interest of Mr. Merlotte. Her response was "A dog! Sam's a dog! Well of all the stupid, dumbass, mo**erf**king shit! And he had the nerve to tell me I grunted like somekind of godd*m farm animal? Shit!"

Mr. Bellafleur, as you remember, recently gained national fame and attention himself when his exclusive line of jewelery made from two pronged possum pecker dick bone, was featured on QVC. He has also been invited to be the Grand Marshall for the annual Possum Poke Festival held in lovely downtown TY Ty , GA. Ty Ty is nationally known as the home of the Hiney Wineries. "There's Nothing So Bad A Little Hiney Can't Fix".

The Bon Temp Bugle proudly blows it's horn for our own! Salute!

TARA - THAT PIG AIN'T ARNOLD ZIFFEL

2008-12-01T01:30:00.004-11:00

Tara, Tara, Tara. Alright, alright, alrighta! You've certainly improved your digs ain't ya? Just one little question tho, my funny, angry black feminist. I know that bed looked extremely comfy and all, but did it not bother you that there was a HUGE painting of a white woman with her ass hanging over your head when you woke up? I know it would creep the fuck outta me. Jes' askin'. Inquiring minds, and all. And what is it exactly with white people and lots of fruit? I guess as expensive as fruit is nowadays, that's the new Cristal. Cost as much anyhow. Also Tara, you said you didn't know if your mama was mean or just plain stupid for naming you after a plantation. What about your newfound Satan in a Sunday hat? He calls himself after a high-tone breakfast dish eaten by rich white people and I just know that two weeks ago that would have chaffed your crack to hell and back. Again, jes' askin'. And for heaven't sake Tara, don't let your mama catch sight of your new buddy's pet hog. Can you imagine the shitload of hoecakes that Lettie Mae could make with all that bacon grease?

Maryanne - aka the human vibrator, I know you are gonna turn out to be the evilest bitch this side of Alexis Collins, but I have to say that if I were to ever get invited to a big old orgy, I could only hope you would be there. The way you vibrate I'll bet everybody there would be fighting like cats in heat to sit in your lap. You should even charge for it. On second thought, maybe You DO charge for it and that's how you can afford all that fruit. I swear, the way you rattle and hum would make even the stubbornest hoo haw think it had found Jesus. And Sam - I don't want to make you need to get any hipper to her shit that your already are, but the pig lady has got a massive hard-on for you. And I don't mean in a carnal way. Hopefully not anyhow. Cause MAN I think that would hurt big time. You'd be one crooked running little dog for a week or two. But it does appear that the two of you have somesort of a "past" together. And she doesn't seem the type to be down with the bygones thing.

Aren't Terry and Arlene looking cuter and cuter together? I swear, I wish I could just once hear a man tell me that my hair makes him think of sunset after a bomb exploded. Actually, I think I HAVE had a man tell me that my hair looked like a bomb exploded IN IT. But I guess that's not quite the same thing. I think I told him that he shoulda seen it before I combed it. Personally, I think Terry should just man up and go for it. Yeah Terry, just think like you're Moses, pick up your rod and part that red sea! Who knows, you just might get to fondle a clavicle or two.

I know I haven't mentioned Jason, Layfayette and a few others yet. But I'll save them for later. I'm still pissed about Layfayette.

SOOKIE, YOU SUCK!

2008-11-30T12:36:00.007-11:00

Sookie you got some splainin' to do. Now I watched and rewatched the final episode thinking that maybe I was so overcome by the sight of His Royal Hotness standing on the porch wearing that lucious brown henley that I became unconscious for a minute or two, or my cable went out for a few minutes, or maybe the smoke from that doobie had impeded my vision. But since none of you saw it, I guess it just wasn't there.

What happened on your end Sookie? And I mean your end in all ways possible too. I realize you were a little sore and stiff and had that one-eyed purple thing going on, but there was nothing wrong with your hoo haw as far as I could tell. So in my version of The Rules there is just no excuse acceptable. Not even a visit from Aunt Flo. Cause something tells me that Aunt Flo showing up unexpectedly would be no consequence to our Bill. I thought for sure when you were laying up there on the sofa , all swaddled in Gran's granny square afghan, watching Shirley Temple wring a big pile of tears the size of pumpkins out of your eyes while watching The Little Princess that you had finally realized how badly your biscuit needed butterin'. So, again, what happened?

Sookie, now pay attention. Here are The Rules For A Fully Growed Woman. You answer the door, waste a few seconds looking surprised/squally, listen for about 2 seconds to poor guilty, conflicted Bill mumble something about "I fed", then you say "yeah, yeah, whatever- now get yo ass in here". Then you reach out and grab Bill by the neck of that lucious brown henley, fling him in the house so fast that his no -brain-wave head is spinning. (Don't forget to quickly holler out an invite). Then throw him down and TEAR. THAT. ASS. UP. I mean you should have ridden him like Tobey rode Seabiscuit.

And I'm still pissed about Layfayette.

JASON STACKHOUSE - JIMMY SWAGGART IS CALLING

2008-11-30T12:35:00.007-11:00

Hold the phone folks. It appears that Bon Temps resident Pussy Hound has discovered his true calling. He's gonna be a freak for Jesus! Or even better - he's gonna be a freak for the Fellowship of the Sun! Hey, that's even better. Cause anytime a bunch of nutcases include the name "Fellowship" in their title, you just know it's gonna cause more trouble than tomcats on Viagra. And I did read a while back that Bon Temps is French for Good Times. Yes, that quaint little village is certainly that. What with all the murders of loose and wayward women, poor innocent grannys, poor innocent cats, and probably our favorite friend of Dorothy, Layfayette, I could see how Bon Temps earned it's reputation.

As you recall, our Mr. Stackhouse has enjoyed more random snatch than anybody in Bon Temps. I'll venture to say that the sales of Monistat has gone up considerable since Jason got his first woodie. But there has been one nagging question that I just can't seem to shake. In episode 1 when he came into Merlotte's looking for Sookie he had just been enjoying a nice fish sandwich, sans tartar sauce, courtesy of Maudette. I just need to know that he washed his face. Or at least pulled out the Oral-B and Colgate before he started to rub all up against Dawn and play the old smoochy "you know you still want me" game. Cause girls, I can tell you this. There is nothing that I can think of that conveys the "I have been pining away for you something awful" message than to get up close and personal with a face smelling like 3 day old red snapper. Yeah, that'll melt the heart of even the toughest broad. Cause nuthin' says lovin' like muffin on the muggin.. Especially if it ain't yours. And I love that look Tara gives both of them. That one-eyebrow raised up. Carrie Bradshaw can do that. I've have tried, practiced and at one point convinced myself that I had nailed it. But when I put my newfound skill to work people asked me how old I was when I was diagnosed with Tourettes.

Jason, I expect if Sis wasn't still cruisin' on the Hillbillie Heroin Highway when you came to see her, she would have nailed your ass bigtime about your newfound calling. The poor girl already knows that a bag of grits would best you in an IQ contest, but she was just so happy to see you out of jail and that she wasn't laid out at funeral parlor awaiting her turn for that really bad make-up job that a lot of the conversation just sailed on over her head. I think that in a few days she's gonna be slinging gin and tonics at Merlotte's and a lightbulb will suddenly come on over her head and she's gonna say "hey, wait a minute..........that dumb little shit has joined WHAT??" But I have to admitt that I was tickled spitless when you two made up.

But Jason, something tells me that you don't really understand what that FOS bunch is all about. You just think they sell condos down by the gulf.

Jason, you seem to be the outdoors type. I predict that there's a big hunting trip in your future. It will involve a canoe, a lot of rapidly coursing water, a bow and arrow, some banjoe music and something about a pig. Enjoy.

SHE LEFT BILL IN DRYCOCK

2008-11-30T12:34:00.005-11:00

Muthafudge. Yep, that's what I said. Where, oh where, was the money shot of Bill's ass? Sookie, girlfriend, we left you in charge and you dropped the ball. Actually, I don't think you ever had either ball in your hand to drop. So I'll say it again. Muthafudge.

Sookie, I know your face was all bruised and concussed up and all, but damn! Look what he had to go through in an attempt to save you. The worst, and I mean worst, sunburn evah! Bill, sweetie, I'm afraid we can ALL smell the sunlight on your skin. Sookie, if Bill's willing to go out in the sun and wind up looking like a Kingsford charcol brickette, the least you could have done was to kick it old school and show him how much you appreciated his sacrifice. For instance
1) get down, and I mean waaayyy down, on his johnson
2) throw him down on the stairs and fuck him like Helen of Troy with her ass on fire.
3) both of the above
Now I'm not implying that the tender kissyface scene wasn't sweet and just made me fall in love even more with Mr. Hotstuff. But damn, we need something to tide us over for the next 6 months. Some ass! Some fuckin'!

Movin' on. Sookie, I do declare. Where in the HELL are you getting all those Easter egg colored Keds. Hell, even my 82 year old mother stopped wearing them a while back cause they were just too damn ugly. What, do you still have a thing for Dirty Dancing? Or did you mama leave them to you in her will? Let's see, Jason gets the house and property and you get a lifetime supply of Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner pastel Keds. And who says life ain't fair!

And our Bill plays the piano! What that man can't do with those fingers, well, just doesn't need to be done. Yeah! Play that funky music white boy! I don't know about y'all, but I got a very definate Phantom Of The Opera feel with that piano playing. And that delicious smile of anticipation on his mug when the door opened! Much like I have when the pizza guy gets here. And then to realize who was actually at his door. Gee, if I remember, the last time those two came to call life suddenly took a turn for the worse. And guess what! It's about to happen again. Eric, it's a damn shame all of us don't have friends like you. You make getting hit by a bus an absolute thrill. And I do appreciate you dropping Britney Spears off at her daddy's house too. Bill, just a word to the wise. If she starts wearing a pink wig and speaking with a British accent, then I would suggest that you drop her AND Sookie off with Eric as you haul ass outta Dodge.

Eric and Bill. Those two. What are we gonna do with them? I'll see your two fangs and a hiss and I'll raise you two fangs and a hiss. Pam, I with ya there. I'm sure if you'd had a ruler handy you would have just told them to unzip, haul it out and let's get this over with. Men! Sheesh.........

I've got more to discuss later. There's just so much swirling in my head about this episode and I haven't had a chance to watch it again. Which is a good thing, or else this would turn into the mother of all long-assed posts.

THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS GIFT

2008-11-30T12:12:00.005-11:00

Wow kids! Just in time for Christmas, Fangtasia Merchandising has released it's brand new Vampire Bill Compton action figure! See his fangs retract! See his dick spring into action! Watch as his pelvis thrust left and right! *Requires 4 AAA batteries, not included.*

Yes, be the first girl on your block to own this fun action figure! It will provide many, many, many, many, many,many, MANY hours of entertainment. Anatomically correct Vampire Bill come fully outfitted in his Confederate Grey uniform, along with water canteen and four-prong cast iron bread toaster. Rub his neck with a special wand and watch as human Bill's tan complexion becomes a whiter shade of pale as his bite marks appear like magic!

Vampire Bill also come with a complete Mainstream Bill outfit, including a 4 pack of TruBlood, six-pack of Frescas (for guests), white hendley shirt and black chinos. You'll really marvel at the real life feel of his brown leather boots! Also included are 3 packets of graveyard dirt. Just rub Vampire Bill with a packet of graveyard dirt and watch as, like magic, his fangs click into place with realistic sound and his dick become fully erect! Spin his arm around and watch as his pelvis thrust left and right in realistic motion! Activate the voice control on the back of Vampire Bill and listen to him say:

" Do you have any of that synthetic bottled blood?"

"Sookah is mine!"

"We vampires are always in some kind of trouble"

"I can smell the sunlight on your skin"

"I have Frescas"

" What are you"

"I fed"

"I'm mainstreaming"

"We're all kept alive by magic"

Hurry and get yours as supplies are limited!

Additional accessories can be ordered online at www.Fangtasiaistheshit.com

*Price list as follows:

Tribunal Brown leather jacket $12.95

Blue pinstripe shirt and fang shaped cufflinks $9.95

3-pack graveyard dirt $6.95

Blood red velvet divan $14.95

Battery controlled BMW 3 Series $39.95

*Coming soon - Eric Northman, Sheriff of Area 5 Action Figure

I'M ALL CHOKED UP

2008-11-30T11:52:00.007-11:00

Has anyone noticed the inordinate amount of times that Sookie's been almost choked? I swear, I've never heard of nor seen anyone who gets choked as much as her. Her windpipe must be the size of a pregnant woman's cankle. I see that choking must be the perfered method of homicide in Bon Temps, followed closely by tornadoes that don't skip and hop. I've purposely skipped gran's murder cause I just don't want to describe it. But I have noticed that there's never any bruising or handprints on her throat. She must have really great blood. Bill sure seems to like it. At last count there were 4 choking scenes, including the one after gran died. I'm still not convinced that it was a dream of Bill's. I just think Sookie was so fogged out from the valium (it will do that to you, take my word for it) that she just doesn't remember right now. I think she will later tho, when the final shit hits the final proverbial fan. I noticed, even before gran died, something unusual in the background leading up to this event. On the night that Bill visited with her and gran in their home, I noticed that when Jason came tearing up the driveway, spewing rocks and gravel and probably killing a squirrel or two, in his black Dodge Ram that there was a ladder just outside Sookie's window. I got the gut feeling that this was no accident, nor was it done for the sake of authentic scenery. Then, when gran's body was discovered and Bill saw that Sookie's screen had been cut, I knew my feeling was justified. And I certainly didn't see Andy or Bud up there checking out the slashed screen either, so I doubt the ladder got removed. Andy, Bud - I sure wish you two had worked the OJ Simpson murder investigation. He would be in the pokie right now being someone's bitch, as I speak. In all the activity of gran's visitation and funeral, I'm sure no one bother to remove the ladder either. So, I figure once Tara bum-rushed everyone out of the house and the killer knew that Bill was safely stowed away somewhere and was dead until dark, well there was the perfect opportunity to finished what he started.

The first choking scene was of course from the episode of "Mine". This is one of my favorite episodes, just below Escape From Dragon House. Girls, I don't mean to be critical of our heartthrob, but he's sometimes a tad slow on the uptake. Now I know he's faster than the speed of light, cause I've seen him haul ass up stairs faster than my mama can pop the chops of a sassy youngun, so what's the problem Bill? You recall when Malcom's little Daisy Duke wearing mad money, you remember- the HepD mule, looking like a porn star with that tan (what?no pink lipstick?) was putting the choke hold on Sookie. Smooth bodied Jerry can jump up from the sofa, attach his hands to Sookie's throat and start to choke the bejesus out of her so fast that her eyes are bugged out and I'm surprised the force of it doesn't close up that gap between her front teeth. He can even do a flashback to some Kenny Chesney lookin' dude named Marcus who's giving him the see-ya-wouldn't-wanna-be-ya. Finally Bill gets up and decides that "oh shit, this might be a sit-che-ashun" and flips Jerry to the divan. Yeah Bill, you with your super fine looking self, you might want to work on that reaction time. Especially since your ain true love seems to be in the crosshairs - or chokehold - an awful lot. And one more thing Sookie - you are, well, sometimes such a spaz. After the Dynamic Duo and Tattoo Man finally leave, Bill looks down at you with those smokin' hot lusty eyes as he's helping you to sit up. Now I'm thinking that you're really gonna rag on his ass with something like "gee whiz hot stuff, I'm certainly proud you finally took your thumb out your ass and decided to make yourself useful as well as ornamental and keep me from dying". But no, uh uh. Nope, not you. You first word is "what's Hep D"?

Next in the saga of Here Comes Sookie, Don't You Just Want To Throttle Her, we have Longshadow and his issues with money management. Now personally, I think Bill should have been so close up under Sookie while she was doing the telepathyathon that he could tell what color her naval lint was. I'm jes sayin'. If you're gonna announce on a daily basis "Suckie must be protected!!" , then fer Chrissakes, get yo super fine lookin' ass over there and protect! But where is he? Where most men would be. Hanging at the bar, exchanging Fuck You! - No, Fuck You! looks with Eric. Not paying much attention to the object of their affection while she's about to get choked. Again. Bill, if things don't work out with Sookie, I sure hope you don't decide to work for the Secret Service. Once again, I'm jes sayin'.

And last, but I feel sure not least, is Merlotte's. She should have known that he was gonna go for the gullet. What? Her knees don't work? I kept hollering out "damn Sookie, put your knee in his nuts!!" But no, she just frantically tries to pull away his hands. And does manage to get away, right into the arms of Rin Tin Tin. She's safe! But for how long..........................................................................

Since this was an earlier post, I am adding to it since the season is over and that age old question that kept us up at night has finally been resolved. No - not who the killer was, but whether or not Sookie was gonna do me proud and nail Bill's ass on the front porch. And Sookie, you failed your test for Queen of the HooHaws. Failed BIGTIME! But since the subject is Sookie's poor abused gullet, I will touch on that subject for a moment.

Yep, I knew it. Rene, you big poser, I just knew you weren't a real Cajun! You looked too much like a former boss of mine to be anything but a total creepy fucknut. And of course, you preferred method of killing off those annoying females who rather enjoyed getting vamp stamped was ..........wait for it.................wait...........CHOKING! I knew it! Sookie, I think when those Emmy's are handed out, your throat should top the list.

EPISODE 10 - THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR

2008-11-30T11:47:00.004-11:00

What a great episode! No, it wasn't the gonad burner of a few others, but all in all, it was outstanding. From the opening scenes (btw Bill, you have an absolute ass-kicking bathroom!). Do you shop at Bed Bath And Beyond? Classic neutral colors, just the right lighting, and scented candles for those romantic post-coital baths! I wonder what scent they are? I would guess something like Vanilla Bean and Brown Sugar. And maybe some sugar scrub for the tub. Hey! That rhymns! And I do like that big-ass shower. And a loofah ta boot! Just a nagging question here, why would you even need a loogah? If your skin cells don't renew themselves, then I wouldn't think you would be plagued with that itchy, ashy skin that those pesky humans are afflicted with and is sooooo appealing to the eye. Anyway, props to the bathroom.. I'll just bet you watch TLC all the time. That is when you're not busy popping cherries, improving you golf game and fighting those primal urges to suck the occassional femoral artery.

Now to the good stuff. Poor Sam, aka Snoop Dogg. I wonder if he greets Layfayette with the well know ghetto fist bump and greeting of "dawg". I know some posters are reaming him a new one over his actions, but come on gals. Don't you feel sorry for him? He gets nothing but rejection from all fronts. He has his faults, sure, but I suspect some of it springs from abandonment issues, rejection by those he wants to give his heart to, and constantly feeling like he has to hide who and what he is from everyone. The background scenes of his adopted family just abandoning him made me have a tear in my baby blues. I want to just hug him and offer a soft warm lap for him to crawl into. And maybe some snausages. And way to go there Sook! That's the way to be there for a good friend who was there for you when Gran rather rudely got sent over to the Land of Cloudless Day. Those sad puppy-dog eyes just begging to be loved by you or just anyone. Fer Chrissake! Just a clue-in here Sam, it ain't gonna be Tara. That girl's too fucked-up to know who or what she loves. No man, be he human, shape-shifter, or vamp is anywhere near ready for her jelly. Maybe someday she'll be a player in the game of love, but not now. If anyone needed space to figure out what part of the parrallel universe she wants to be in, well it's her. (Did anyone else get flashbacks of Carnivale's Sophia when Tara's child-self with those weird assed black eyes appeared?) Every prophet in her house. You listening Sook? Speaking of Sookie, there she is, acting like she's really interested in a crash course of Shapeshifter 101. Then when Sam opens up to her and only wants assurance and acceptance, what does she do? She flies into a PMS freak-out! To invoke a few lines from a previous episode from Dawn, with the beautiful voice of parrakeets and angels, "you need to get off your high horse". And let's don't forget "you're a mean, nasty bitch." Yes Tara, she can be that at times.

Poor Eddie. I was sure hoping that he would make it back to his nice home where Eternal Flame and Heroes were waiting for him. What a crazy bitch! That's what you get Jason for letting you dick occupy what a medula oblongota should. You can sure pick 'em! You only think you're in some shit with the Hewie and Lewie, aka known as Bon Temps crackerjack law enforcement. Just wait until Eric gets a whiff of your Baby Jane channeling, vampire staking girlfriend. Jason, you would have been much better off taking care of Mr. Limpdick the regular way. Like...say....waiting a full hour before trying to get Mr. Spunky to come to attention again. You really, really didn't need the vamp juice. 'Jes sayin'. Boy, you are in a mess 'o trouble. Word.

And I have to make mention of Jason's personal grooming scene. yes, he has nice hair. Actually, he has GREAT hair. If I were Mr. Moyer, I think when I got my hair done for the next season I would pull a When Harry Met Sally on the stylist. I would point to Jason's stylist and say "I want what he's having". Mr. Moyer, there's just too much Dippidty in your Do these days.

My poor, poor tortured Bill. "Just when I thought I was out - they pull me back in!" And Eric - WTF? You didn't exactly step in there until Bill practically begged you for help. You really left Bill's cheese to twist in the wind, didn't ya? You must really, really want Sookie. Probably not as much as Pam does. But still, you should at least have thrown yo nigga a bone and not made him beg! And I got the feeling that Eric - and especially Pam - wished they were the ones doing the turning. Eric looked like he was turned on, big time. I think I would describe it as half pity for Bill and the girl, and half woodie. Well, maybe more than half. Next week's episode should be interesting indeed.

Since I know who the killer is, I just won't make any comments about what happened during the party. Except to tell Tara to ditch that damn dress at the first opportunity. Or at least give it to LaFayette. I think it would look quite fetching on that Senator. And did you borrow that horrid blue eye shadow from him? If so, then don't never do it again. You made me wish I was the one gettin' drunk just looking at that shit. You look much better in those low-rise Chuck Taylor's, skinny jeans, and Family Dollar tees.

And Sookie! She made me wish Malcom was still alive and sucking, just to hear him announce "well, looks who's here. Everyone's favorite buzz kill". She's certainly the one to invite to your party if you want everyone to leave by 9:00 and have a real suck-ass time. Hey girl, I know you're missing yo man big time. You've been taking those B12's like a good little fangbanger, prolly stocked up on those Herbal Massengil's and even gotten all the acorns and twigs out of your cooter, but DAMN! At least ACT like you're having fun. I know Arlene is the poster child for intolerant attitudes and bigotry and all, but she is your friend. And you for sure don't have a lot of then to spare. So cheer the fuck up and put on a happy face. Even if it is false. Arlene's too dumb to notice.

More thoughts later. I know y'all just cannot wait.